Archive for Personal Identity

| June 10, 2015
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Individuality – Part 2

Explore new opportunities to start creating your own legacy while sustaining your family legacy

 

I must first apologize for the delay in getting Part II posted. I just finished up my MBA and had a great deal of final coursework to deliver.   If you recall from the previous post I broke individuality into two parts. The first of which was to Be Yourself, acknowledging that you may be similar to your parents but you are unique in your own way. The second part is Blaze a New Path. Before we dive in I must qualify these two posts with this statement, I am in no way suggesting that you should ignore your past, or your connection to your family. I personally believe that our history, especially our family history, plays a major role in defining who we are as individuals.

The first component of Blazing a New Path, as I see it, is the idea of a Family Business vs. a Family Enterprise. In addition to the business aspect there is the concept of wealth as an opportunity. The two principles align more or less at their core function. Starting with the family business, many families become attached to the physical business or industry in which their predecessors have worked hard to cultivate. There is certainly nothing wrong with remaining loyal to your family’s original business, but there are other opportunities that exist for you to explore, something that you could put your mark on as an entrepreneur or an innovator. To be a family enterprise is to view the family ownership group as an enterprise that invests and operates in several different businesses or industries. For example, if a family owns a real estate business founded by their father, as the business passes to the next generation perhaps they start a series of businesses that compliment their real estate business. Pretty soon the family ownership group expands into another generation, along with success in those aligning industries. Soon after you could have an enterprise that involves real estate development, management, leasing, general contractors, building material supply company, etc. I think you can start to get the picture. In the spirit of diversifying your portfolio you could explore totally different industries, so that in the event of another recession like 2008 a major real estate bubble wouldn’t cripple your entire enterprise.

When thinking about wealth as an opportunity I think of money in this context as a vehicle to invest in many different industries. Many of the families we encounter struggle with the concept of selling their business; they like being a family business and are worried that if they sell out they will lose that part of their individual and family identity. On the contrary, I would say you’ve just closed one book only to start writing a new one. The world is your oyster so to speak; all of the hard work to become an integrated and professional family ownership group can be applied to new forms of investment. The wealth that you’ve generated through the sale of a business or through inheritance can be used as a liquid asset for investment; this is an exciting time period for you because the canvas is totally blank.

These two alternate pathways is why I encourage young people we work with to cultivate personal interests. Personally I wish I read more books, I admire historical figures when they’re described as being vivacious readers such a Theodore Roosevelt. By reading you are learning something and opening your mind up to exploration. The personal interests you cultivate will serve as the foundation for your future enterprise. I have a personal interest in clean water projects, water sustainability, and education. I am saddened whenever I read about places where clean water is so scarce people will literally walk miles to collect some to bring back to their families. Or that in some places 80% of diseases that are treated are due to water born illnesses. I am also terrified with the over consumption of water, and the fact that our most sacred resource on the planet is not oil but water. Finally, I have been given the gift of education and I desire in life to pay that forward. So if I suddenly found myself very wealthy, or my business had a surplus of capital, I’d probably invest in one of those areas that are special to me. You will cultivate your own interests if you already haven’t, and in so doing you are opening your family enterprise up to a whole new world of opportunities.

The final point of discussion centers on the question that probably is starting to creep into your mind. How do we make this all happen? I don’t have all of the answers, and quite frankly there is no ONE right answer. Your family has a specific set of circumstances that will dictate some of the paths you would take. The first place I’d start if I were in your shoes is with a conversation. I know it sounds cheesy, and in some ways even a conversation might seem impossible. But the best way to launch into a new enterprise is to start talking about it. If you recall I also had a post a few weeks ago about how to pitch new ideas. If you’re a lot younger you can explore the idea of parallel pathways with your parents. You and your parents can design a parallel universe that mirrors your experience starting a new enterprise, or owning the family business. During your time on that parallel pathway you will want to design a series of experiences that will develop the competencies necessary to work in a “live environment”. An easy and very minor example of this is to have your parents give you a budget, and you and your siblings design and plan the family vacation this summer. This exercise will teach you compromise, negotiation skills, planning, logistics, and how to work on a budget. There are a lot of different options and examples of things families have tried, but the ultimate purpose is for you to experiment with your competencies in a “safe” environment, meaning a failure won’t result in loss of jobs or significant capital loss.

The core value of the Blaze a New Path concept is that often the next generation believes they’ve missed out on an opportunity to make something of their own, or to create something from nothing the way their parents did.   In truth though, each succeeding generation has the opportunity to generate just as much from nothing, in a sense, than the previous one did. The next generation just has the luxury of a pool of resources that maybe their parents didn’t have, and that’s a good thing not a bad thing.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • View your family as an enterprise, not a business or a pool of money. This opens your perspective to opportunities for growth and exploration.
  • Develop personal interests; this will be your guide to future industries or enterprises you might invest in.
  • Start with conversations, and then explore a parallel pathway/universe to develop your competencies prior to going “live”
Category: Legacy, Personal Identity |
| May 21, 2015
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Individuality – Part 1

You come from your parents, does that mean you are your parents?

 

I cannot recall if I’ve mentioned this before, but if you were to stand my father and I together we would look like twins born 20 years apart (although he’s much taller). There was a time recently when we were riding in the car together, and my wife called me over the Bluetooth in my car. At one point my dad was talking and she legitimately thought she as speaking to me. In addition to looking and sounding similarly, we have similar mannerisms and our personalities are pretty comparable. Despite a number of overwhelming similarities, including our occupational choices, we are still exceptionally different people.

There are at least two differentiating factors between us; the first is that I am only part my father, the other part of me is also my mother. My father and I have similar energies, especially when talking about new ideas. My mother and I though, share very distinct passionate behavioral traits. We are fiercely loyal, overprotective of our loved ones, and both classic self-sacrificers often to our own detriment. I’m not saying my father isn’t any of these things, but I’d identify those characteristics in myself as distinctly MOM. The second factor that differentiates my father and I is that we were raised in very different homes with very different parents. My family growing up was very conservative by today’s standards, but incredibly liberal in comparison to my father’s household growing up. In this same way even though we have the same parents I am also not like my siblings, and neither are you. Even if you were born as a twin, your parents still interacted with you differently. Perhaps mom and dad took turns caring for you and your twin, but by the first month mom clearly had a better rapport with one and vice versa for dad. Out of necessity for sleep and limiting the noise pollution they probably held whichever baby felt more comfortable with them, thus changing the dynamics of your upbringing.

My siblings and I were born very close together, but the two oldest were born in different states than one another, and different my younger sister and I. Not to mention each kid went through major development milestones in different life stages for our family. Finally, the classic scenario from psych 101 is the birth order of the children. Even though my family, by many definitions, has three first born children, Grant was still born almost two years prior to Meredith, and four years prior to me, and six years prior to Natalie. By the time Natalie came along my parents, as parents, were on autopilot. As a recent father of a second child I can tell you from personal experience that the second child definitely doesn’t get nearly as much attention as the first. I may have an entire external hard drive of pictures of my first kid, and maybe half a cell phone of my second. This isn’t to say I love my second child any less than my first, but that first kid is such a new experience you have to capture everything. Also you have way more time to capture those moments as opposed to your experience with your second kid onward.

So what value does this entire rambling have to you? Other than a fun glimpse into my family dynamics the important point here is that whether you’re entering your family business, or inheriting wealth, you will be compelled whether by feeling or outside council to do things just as your parents have before you, and theirs before them. People will expect you to think the same, act the same, respond the same to the same stimulus, and most shockingly to lead the same. However, and I cannot say this emphatically enough: YOU ARE NOT THE SAME. You can be just as capable of running the company, or growing your wealth, but you will do it your way. Your way may seem like their way, but it’s not. The reason I keep hammering this point home is that I want everyone to feel free to explore their own competencies and learn to make and live by their own decisions. At some point you’ll have to make all of your own decisions anyway, because your parents will be gone, so why not start now when you can have an open dialogue about them with your parents and learn from your successes and failures.

The exciting opportunity that this exploration process opens up is you could find an area where you are excellent and they are not. Finding those competencies then learning to grow and harness them is an important part of becoming a leader in a family business or sustaining your wealth. You may also find that there are areas of competency that you are lacking; in this case you have two choices. You could either stress over the establishment or enhancement of that competency, or you could explore building teams of people around you that can compensate in an area where you are lacking. There is no shame in finding people to help you; no one truly makes it all on their own. The shameful part happens when you are too stubborn to realize you need help, and you assume that just because you and your parent or parents are so similar that you can do anything they can do. Maybe you can, and maybe you can do things better, but how can you know if you don’t start the exploration now. Why wait for tomorrow when they are gone and the comparisons and learning opportunities are gone with them.

One final point I think is important to recognize, I am not calling on the next generation to discount or ignore the expertise of your parents; quite the opposite. I am also not saying that you should avoid behavioral traits or characteristics that are consistent within your parents as well; again quite the opposite. I’m trying to encourage you to find your own style, and it could be that your style or your passions are similar to theirs…Great. But if they aren’t, and if you are different or think differently explore that as well. I personally love being compared to my parents, or even my siblings. I love my family, I think my family members are fun people and have a lot of interesting and great characteristics about them. But as much as I love the comparisons, I also like to be Jonathan. Jonathan is not always like Tim, and he is not always like Linda, and more often than not he’s very different from Grant, Meredith, and Natalie. I have to find my own sense of individuality and harness it to make my business and my family better and more well rounded. You should start the same exploration process as well. Start to think about the things that make you unique, your passions that keep ticking and explore them. Find pride in your family dynamics and your family identity, but learn to develop your self as well.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Having similar traits can be fun, but learn to establish your own individuality.
  • Build your own capabilities and competencies. One day you will have to rely on them.
  • Don’t be afraid to look outside of yourself to compensate for areas where you are different from your parents. Teams are fantastic options for accomplishing tasks.
Category: Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| May 13, 2015
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Walk a Mile Both Ways

Comparing your parent’s start to your own

 

*Note this post is intended primarily for the Next Generation Family Business Owner.

I can honestly say that upon reflection I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me a story where they walked a mile uphill both ways to work, or school, or wherever they were going. At this point I think the hyperbole in that anecdote is known to be just that. You may have had someone tell you this tale before, or not, but I’m sure if you’re thinking about entering your family business you’ve heard some story about how your parents, or grandparents, started that business and their story had elements of walking a mile uphill both ways. I know I’ve heard countless times the hard work, sacrifices, and challenges my parents faced while my dad was launching his career. Neither of my parents came from money, they both came from parents that have worked hard their entire lives. I have one grandpa that worked in a factory building farm equipment, another that drove a long haul truck for years. One of my grandmother’s families owned a potato chip factory, and she grew up working in that factory. My dad’s parents at one point were called to be missionaries in Guam and South Africa. I would be safe in saying that pretty much every penny that my family has they’ve earned through hard work.

My father got into college, as I’ve heard it told, because he was a very good hurdler for the track team. In high school, if memory serves, he was an average student typically pulling in B’s and C’s. However when he got to college he was determined to be a better student. He earned a BS in Psychology and immediately moved on to seminary at Gordon Conwell. Over the next few years my mom and dad would have four kids ages 6 and under by the time they were 30, they’d start three churches, and moved four different times to three different states with two different stops in Massachusetts. For whatever reason my father had decided to leave full time ministry and wanted to transition to some form of business. So they packed up the family, moved the six of us (and a new puppy) to Vermillion South Dakota where we’d remain for the next four years while dad completed his MBA and started his doctoral work. I recall stories from my mom about her walking through the grocery store with a calculator because she could only spend $40 to feed six people. I think at the time my dad was making $20,000, which even in the early 90’s was not a lot of money for a family of six. He must have done something right though, because after those four years, the Wharton School of Business hired him and we were moving again. The rest as they say is history.

Why do I bother to share any of these stories? What value could they possibly have for me today? Truth be told, they are an immense sense of pride for me. I am incredibly proud of both of my parents, for their solidarity, for their ability to grit their teeth, bear down, and work through tough times. I am proud that it seems to be an ancestral trait for my family. I am proud that they were able to make their own way like so many other families have had to do for years in this country, in my mind they are representative of the American dream. They worked their tails off so their kids could have more. I remember when I opened my first bank account at age 15. My mom took me because it was going to be a joint account between us. While sitting in the bank my mom was writing a check, it was the last student loan payment for my dad’s education. He graduated college in 1981, and in 2002 after a Bachelors degree, a Masters of Divinity, a Master of Business Administration, and a PhD they were paying off the last student loan. My reason for sharing any of this is not just my personal pride; my reason for sharing this is because it has value for how I determined to start my own life and my own business.

The next question I have to ask myself is; do I have to start the same way my parents did? Do they expect me to? I know that my parents didn’t want me to have to struggle the way they did. They helped pay for almost all of my education because they knew what it was like to pay for it all on their own and they know the value of a good education. At the same time though, while I’m in the early stages of my own business, while finishing my MBA with two kids and a wife, my father is quick to remind me that bootstrapping is a part of entrepreneurship and that at one point in time with two more kids and way more debt he was making $20,000. Knowing that your parents have walked a mile both ways uphill is valuable because you know it can be done, and if they could do it you can too. Your parents may want you to struggle a little bit as they did when you join the family business not because they are cruel, not because they are trying to pass the suffering on, and not even so they can “toughen” you up. You may need to learn the struggle for the same reason you need to learn failure. You need the struggles and the failures to develop resiliency against future struggles or future failures that will most likely be more significant than your present struggles. In some ways that sounds like just needing to toughen up, but it’s far less arbitrary than that. I love a quote from a recent article in the Economist. In the article Upsides: Old-fashioned Virtues they were looking at the family business Berry Bros. & Rudd’s. Mr. Berry said: “once you have survived the South Sea Bubble – a financial crisis in 1720 that caused the British economy to shrink by a quarter – you can see the 2008 recession in perspective.” I love this perspective.

My Berry didn’t live through the 1720 crisis, but his family did. The story became a part of their family legacy that inspired each generation to work hard as the previous generation, not for the sake of working hard, but to learn what it means to work hard. Is my life comfortable today, yes, in comparison to most of the world my life is a luxury. Are many of my peers making more money or living more comfortably than I am, yes. Am I living as uncomfortably as my parents, no. But I am challenged enough in my current life situation to understand what it means to overcome a challenge, to look failure in the face and know I can bounce back. I’m working today to prepare myself for tomorrow’s struggle. I know it doesn’t sound like fun, and I know parents can be annoying about what they expect, but more than likely they have a good reason.

My final point for this blog (sorry this is so long) is this. Knowing your parent’s story is important, accepting the requirements for your entering the family business is often easier said than done. I don’t want to say you have to blindly accept what they ask you to do, but in my experience, if you offer yourself up for mentorship and guidance from someone, you have to give yourself over to THEIR process. When I decided to enter the field of family business consulting and my dad and I started to talk about what my path would be, I was willing to accept whatever process he decided on. I read the books he recommended, I enrolled in an MBA when we talked about the value it could have for my career, and I’ve committed to not pay myself all that much while my business is in its infancy. None of those things have been easy, two out of the three have put significant pressure on my young family, but I willingly walk on this path of mentorship because I know what the hard work and sacrifice can produce. I know that because I know my family story, and the legacy of hard work. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey, and would strongly encourage anyone that is deciding or has decided to enter the family business to learn your family history, and give yourself over to the process.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Learn the history of your family and their business. The life lessons could be invaluable.
  • Give yourself over to the process and be willing to walk however many miles up however many hills you are asked to walk.
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Legacy, Personal Identity |
| April 29, 2015
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Boundaries

Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself

 

When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.

The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business.  They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.

In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you.   Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.

I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.

The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.

At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.

My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
  • Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
  • Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| April 8, 2015
Comments Off on Identity

Identity

Do you have a personal identity outside of your family business or your money…if not you need to.

 

The concept of Identity is the third part in the series of posts starting with The Power of Your Family name followed by Nepotism. I qualify this post with this disclaimer; I am in no way a psychological authority, all of my knowledge is experience based and loosely based on a good amount of reading and conversing I’ve done on the subject. There are more experienced and knowledgeable people to discuss this topic than me; I am simply going to give you some of my experience as always on the topic.

So why would I bring up what appears to be a highly psychological term in relation to your family business? Have you ever heard about a founder of a company retiring and within a few short months passing away? In my opinion a lot of that has to do with their reason for getting up in the morning is gone, a part of their identity was lost when they retired. Similarly we often see families struggling with the notion that they could, should, or would sell the family business when it’s clearly the best financial decision for their family. The reason being is their personal identity is wrapped up in that business and if they sell the business their parents, or their grandparents created then they are losing a part of themselves. The truth is that doesn’t have to be the case. I’m not saying you shouldn’t value the business highly because of the meaning it has to your family, I’m saying that if you looked deeply at the nature of the legacy your family left to you in that business your identity may not be tied to the mom and pop shop that started in their home. The concept of a personal identity is so critical because you need to be more than just the family business or just the job. Neither of those things is eternal.

Also exploring a personal identity is important so you can differentiate yourself from your surroundings and not personalize the challenges that face you in the business or that face the business. My personal identity today, I’d say is based out of being over parentalized as a child, meaning I was treated like one of the parents when I shouldn’t have been, and a fear of something bad happening to my family. This drove me to become incredibly responsible and always try and do the “right thing”. In addition to that I’ve had a lot of wonderful people invest in my own personal development, so I’ve found a passion for learning and helping other people find their passions and achieve them. Can you start to see how my personal identity is more than just my business but in many ways has led me to this industry? If I had to close up shop tomorrow would anything change about my passions and identity… absolutely not. I might just look for other opportunities to help guide people to their passions and show them love like a parent would. That piece of my identity will carry me until the day I die, and won’t be dependent on my occupation.

I’ve already briefly addressed this, but the danger of not having your own identity prior to entering your family business is you will create your identity around that business. The danger in that scenario is you won’t be able to think objectively about the business anymore because it’s become a part of you. The other fear is that you’ll seek to emulate whoever is guiding and mentoring you in order to become them. Learning from a mentor, and adopting certain behaviors you’ve identified as making them successful has its merits. However you cannot become that person even if you are in line to succeed them. The reason you shouldn’t want to and can’t become them is you’ll never be able to act with the same degree of moral authority that they have. The founder of a company can make unilateral decisions because he’s the founder of the company. But the next generation leader and anyone else to follow didn’t create the company, so no one will buy into their unilateral decisions the way they did for the founder. You have to find your own true self, your true style, and your true reason for being in that business.

The same reasoning behind having a personal identity prior to entering the family business can also be applied to inheriting wealth. There is a much larger discussion about identity in relation to money, but for the time being we’ll touch on this briefly. You are not your money, your wealth, or the possessions you have. You MUST be more than that. The reason is, the moment you lose any of it you lose part of yourself. In that moment all you will live for is getting it back. If I became infinitely wealthy from my occupation and suddenly lost it all would anything about my identity change…again absolutely not. I’d still be a father, I’d still have a passion for helping people find and achieve their passions, and I’d still be a constant learner. Nothing about who I think I am would change, just like if I suddenly became infinitely wealthy nothing about me would change. The reason there is a distinction here is that money is much easier to lose than a business. Also in both cases, but more often with money, there will be people around you that will try and get your money just because you have it. Without a sense of personal identity you will start to think the only way to relate to people is around giving them money. This is so false and scary to see happen to people. Once again, you are not your money, and it should have nothing to do with who you are.

Finally, there are some people reading this thinking: “I have no idea how to do any of the things he’s talking about here”. Or some may be thinking: “shoot, I’ve already joined the family business, now what”? Well the first thing I’d say is to not panic. The world will not end tomorrow if you haven’t done anything about this. Also, there’s a chance you already have a differentiated personal identity you may just not be aware of it. I’d say to someone looking to figure out what their personal identity is, is to start searching and learning. Start reading books to help you identify key points of your life that have been a part of your development. I’d also highly recommend sitting down with a therapist and exploring your family of origins. Conversing about your life with a coach that’s capable of helping you frame your thoughts can be very powerful and effective for this search process. I’ve also spent almost my entire adult life reflecting and analyzing almost all aspects of my life so there’s another place you can start. Ask yourself questions like: does anyone else in my family, or anyone I know think this way? Was there an alternative choice to the one I made? Why did I make THAT choice?

I’m hoping that this post and the previous two have given you something to think about and haven’t been daunting in concept or work to walk away with. I’m also hoping that haven’t been too trite or pithy and that there was real value here for someone. My ultimate goal here is to reflect on my personal journey and connect that conceptually to your own path into your family business or with your incoming wealth. I wish anyone the best of luck with this work, it’s never easy but have courage in the fact that you’re not alone.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Having a personal identity is vital to your survival in the family business or when inheriting wealth.
  • The danger is that you will become your business or your money and if either should ever be gone you will have lost yourself as well.
  • Start with self-exploration and learning to help you develop your personal identity.
  • Don’t be scared about the work or the journey, you’re not alone.
Category: Legacy, Personal Identity |
| March 25, 2015
Comments Off on Power of The Name

Power of The Name

The access and respect given to you with your name

 

I have three related topics; one I’ll cover this week and the others over the next two weeks. The topic for this week is The Power of Your Family Name. If your last name is Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Ford, or Firestone chances are you’ve had a conversation about the power of your family name. Growing up I always wanted to have an epic family name, as if one day someone would pull up and tell us we were some long lost descendent of some powerful King or something along those lines. But having worked in this industry for a little while now I’ve come to see that you don’t have to have an epic family name, or be of noble descent in order to have power in your family name.

In most circles the name Habbershon is not interesting or meaningful in anyway. But in the family-business coaching world it garners enough respect that I need to tread lightly in those circles. I’ve had multiple encounters with people connecting with me here and there trying to get connected to my father. I have had experiences professionally that I wouldn’t otherwise have if it weren’t for my last name. I’ve also been given respect that I haven’t earned because of my last name.

For those Spiderman fans out there you know that with great power comes great responsibility. At some point in time someone in your family did something to warrant an abundance of respect associated with your family name. In my case, in my professional circle it is my father. I have, and you have an obligation to respect their hard work and act responsibly around that family name. When I started this blog I had two intentions, the first was to offer a different perspective on topics I hear taught regularly. The second reason is this represents an opportunity for me to make a name for myself. However, because I share the same name as my father, I showed him the necessary respect of him and our name and discussed this with him first. I may be (I’m not by the way) infringing upon his name with the topics I choose to write about or the things that I say.

I recently had a friend talk to me about how he wished he had a family connection like mine in his own professional setting. He kept talking about how he would take advantage of that opportunity if it were presented to him. You may recall from the Decision post when I talked around the thought process of taking the easy road and just following in your parent’s footsteps. If you remember what I said, there’s nothing easy about deciding to follow in your family’s footsteps. I said it then, and I’ll repeat it here; I used to think I had to do something on my own, separate from the work my father did. But that idea would mean I’d be passing up a foundation that my father laid through his own hard work. Rather than start totally new making a name for myself, why not build off of the powerful name that has already been created. Understand though that this is not an easy task. You will be weighed, and you will be measured against that name always. Expectations will be heaped upon you. In addition to that, there will be some around you that discount anything you do because “your name is the only reason you’re here.”

To anyone brave enough to walk this road and brave the expectations, to carry the weight of responsibility, and to endure foundationless ridicule I say: “good for you, let’s talk.” For anyone that chose a different path from their parents, and maybe want to blaze their own trail I say: “good for you, we should still talk.” There is an alternative perspective to mine, and it’s the person that decides to not enter the arena of their family name. There will still be times when you cannot escape your name, and that is okay. Don’t always feel like you have to. The one thing I wanted to convey with this post more than anything is that your family name is exciting and unique. Maybe it has a terrible reputation, maybe you are a Rockefeller, and maybe no one knows who you are. No matter what the case learn to be excited for your family history and whatever power comes with that.

 

Practical Summary

  • Your name has power, sometimes more than you may be aware of.
  • Respect the power of your name and act responsibly when using it.
  • It is not easy to follow in the family name, know that you are making a difficult choice for a tough road.
Category: Family Dynamics, Legacy, Personal Identity |
| January 21, 2015
Comments Off on Parents in a new context

Parents in a new context

Viewing your parents through the world’s eyes

 

Do you remember when you were a kid and the way you looked at your parents? Your dad maybe was the strongest man in the world, invincible. Your mom could make anything delicious and no matter how badly you got hurt she made everything better. Slowly but surely as you grew up you may have become disillusioned to the mystique your parents possessed in your life. Perhaps even as you got older you began to grow annoyed at the little things your parents would or would not do.

Personally when I was a teenager I grew exhausted with my dad’s incessant life lessons and coaching when I didn’t ask for it. His apparent need to share the details of my life with random people as if he had no care for my feelings what so ever or the embarrassment he caused. As kids we laughed at him when we’d get lost in the car and he’d say: “we’re not lost we’re just meandering our way there”. Despite the perception that he had at home it never occurred to me to think about how he was perceived in his professional life.

Allow me for a moment to provide a little back-story. My dad is a former Presbyterian minister; he eventually transitioned from this line of work into an educational and consultative role where he worked with family businesses. When we were kids we were all for the most part too young to ever really see him preach, all we ever heard was that he was incredibly long winded. Only two of us ever really got to see him teach, my sister and I had the pleasure to take an elective course that he guest taught while we were in college.

I’ve said in a previous blog post that when I transitioned into this field the first articles I read my dad was cited eight different times. What I came to find out is that in my dad’s professional world he wasn’t a joke, or a family punch line. In fact people paid him for those life lessons I’d been receiving for free, and the stories he was telling about my life were a means to convey his personal trials as a parent to the families he worked with. In all honesty I never saw the man my dad truly was until I started working with him and watched him teach his graduate students. I sat in the back of a classroom captivated by the person in front of me, I couldn’t stop smiling. This wasn’t the same man at all that raised me, this man had a presence about him, this man was eloquent, and every word this man said was respected.

I saw my dad in a new context, I saw my dad on his stage and in his world. Some parents allow their kids to only see one side of them, some kids just get dad; sadly other kids only get the CEO or President. My challenge is to any kid that only ever saw dad, try as hard as you can to experience your parents in their other context. Revel in the experience and take in their presence as if you’re that little kid again and everything they do is magnificent and new. You may get the rare opportunity to see a wild animal in their natural habitat; it can be truly exhilarating.

I hope that I get the opportunity to continue doing this line of work forever. But if for some odd reason I was forced to change careers tomorrow, the few years that I’ve had to watch my dad work on his professional stage have been worth their weight in gold. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse into his life that was missing before this time. I cannot encourage you enough to open that door with an open mind and the same sense of wonderment you one possessed.

Enjoy

 

Productive Summary

 

  • Remember that how you see your mom or dad may not be how their professional world sees them.
  • Seek out opportunities to see them in another context, specifically as you may start working with them.
  • Enjoy the new side of them you see, get excited to alter the course of your relationship as you connect on a different level or in a new way
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| January 14, 2015
Comments Off on Degrees of Entrepreneurial Flexibility

Degrees of Entrepreneurial Flexibility

Balancing Personal and Professional Choices

 

After starting with decision and then exploring peership it was tough to decide which topic to cover next. I thought that if you have now decided to dive into the family business or even if you didn’t it might be a good idea to explore Degrees of Entrepreneurial Flexibility. This topic is actually one of my favorites because it is one that I’ve had many comical interactions with. I haven’t mentioned yet that my current business venture is not my first attempt to be an entrepreneur. At one time I attempted to start a construction management company; obviously I was not successful. At the outset of the project my dad was acting as an advisor and he was kind enough to have a very direct and honest conversation with me. The conversation we had was concerning degrees of entrepreneurial flexibility.

He said that if you dive into a new venture you have to consider how you limit your degrees of entrepreneurial flexibility. If you decided to get married, that’s a limitation. If you decide to buy a house, that’s a limitation. If you decide to get a dog, that’s a limitation. If you decide to have kids, that’s a limitation. He wasn’t saying don’t do any of those things just remember that each responsibility you add to your life is another thing you’re putting on the line with your new venture. You see at that point in my life I was a year out of college, I quickly paid of my debt, got engaged, got married, bought a car, bought a house, and got a dog. He was a dad and a smart business mind watching me make two paths of decisions and at some point I would come to a crossroad. In that moment I had to be prepared for the fact that what I wanted professionally may not be possible because of what I had decided personally and I might have to give something up. Thankfully that wasn’t my moment to be a wildly successful entrepreneur and I didn’t have to make that hard decision.

I’m not saying, like my dad wasn’t saying; don’t put your life on hold in order to take a leap for your career. The message here is to remember to enter each stage of life and each major decision with honest expectations. Imagine for a moment my business did start to take off, but the only place I could get the money to make that dream happen was to sell my house. If my wife isn’t okay with selling the house then I’ve got a pretty big problem don’t I? Monitoring your degrees of entrepreneurial flexibility in life will always be important, learn to weigh your options both personally and professionally. This might seem obvious to some but to others like me that believe they can always have their cake and eat it too it is an important life lesson.

 

Practical Summary

 

  • Listen to your elders with gracious humility, they have more years of experience than you could ever buy
  • Don’t be afraid to take a professional leap, just make sure your expectations are in line with your choices
Category: At Work, Personal Identity |
| December 31, 2014
Comments Off on Decision

Decision

Deciding to join the family business

The decision to enter your family business or industry can be incredibly difficult. No matter what you do everyone around you will have an opinion and very few will shy away from offering it. I remember at a very early age my mom saying to me: “I don’t want you to work for your dad, I want you to make your own career path.” I think she was afraid I would choose the easy route and my dad would just hand me an opportunity, I think she was and is afraid I will become just like him. Not that becoming my dad would be a bad thing, but he was always incredibly busy and he traveled a lot, that’s the nature of the beast when you’re a consultant. I think my mom also wanted her kids to make their own path, to find their own interests and pursue them whole-heartedly.

This decision is more complicated than simply choosing a career path. You have to weigh all of the concerns my mother was expressing in her fearful statement, as well as your own fears. What if I take over the business and totally screw it up? Will everyone around me look at me as the bosses kid, am I only here because of my last name? My dad is pretty tough on me when I don’t work for him, what in the world will it be like in the office? I want to be my own person and blaze my own trail, am I really doing that by just working in the family business? These questions and so many more run through your mind over and over and over again when you’re making this decision. At the same time there are so many positives to consider. I get to carry the torch after my dad moves on. I’m apart of a larger family legacy. I’ll finally understand what my dad does which is a large part of who he is (this one was huge for me). This business has given me so many opportunities in life, now I get to protect that legacy and pass it on to my kids. I’ve barely scratched the surface of the various nuances at play in this decision and you can already see that there’s more to it than anyone outside of you can understand. Most people around you will see that you went to work for dad as what you had to do, or what was easy to do. But there’s nothing that says you have to, and nothing easy about deciding to.

Personally I ran from the “family business” as often as I could, my actions didn’t show it but in my head I never wanted to do what my dad did. It seems looking back as if I was destined to be here. I started as a Psychology major (actually a perfect starting point for Family Business Consulting); then transferred to Entrepreneurship (again another great launching point). I worked as a property manager for a large real estate company for a while and tried starting my owner construction management company and when all else failed turned to good ole D. A. D. Even when I felt out of options I still never wanted to do this. I simply called one day asking if he knew of any job openings; he did. I won’t get into all of the gory details here, there are many more posts to come for that, but the transition wasn’t easy and even now years later it still isn’t easy. Remember, when I started out I still had my mother’s words ringing in my ear: “make your own way and don’t become your father.” While researching family businesses and family dynamics the first article I read quoted my dad 8 different times. How in the world was I supposed to make my own way following his legacy? Even if I wanted to, there was no way I could become my father.

Before I even started I let fear rule my decision. How can you ever expect to be good at anything if you’re being driven by fear? If my new opportunity weren’t better than my current situation (at that time) I probably would have never left. You cannot let fear rule your decision. You have to be all in or all out and ready to take the good with the bad. You also have to leave behind the idea that you will be or could be your father, mother, grandparent, uncle or whoever you are stepping in for. At the end of the day you have to still be you no matter what. If you can’t be, or people don’t want you to be then you already have your answer. Personally my mother was wrong, going into the family business has been one of my greatest decisions I’ve ever made and it’s something I’m truly good at; to miss this opportunity would have been a bad decision.

 

Practical Summary

  • Hear the fears of your parents, don’t own them
  • Don’t allow fear to rule your decision, learn to see opportunities and no pressure to make one choice vs. another
  • Joining the family business does not mean you won’t be making your own path, and won’t create your own legacy
Category: Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |