Archive for Family Dynamics

| May 21, 2015
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Individuality – Part 1

You come from your parents, does that mean you are your parents?

 

I cannot recall if I’ve mentioned this before, but if you were to stand my father and I together we would look like twins born 20 years apart (although he’s much taller). There was a time recently when we were riding in the car together, and my wife called me over the Bluetooth in my car. At one point my dad was talking and she legitimately thought she as speaking to me. In addition to looking and sounding similarly, we have similar mannerisms and our personalities are pretty comparable. Despite a number of overwhelming similarities, including our occupational choices, we are still exceptionally different people.

There are at least two differentiating factors between us; the first is that I am only part my father, the other part of me is also my mother. My father and I have similar energies, especially when talking about new ideas. My mother and I though, share very distinct passionate behavioral traits. We are fiercely loyal, overprotective of our loved ones, and both classic self-sacrificers often to our own detriment. I’m not saying my father isn’t any of these things, but I’d identify those characteristics in myself as distinctly MOM. The second factor that differentiates my father and I is that we were raised in very different homes with very different parents. My family growing up was very conservative by today’s standards, but incredibly liberal in comparison to my father’s household growing up. In this same way even though we have the same parents I am also not like my siblings, and neither are you. Even if you were born as a twin, your parents still interacted with you differently. Perhaps mom and dad took turns caring for you and your twin, but by the first month mom clearly had a better rapport with one and vice versa for dad. Out of necessity for sleep and limiting the noise pollution they probably held whichever baby felt more comfortable with them, thus changing the dynamics of your upbringing.

My siblings and I were born very close together, but the two oldest were born in different states than one another, and different my younger sister and I. Not to mention each kid went through major development milestones in different life stages for our family. Finally, the classic scenario from psych 101 is the birth order of the children. Even though my family, by many definitions, has three first born children, Grant was still born almost two years prior to Meredith, and four years prior to me, and six years prior to Natalie. By the time Natalie came along my parents, as parents, were on autopilot. As a recent father of a second child I can tell you from personal experience that the second child definitely doesn’t get nearly as much attention as the first. I may have an entire external hard drive of pictures of my first kid, and maybe half a cell phone of my second. This isn’t to say I love my second child any less than my first, but that first kid is such a new experience you have to capture everything. Also you have way more time to capture those moments as opposed to your experience with your second kid onward.

So what value does this entire rambling have to you? Other than a fun glimpse into my family dynamics the important point here is that whether you’re entering your family business, or inheriting wealth, you will be compelled whether by feeling or outside council to do things just as your parents have before you, and theirs before them. People will expect you to think the same, act the same, respond the same to the same stimulus, and most shockingly to lead the same. However, and I cannot say this emphatically enough: YOU ARE NOT THE SAME. You can be just as capable of running the company, or growing your wealth, but you will do it your way. Your way may seem like their way, but it’s not. The reason I keep hammering this point home is that I want everyone to feel free to explore their own competencies and learn to make and live by their own decisions. At some point you’ll have to make all of your own decisions anyway, because your parents will be gone, so why not start now when you can have an open dialogue about them with your parents and learn from your successes and failures.

The exciting opportunity that this exploration process opens up is you could find an area where you are excellent and they are not. Finding those competencies then learning to grow and harness them is an important part of becoming a leader in a family business or sustaining your wealth. You may also find that there are areas of competency that you are lacking; in this case you have two choices. You could either stress over the establishment or enhancement of that competency, or you could explore building teams of people around you that can compensate in an area where you are lacking. There is no shame in finding people to help you; no one truly makes it all on their own. The shameful part happens when you are too stubborn to realize you need help, and you assume that just because you and your parent or parents are so similar that you can do anything they can do. Maybe you can, and maybe you can do things better, but how can you know if you don’t start the exploration now. Why wait for tomorrow when they are gone and the comparisons and learning opportunities are gone with them.

One final point I think is important to recognize, I am not calling on the next generation to discount or ignore the expertise of your parents; quite the opposite. I am also not saying that you should avoid behavioral traits or characteristics that are consistent within your parents as well; again quite the opposite. I’m trying to encourage you to find your own style, and it could be that your style or your passions are similar to theirs…Great. But if they aren’t, and if you are different or think differently explore that as well. I personally love being compared to my parents, or even my siblings. I love my family, I think my family members are fun people and have a lot of interesting and great characteristics about them. But as much as I love the comparisons, I also like to be Jonathan. Jonathan is not always like Tim, and he is not always like Linda, and more often than not he’s very different from Grant, Meredith, and Natalie. I have to find my own sense of individuality and harness it to make my business and my family better and more well rounded. You should start the same exploration process as well. Start to think about the things that make you unique, your passions that keep ticking and explore them. Find pride in your family dynamics and your family identity, but learn to develop your self as well.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Having similar traits can be fun, but learn to establish your own individuality.
  • Build your own capabilities and competencies. One day you will have to rely on them.
  • Don’t be afraid to look outside of yourself to compensate for areas where you are different from your parents. Teams are fantastic options for accomplishing tasks.
Category: Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| May 13, 2015
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Walk a Mile Both Ways

Comparing your parent’s start to your own

 

*Note this post is intended primarily for the Next Generation Family Business Owner.

I can honestly say that upon reflection I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me a story where they walked a mile uphill both ways to work, or school, or wherever they were going. At this point I think the hyperbole in that anecdote is known to be just that. You may have had someone tell you this tale before, or not, but I’m sure if you’re thinking about entering your family business you’ve heard some story about how your parents, or grandparents, started that business and their story had elements of walking a mile uphill both ways. I know I’ve heard countless times the hard work, sacrifices, and challenges my parents faced while my dad was launching his career. Neither of my parents came from money, they both came from parents that have worked hard their entire lives. I have one grandpa that worked in a factory building farm equipment, another that drove a long haul truck for years. One of my grandmother’s families owned a potato chip factory, and she grew up working in that factory. My dad’s parents at one point were called to be missionaries in Guam and South Africa. I would be safe in saying that pretty much every penny that my family has they’ve earned through hard work.

My father got into college, as I’ve heard it told, because he was a very good hurdler for the track team. In high school, if memory serves, he was an average student typically pulling in B’s and C’s. However when he got to college he was determined to be a better student. He earned a BS in Psychology and immediately moved on to seminary at Gordon Conwell. Over the next few years my mom and dad would have four kids ages 6 and under by the time they were 30, they’d start three churches, and moved four different times to three different states with two different stops in Massachusetts. For whatever reason my father had decided to leave full time ministry and wanted to transition to some form of business. So they packed up the family, moved the six of us (and a new puppy) to Vermillion South Dakota where we’d remain for the next four years while dad completed his MBA and started his doctoral work. I recall stories from my mom about her walking through the grocery store with a calculator because she could only spend $40 to feed six people. I think at the time my dad was making $20,000, which even in the early 90’s was not a lot of money for a family of six. He must have done something right though, because after those four years, the Wharton School of Business hired him and we were moving again. The rest as they say is history.

Why do I bother to share any of these stories? What value could they possibly have for me today? Truth be told, they are an immense sense of pride for me. I am incredibly proud of both of my parents, for their solidarity, for their ability to grit their teeth, bear down, and work through tough times. I am proud that it seems to be an ancestral trait for my family. I am proud that they were able to make their own way like so many other families have had to do for years in this country, in my mind they are representative of the American dream. They worked their tails off so their kids could have more. I remember when I opened my first bank account at age 15. My mom took me because it was going to be a joint account between us. While sitting in the bank my mom was writing a check, it was the last student loan payment for my dad’s education. He graduated college in 1981, and in 2002 after a Bachelors degree, a Masters of Divinity, a Master of Business Administration, and a PhD they were paying off the last student loan. My reason for sharing any of this is not just my personal pride; my reason for sharing this is because it has value for how I determined to start my own life and my own business.

The next question I have to ask myself is; do I have to start the same way my parents did? Do they expect me to? I know that my parents didn’t want me to have to struggle the way they did. They helped pay for almost all of my education because they knew what it was like to pay for it all on their own and they know the value of a good education. At the same time though, while I’m in the early stages of my own business, while finishing my MBA with two kids and a wife, my father is quick to remind me that bootstrapping is a part of entrepreneurship and that at one point in time with two more kids and way more debt he was making $20,000. Knowing that your parents have walked a mile both ways uphill is valuable because you know it can be done, and if they could do it you can too. Your parents may want you to struggle a little bit as they did when you join the family business not because they are cruel, not because they are trying to pass the suffering on, and not even so they can “toughen” you up. You may need to learn the struggle for the same reason you need to learn failure. You need the struggles and the failures to develop resiliency against future struggles or future failures that will most likely be more significant than your present struggles. In some ways that sounds like just needing to toughen up, but it’s far less arbitrary than that. I love a quote from a recent article in the Economist. In the article Upsides: Old-fashioned Virtues they were looking at the family business Berry Bros. & Rudd’s. Mr. Berry said: “once you have survived the South Sea Bubble – a financial crisis in 1720 that caused the British economy to shrink by a quarter – you can see the 2008 recession in perspective.” I love this perspective.

My Berry didn’t live through the 1720 crisis, but his family did. The story became a part of their family legacy that inspired each generation to work hard as the previous generation, not for the sake of working hard, but to learn what it means to work hard. Is my life comfortable today, yes, in comparison to most of the world my life is a luxury. Are many of my peers making more money or living more comfortably than I am, yes. Am I living as uncomfortably as my parents, no. But I am challenged enough in my current life situation to understand what it means to overcome a challenge, to look failure in the face and know I can bounce back. I’m working today to prepare myself for tomorrow’s struggle. I know it doesn’t sound like fun, and I know parents can be annoying about what they expect, but more than likely they have a good reason.

My final point for this blog (sorry this is so long) is this. Knowing your parent’s story is important, accepting the requirements for your entering the family business is often easier said than done. I don’t want to say you have to blindly accept what they ask you to do, but in my experience, if you offer yourself up for mentorship and guidance from someone, you have to give yourself over to THEIR process. When I decided to enter the field of family business consulting and my dad and I started to talk about what my path would be, I was willing to accept whatever process he decided on. I read the books he recommended, I enrolled in an MBA when we talked about the value it could have for my career, and I’ve committed to not pay myself all that much while my business is in its infancy. None of those things have been easy, two out of the three have put significant pressure on my young family, but I willingly walk on this path of mentorship because I know what the hard work and sacrifice can produce. I know that because I know my family story, and the legacy of hard work. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey, and would strongly encourage anyone that is deciding or has decided to enter the family business to learn your family history, and give yourself over to the process.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Learn the history of your family and their business. The life lessons could be invaluable.
  • Give yourself over to the process and be willing to walk however many miles up however many hills you are asked to walk.
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Legacy, Personal Identity |
| April 29, 2015
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Boundaries

Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself

 

When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.

The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business.  They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.

In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you.   Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.

I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.

The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.

At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.

My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
  • Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
  • Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| April 22, 2015
Comments Off on New Ideas

New Ideas

How to have your ideas heard and not ignored

This concept is near and dear to my heart.  In fact when I sat and started to think about topics I could write about this was one of the first to pop into my head.  I have a tendency to generate quite a good bit of new and often outlandish ideas.  I do this with such frequency that not only does my family mock me for my ideas, often even before presenting the idea, but my friends have started to as well.  I will be honest, a lot if not most of my ideas are ridiculous.  The ideas that I present that have merit, I don’t always present in the best manner and with the best supporting evidence.  More often than not I come with an idea that I’m very enthusiastic about, throw it out there and nothing happens.  This can begin to be frustrating from time to time but if I keep a few major points in mind I can help process myself through the frustration.

First, what is the venue for my presentation?  The classic new concept scene in any movie or TV show, is the two guys sketching the idea on the back of a cocktail napkin.  The next scene, may be them struggling to get an idea to concept in their garage or they may just be instantly successful.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that has started a business or launched a new concept in this manner.  This should also not be your presentation for your new idea.  On a regular basis I have a tough time getting face time with my dad, he is my primary sounding board for new ideas.  When I do get face time it’s typically at a family dinner when he’s popped in to town, limited moments between meetings with clients, or after a long day of bouncing from meeting to meeting and I’m the final appointment for him.  From the starting gate my idea doesn’t have a forum for success, so how could I be frustrated with a negative or dismissive response?  I have to start by framing an opportunity (a key component to conversation skills is framing the conversation).  I need to schedule time for face-to-face interaction with the knowledge that we’re discussing a new idea.  Some are saying, “this sounds ridiculous; why should I have to schedule time with my parents”?  Well, the fact is, your parents are probably busy for a reason.  Respect that fact, don’t try and fight that fact.  Learn to adapt to your situation; they don’t HAVE to listen to your idea but they will because they love you. 

Second, how am I presenting my idea?  Very rarely, in fact almost never, do I use formal tools for presenting new ideas. Meaning, I don’t use excel or power point.  However, the one time I did come armed with a spreadsheet I had one of my most productive conversations around a new idea ever.  The key was I wasn’t working in the abstract.  I had tangible data to have a dialogue about.  If you combine that with my framing of the opportunity, I was already ahead of where I have been in previous discussions.  I also didn’t start with: “let me tell you about this great idea I had.”  I started by asking some questions.  I led him to my idea before presenting my idea.  I asked him to describe his previous experience with the business model I was seeking to alter.  I already knew how he’d describe his experience because it was his discontent that served as the inspiration for my idea.  I just needed him think about all of the bad experiences he’d had in the past before I presented what I thought was the solution. 

Finally, what supporting evidence have I presented to validate my idea and ensure adoption?  Let’s get back to that spreadsheet I said I used earlier.  Anytime you are presenting a new idea, it is critical to have done exhaustive amounts of research and data mining.  Anyone that will be serious about helping you pursue the idea will have specific questions about the validity and feasibility of the idea.  You are in a much stronger position if you have already performed the due diligence and can answer their questions on the spot.  By doing so you are not only keeping them engaged in that moment, rather than needing to return to the conversation at a later date.  But you are also showing them that you have committed significant effort to the idea already and are more serious about this idea than the idea you presented over beers a few weeks ago.  You may have to leave and do further research, and you may be asked to develop your idea into a more formal presentation.  I promise you though, if you follow these three steps your chances of getting buy-in are almost 100%, as long as your idea isn’t to invent a space ship to go to Mars. 

I can empathize with anyone that has had idea after idea disregarded as outlandish gibberish as if you’re talking about sponsoring a hunt for Bigfoot.  Believe me I know how frustrating that is, especially if you actually have a good idea.  I remember once I tossed an idea my dad’s way and he totally dismissed it.  I simply paused and said: “dad, you didn’t ask me a single question about my idea, you just totally dismissed it.”  He was totally taken aback.  I wasn’t being rude, I was just calling him out on being dismissive, a trait he knows he exhibits with me at times.  The point here though is not that my dad was dismissive, it’s that if I’m owning my 100% of the situation, I need to present my ideas in better settings, in better ways, and with actual research because I’ve “cried wolf” too many times in the past.  I am putting all of the responsibility for the reception of new ideas on the next generation.  You have to learn to package concepts into a marketable format, and you have to start succeeding with selling your family before you can sell your customers. For lack of a better example, if you are presenting a new idea you are serious about, think of every person you present it to as Mark Cuban on Sharktank.  He is going to chew your idea up (and you) 100 times before committing to it.  If you aren’t prepared you will most likely leave without a deal. 

Good Luck

Practical Summary

  • Find the right venue for your presentation, frame the opportunity as a discussion for a new idea.
  • Lead with questions to guide your audience to your idea before you reveal your idea.
  •  Perform exhaustive research and come armed with data to support your concept.

 

Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 25, 2015
Comments Off on Power of The Name

Power of The Name

The access and respect given to you with your name

 

I have three related topics; one I’ll cover this week and the others over the next two weeks. The topic for this week is The Power of Your Family Name. If your last name is Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Ford, or Firestone chances are you’ve had a conversation about the power of your family name. Growing up I always wanted to have an epic family name, as if one day someone would pull up and tell us we were some long lost descendent of some powerful King or something along those lines. But having worked in this industry for a little while now I’ve come to see that you don’t have to have an epic family name, or be of noble descent in order to have power in your family name.

In most circles the name Habbershon is not interesting or meaningful in anyway. But in the family-business coaching world it garners enough respect that I need to tread lightly in those circles. I’ve had multiple encounters with people connecting with me here and there trying to get connected to my father. I have had experiences professionally that I wouldn’t otherwise have if it weren’t for my last name. I’ve also been given respect that I haven’t earned because of my last name.

For those Spiderman fans out there you know that with great power comes great responsibility. At some point in time someone in your family did something to warrant an abundance of respect associated with your family name. In my case, in my professional circle it is my father. I have, and you have an obligation to respect their hard work and act responsibly around that family name. When I started this blog I had two intentions, the first was to offer a different perspective on topics I hear taught regularly. The second reason is this represents an opportunity for me to make a name for myself. However, because I share the same name as my father, I showed him the necessary respect of him and our name and discussed this with him first. I may be (I’m not by the way) infringing upon his name with the topics I choose to write about or the things that I say.

I recently had a friend talk to me about how he wished he had a family connection like mine in his own professional setting. He kept talking about how he would take advantage of that opportunity if it were presented to him. You may recall from the Decision post when I talked around the thought process of taking the easy road and just following in your parent’s footsteps. If you remember what I said, there’s nothing easy about deciding to follow in your family’s footsteps. I said it then, and I’ll repeat it here; I used to think I had to do something on my own, separate from the work my father did. But that idea would mean I’d be passing up a foundation that my father laid through his own hard work. Rather than start totally new making a name for myself, why not build off of the powerful name that has already been created. Understand though that this is not an easy task. You will be weighed, and you will be measured against that name always. Expectations will be heaped upon you. In addition to that, there will be some around you that discount anything you do because “your name is the only reason you’re here.”

To anyone brave enough to walk this road and brave the expectations, to carry the weight of responsibility, and to endure foundationless ridicule I say: “good for you, let’s talk.” For anyone that chose a different path from their parents, and maybe want to blaze their own trail I say: “good for you, we should still talk.” There is an alternative perspective to mine, and it’s the person that decides to not enter the arena of their family name. There will still be times when you cannot escape your name, and that is okay. Don’t always feel like you have to. The one thing I wanted to convey with this post more than anything is that your family name is exciting and unique. Maybe it has a terrible reputation, maybe you are a Rockefeller, and maybe no one knows who you are. No matter what the case learn to be excited for your family history and whatever power comes with that.

 

Practical Summary

  • Your name has power, sometimes more than you may be aware of.
  • Respect the power of your name and act responsibly when using it.
  • It is not easy to follow in the family name, know that you are making a difficult choice for a tough road.
Category: Family Dynamics, Legacy, Personal Identity |
| March 18, 2015
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Communication

How to have effective conversations

 

Human beings learn to communicate literally the moment they are born. My son that was just recently born knows how to get his diaper changed and get food. He may not directly associate his 3 AM squawking to food, but when he’s hungry all he does is cry and someone gives him milk. My daughter who is a little over two can communicate a much broader range of desires, even emotions and feelings. At two she can already tell me she’s sad, she wants “somey” milk, or she can ask: “what’s that daddy?” to the large noise she heard outside. No wonder why we think we are communication experts, because we’ve been doing it our entire lives. And yet, despite our years of experience we take on challenging conversations or communication problems with the same skill my two year old might, and for some as skillfully as my newborn would.

My favorite analogy is this: a novice golfer getting out of his car, putting his bag on a cart, pulling up to the first tee box, gives his body a stretch here and a stretch there, and then swinging at the tiny infuriating ball at his feet and expecting the ball to travel with the same velocity and accuracy that Tiger Woods would expect (prior to his career melting down). The fact is Tiger Woods has spent years of his life dedicated to that single shot you just hit into the woods. Not only that but he would never get out of his car and walk right up to a tee box Thursday morning of The Masters. He will have regulated his meals for a week prior, his sleep, his outfit, and how much swinging he’s done. Everything about that shot is calculated down to the finest variable. When you think about how you communicate, and the conversations you have surrounding your family business or your inheritance I DO NOT want you to treat them as if you’re deciding to go to Dairy Queen or not. I want you to treat them with the same level of commitment and calculation that Tiger Woods puts into one shot. I also want you to understand that you are as much of a novice at communicating, as my daughter would be at golf. What I am about to walk through may seem obvious, but in practice, in the moment it’s no more obvious than how to hit a perfect draw 230 yards into the wind.

The first thing to practice in these conversations is how we communicate. Your tone, facial expression, gestures, and conversational context are all communicating just as much as your words. If I say “I Love You” to my wife, but scream it at her after we’ve just fought, the sentiment probably isn’t hitting home. Notice though that I didn’t just say tone, your body language and especially the context of conversation implies a lot as well. I have had multiple frustrating strategy and business development conversations with my father while driving him to the airport. From the context I just provided, what impressions would you take away? Personally, my first impression is that what I find to be critically important to my professional career is not that important to him. If something is important, you make time for it. I understand that utilizing my dad as a resource and sounding board for my business development doesn’t stack up against his actual job in importance. But it is the highest level of importance to me, so I would hope it would land higher on his list of priorities than a 45 min car ride to the airport. There’s a heap of emotional baggage from my own life wrapped up there, but you can see how even the slightest detail can alter the meaning and intentions behind a statement or action. Schedule time to have the important conversations the right way.

The next point is harder to grasp. I understand that once I say this there will be a million “what if” questions floating around. For the moment ignore them and take this point at face value. Be as transparent and honest as possible. I know, sometimes you’re talking with someone and they shouldn’t know all of the details. That is not what I’m talking about here. I’m referring to your thoughts and feelings. Coupled with kind language, tone, and atmosphere an honest and transparent statement about what you are feeling or thinking is an incredibly powerful tool for building trust in relationships. If you have all of your cards on the table, there is no room for assumptions to be made and no room for miscommunication. The other dynamic to this strategy is you are placing yourself in an exposed and humble state. In that moment you aren’t aggressive, there isn’t negative energy swirling around the room, and the other person is forced to choose what position they will take. They could go on the offensive and strike, or they could choose to respond in kind and meet you in a non-aggressive position. At that point you will have built a platform for productive conversation. Is this always easy: heck no! Is it always effective: most of the time.

My family has major intimacy issues; some would deny that statement but the facts are on the table. I have to constantly work at transparency and honesty with my wife, because growing up our household of four kids it was every man for himself. Our family dinners have been described as verbal combat or verbal karate. If you mix that with two parents who have their own historical family intimacy issues you’ve got a mixed cocktail of some pretty hardened people.   So I have to work at this with my wife, when I’m working with my dad, and when I’m dealing with my children. One of the most powerful moments of my childhood was when my dad sat my older sister and I down after we’d been battling with one another. I can’t remember the exact details, but all I remember is this. My dad sat both of us down and looked us straight in the eyes and said: “I have no idea what I’m doing here. I have never been a parent of multiple teenagers before, just like you’ve never been teenagers before. I have a thought of what I should do to handle this, but honestly I’m doing the best I can to make it through.” What a powerful statement. He was placing all of the emotional energy in our court, he was giving us a choice with how we should respond, and he was telling us that he might make a bad decision because he’s never made this kind of decision before. He went on to ask us to offer one another and him a great deal of grace in our lives. I can honestly say that moment brought the three of us closer, and in many ways began the peership leveling process we now get to enjoy.

My final point for communication success is to ask questions. Ask a ton of questions before you pass judgment on a person or their actions. Professionally, we would require an individual to ask their family member three questions before they can make a judgment or statement. If I said to you: “your brother got to the mall in my car.” What would you first response be? It would probably start with a couple of questions as to why he was driving my car and not his own. Why did he drive by himself, and why did he need to go to the mall so badly that he had to borrow my car? So when your parents say, I’d like you to work on the production line as your first job in the family company, or we’re giving you X amount of dollars over Y amount of years, shouldn’t you lead with questions? These questions should be framed in a context that satisfies my first two points here today. Feel free to express your true feelings about what you might have just heard. Say something like: “mom/dad I’m feeling a little anxious and frustrated that I have to work on the production line when I just spent four years at college. Can you tell me a little more about your thinking behind this decision?” You have hopefully phrased all of this kindly, but that statement and question brings them into your emotional framework as well as offers an open ended question for them to bring you into their thinking process. Don’t just stop there; ask three or four levels of clarifying questions after that. Remember, with questions the deeper you go the more you know.

None of the principles I’ve discussed here today are easy. All of them require a great deal of practice and dedication from all parties. As I said at the beginning, these are professional level skills you’re learning here for serious and challenging conversations. If I were in your shoes, I’d take each piece and try them in a more casual setting. Ask your friends some deeper level questions while you’re grabbing a beer. Try being totally honest and transparent with someone you know is safe. In all areas of your life, become aware or your tone, body language, and the context in which you’re having a conversation. Have you been giving serious matters the proper forum for discussion, or have you been only giving them airport-driving time? I hope that this post will be helpful on your journey with your family, if nothing else hopefully it’s given you something to think about.

Good Luck

 

Productive Summary

  • What is your tone, body language, and context saying in addition to your words?
  • Be honest and as transparent as possible.
  • Ask questions…a lot of questions.
Category: Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 11, 2015
Comments Off on Voice Not Vote

Voice Not Vote

Empowering the Next Generation to learn how to use their voice without expecting a vote

 

This concept probably should have been my first post because it is where I draw the title of the blog from, but some of those early concepts I thought were more important for people to think about prior to this one. In addition to that there is a conceptual flow that I’m following and now would be an appropriate time to explore the concept of Voice Not Vote.

The title of the blog is not to connote the idea that I want to Next Generation to rise up in protest and find their voice. I am in no way suggesting that the concepts of this blog are a battle between the young and old, and the next generation needs to find their voice in that battle. Actually the concept of Voice Not Vote is an empowerment offered by the senior generation to the next generation. We encourage the senior generation to offer the next generation a voice in decision making for the family, the business, or wealth transfers but not a vote. If you recall the Entitlement blog, my father gave my brother a voice around ownership of their business venture, but ultimately the vote belonged to my father because he owned the capital. There are multiple nuances at play for when a person get’s a vote, but we should explore first the need for a voice.

Let’s look at an analogy for a moment. Say you have a father and son driving in the car together; they drive together every day all day but the father always drives. The son has never driven the car; in fact he’s never driven any car because his father has always insisted on driving. Not only has the son never driven, but also the father doesn’t tolerate a backseat driver so he accepts no input from the son. One day the father says to the son: “I’m tired of driving, it’s your turn now.” The father hands the son the keys and simply wishes him well. Would you feel safe driving on the roads knowing this son was out there operating a vehicle…probably not. Interestingly enough, we’re not fine driving on the road with this person, but more often than not family businesses transfer from one generation to the next in this exact fashion.

In some ways this is a post for both generations. I’m not trying to upset the hierarchy of your household, so please don’t show this to your parents and say: “ha, I told you someone else thinks you need to listen to me.” What I’m saying here is that we have seen repeatedly this concept provide families with less anxiety, closer relationships, more productive dialogue, and a smoother transition of business or transfer of wealth. Recently my dad sent an email to the four of us (his kids) asking for time to do a conference call. None of us knew the topic (a conference call for our family is not weird) but we were all intrigued why he’d want to talk now. He was calling to discuss his estate because he had just started his estate planning. He wasn’t asking us what we wanted to inherit or even necessarily how we wanted to inherit things. He simply opened the conversation up to us to gather our opinions. The collective opinion was simply: “Dad we are grateful you’d even consider us, it’s your stuff and none of us expects anything in anyway, do what you want.” Now before you assume that our family is the Brady Bunch because our dad is a family business specialist that deals with family conflict on the regular, let me just tell you we are more like the Osbornes than the Brady Bunch. I tell this story to illustrate how a senior generation can invite the next generation into the conversation. My dad could have just told his attorney exactly how he wanted things to work, and on the day of his death we would find out how his estate transferred. But in that scenario, where is the opportunity for dialogue to promote closeness, and where is the opportunity for the four kids to learn how to plan an estate? Also in our family conversation my dad got to learn about his own children, the way we think, and our expectations around any inheritance we would ever see. Without a dialogue none of that information is unearthed.

For the next generation, once you’ve been given a voice don’t suddenly expect a vote. You MUST act with humility and grace; you have been given an opportunity to learn from your parents. You have been given an opportunity to grow closer to your parents. You have been given an opportunity to be heard and contribute value to the conversation. Do not take this for granted. I can remember growing up getting frustrated with every level of my education. I hated being treated like a child and still do. I remember the amazing feeling to have an adult value my opinion, to actually ask me what I thought. It didn’t mean they were going to do exactly what I said, but it was a data point they wanted to collect to inform their decision. That’s all your voice is here, but your voice is still an incredibly valuable piece of information.

Finally, I said you have an opportunity to learn from your parents. You’ve been given a voice, you’re allowed to be in the room to hear everything your parents hear. But you also get to watch them act. You get to ask questions about why they made THAT decision instead of doing something else. All I can say for the stage where you only get a voice is to learn EVERYTHING you possibly can from your parents. Some things will be valuable; others may dictate how you don’t act in the future. Either way learn all you can while you can. This concept of getting a voice and not a vote, like all of our concepts is a tricky skill based sport with a high potential for error. I don’t want anyone to read what I’m saying and to use this as a guidebook for how to transfer their family business or their wealth. All I want is for these concepts to raise conversation points. Next week we’ll deal with Communication, and how to communicate. What I’d like you to take away from this post is that there are options available to every family to successfully transfer wealth, transition a business, and remain an intact family. These decisions do not have to end in pain.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

 

  • Empower the voice of the next generation.
  • Don’t expect a vote when you’re in “the room”.
  • Until you’re given a vote learn all you can.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 4, 2015
Comments Off on Expectations

Expectations

What is expected of you if you work for your family, or you inherit wealth?

 

Have you ever had a conversation with your parents about their expectations for you? What was it like? Did they just come out and tell you what they expected, and there was zero negotiation? Did they describe a wish for you? Maybe they were really vague and only insinuated some of their desires. We will touch on the importance of the method later, but for now the important question is what are their expectations and how do you interact around them?

In order to illustrate my question allow me to first apologize for my absence from posting for the past two weeks. My wife and I welcomed into the world our second child and I took some time away from work in order to be with my family and aide in our transition from a three-person household to a four-person household.   I knew that when this child was born there wouldn’t be any expectation that I hurry back to work, even though we’re in the middle of a massive system of work. My father knows that my family is my utmost priority. Needing to return to work immediately was never an expectation I had to adhere to. However, getting an MBA, working for an outside company, and being willing to talk business at almost any moment (including while you’re in the hospital visiting with friends and family after the birth of your second child) are all expectations that I have lived with. The first two we actively discussed, the third we didn’t.

I remember back in college talking with my dad about working with him one day, never as a true reality but just a hypothetical. He said he wouldn’t hire me right away even if I wanted to work with him. As he put it, I needed to work somewhere else to learn corporate discipline before I tried working in a fragmented industry. He was right; in my first job I learned how to answer to a hierarchy of bosses, I learned corporate politics, and I learned how to be a small cog in a big system. If I started working for him right away I would have adopted all of the his bad habits that he’s accumulated over the years, and to be honest some of them would have seriously hurt me professionally. The MBA was a conversation we had after I started working with him. He said it seemed like a good idea, and it was something he really wanted to see me pursue. In dad lingo that’s his way of saying: “hey you’re getting an MBA.” I chose the school and style of program I wanted to pursue, but he was involved in the approval process to be sure I was getting what I needed from the degree. Finally, we never discussed the expectation that we could and would discuss business matters at any moment, it just happened. My dad and I don’t see one another very often, so when we do see one another we try and catch up on anything that needs to be settled in person. We have had work conversations in the hospital, at family dinners in restaurants, and even at my brother’s bachelor party. In this regard we have not done a great job creating boundaries around certain events, and this should have been a point of discussion from the beginning.

So why bring all of this up, what’s the point? The point is that unless you have a conversation about expectations at some point someone is going to violate what you expected and there is a place for friction and resentment to grow. If you’re dad expects you to arrive at work every day at 7, and you show up at 9 with the rest of the staff, in his mind you’re late to work everyday. All of the sudden he sees you as always being late to everything and has now created an attribution for you. That sounds absurd to some, but it’s happened with families that don’t communicate well. If your parents aren’t going to have a conversation about expectations prior to you working in the family business, or before you inherit a large sum of money then you need to initiate the conversation.

I mentioned earlier that we would get to the how your parents communicate expectations. This topic will be explored in great depth in a separate blog, but in this moment we have to talk about communication styles and principles. More often than not, when a child enters the family business or they’re given a large sum of money the parents TELL their kids what they want to see happen. This has several outcomes. The first is an inflexible linear pathway. If a discussion were opened around the expectations, perhaps multiple alternatives could be explored and a greater degree of performance achieved. The second outcome is possible resentment. Children seem to be born to resent their parents for something, and being told what to do and how to do it is typically a list topper. But there is a sure fire way to manage the communication environment; if you as the child initiate the conversation, you’ve already won points by showing you can take initiative for serious matters. You also have the opportunity to dictate the flow of conversation, and if you lead with questions like: “What is your wish?” “What is your optimal outcome?” and “Is our current path leading to that optimal outcome?” then you can get at the heart of real insightful concerns for your parents. You have also allowed yourself to avoid any personal resentment.

The purpose of this post is to start a dialogue. I can honestly tell you it’s so sad to see families arguing over personal items that actually could have been avoided with a transparent conversation around expectations. This conversation should always be focused on wishes and opportunities, and never on fears or worst-case scenarios. If you plan through fear all you will get is exactly what you’re afraid of. But if you plan through wishes, you will get what you hope for. My wish for anyone that reads this blog that you will be able to have conversations around wish and opportunity, and hopefully avoid some dangerous pitfalls as you enter your family business, or receive a large amount of money. Both situations have the potential for incredible success and family closeness, or disastrous splitting and cutting off. Hopefully you will work to achieve the former.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • If the conversation hasn’t been had about your parent’s expectations, it’s time for you to initiate.
  • Lead with questions; ask multi-level questions that get deeper each time to get to the heart of your parent’s fears and concerns.
  • Always stay focused on wishes and opportunities
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| February 11, 2015
Comments Off on Entitlement

Entitlement

The internal tension between what you think you deserve and what you actually deserve

 

If you read the previous blog post you can imagine where I stand on the issue of entitlement. I am going to try and not sound too harsh with this post but this subject is very important and one that I’m impassioned about. All too often I get into conversations with next generation family business owners or future inheritors of wealth and they are constantly talking about what is owed to them and they are talking about the terms that they think they deserve. On the flip side I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count the amount of parents that have created terrible family environments because of the fear that they have around their children becoming entitled. So the message I have here today is for the next generation business owners and future inheritors of wealth on how to not be entitled and how to put your parent’s fears to bed.

The first thing I’d say is adopt the idea of merit being the basis for everything. Just like last weeks post this should be something you internalize. You deserve nothing, you get only what you earn. You may receive a bit more than you truly deserve because your last name is Smith or Johnson, but that is all just gravy. I suppose this point is for parents as well, your son or daughter should not be given the keys to the kingdom just because they are your son or daughter. Assess, or better yet have an objective party assess their skills and the merits for which they should be promoted. This concept becomes tricky when you aren’t dealing with a family business transfer, but simply a transfer of wealth. In that case I’d suggest to the parents to start a transparent conversation around why the family has wealth, what the money is intended for, and what your wish is for your kids surrounding that money. Hiding the fact that you have money and that will one day it will transfer to them, or withholding it for a long period of time will only breed distrust. The conversation though, will open up a forum for discussion that will inform your children about the wealth legacy you hope to leave. This is a powerful conversation that significantly diminishes the probability of entitlement.

The second reminder I have for the next generation is this: you don’t set the terms. For whatever reason my generation is rampant (I’m guilty as well) with young people that think they get to set the terms of negotiation. Honestly, who do we really think we are? Personally I think we see stars of our generation achieving success so early that we in turn think WE are special. That sounds a bit harsh, but the truth of it is when you think about what you’ve gotten away with in your lifetime thus far, wouldn’t you say you’ve been a bit bold? I know I have. I recall, and hopefully he won’t be upset with me sharing this, when my brother was attempting to start a new venture with my dad. My dad, being my dad, had a very pointed conversation with my brother about ownership before they even started. He asked my brother if any of his siblings would have any rights to ownership; my brother’s response was what anyone would have answered…No. He was doing all of the work; it was his idea, why in the world should his siblings reap the benefits? My dad’s response was simply, who is supplying the capital? My dad was, so he got to set the terms. If he wanted to make his portion of ownership a part of his estate, and the four of his children had equal claims to his estate then my brother should have been prepared to have three partners some way down the line.

I don’t share this story to embarrass or ridicule my brother; honestly I would have answered the question the exact same way. But my dad was right, it was his money and my brother had no entitlement to it, so my dad got to set the terms. I use this story to illustrate the point that even in a family that does not come from or have a lot of money, entitlement can still creep in. This story also is intended to illustrate that the person who is supplying the capital sets the terms, vary rarely is that the next generation.

The final point is this; if you want to work on placating your parent’s fears about you being entitled, just work. I mean really work hard. Work as if this is the job you were born to do. Don’t do it because they expect you to, and don’t do it because you know they want you to. Work hard and long because at the end of the day you’ll know you earned every dollar you made. You will remove any doubt about your intentions for the family business, or your intentions surrounding the money you may inherit. Work as if you don’t need what they are willing to give you because you would make it on your own. Don’t talk about how you’re not entitled; show them.

I’m hoping that at the end of this post I wasn’t too harsh, I can empathize with the feelings of entitlement because it’s something I battle against all the time. I challenge myself to go the extra mile always, and I never want to be handed anything, I want to earn it. My hope is that with this message you can see more clearly the fears your parents have, and how you can positively change their perspective with your own actions.

Best of Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Merit is the basis for everything.
  • You don’t set the terms.
  • Work to placate your parent’s fears, by working.
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Legacy |
| February 4, 2015
Comments Off on Siblings

Siblings

How do we handle our siblings?

 

I have siblings, do you? I have three siblings, two older and one younger. It has been said of our sibling group that people have not met four human beings that came from the same parents that are more dissimilar. One way that we are all the same though is in our competitive nature, especially being competitive with one another. As it is with any family, when you have four kids close together in age they will tend to fight for attention. The scary part about kids fighting for attention is when it transforms from small children getting their parent’s attention in the kitchen to adult children getting their parent’s attention in the board room. The challenge I’d like to discuss here today is kids working for the family business and the impact that can have on sibling relationships. There are three points that come to mind when I think about siblings and family businesses, the first is different people get different things at different times, the second is merit is the only basis for employment and promotion, and finally be happy for one another.

The first thought about siblings is an age-old mantra from my father (that I hated growing up): “Different people get different things at different times.” I used to get so angry when I heard this, all I wanted was for my dad to admit it was unfair that my older siblings got to stay up later than me, or they got to go somewhere I didn’t. The fact is though this statement is not only critical for sibling relationships but for life in general. As human beings we’re constantly looking for greener pastures that always seem to be on our neighbors land, or we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses. This attitude can be incredibly dangerous when you encounter it in adult children in a family business environment. Parents don’t always make this better either, they try and split things equally which doesn’t always work and will almost always leave someone feeling jaded. So how do you combat this? You learn to internalize this mantra. Your time will come, maybe not at the same time and maybe not in the same area but your time for your thing will come.

Merit is the quality of being worthy or good so as to deserve praise or reward. Often times as human beings, and especially as siblings we can often doubt the rewards our counterparts receive. Did she really deserve that extra cookie mom just gave her, did her degree really prepare her to be hired at dad’s company, and did that client really mean she needed to be promoted to the VP of sales? Any of these thoughts sounding familiar yet? The point here is that merit is the only basis for any reward, and most importantly you are not the judge of who deserves anything. Learn to be happy for your siblings in their success, and sad with them in their failures. If you can internalize the mantra from earlier you will see how easy it is to be truly happy when your siblings are successful, or when they decide to go work for the family business.

I know at this point there are some people that are thinking that this is all so obvious, and how could anyone really be mad about their siblings working with their parents. Allow me for a moment to paint you a picture. Let’s say for example you have a family with four kids (no not mine) and you are kid #2. Your older brother and you both work in the company, your younger sisters both work elsewhere and have successful careers. You have worked tirelessly for the last four years to build your branch of the business and have succeeded at every turn while your brother has 18 appointments every couple days (he plays golf). One day your dad calls you and your brother into his office and says that he has begun his transition towards retirement; upon his retirement your younger sisters will both be financially compensated for 25% of the value of the company each while you and your brother will have equal parts ownership. Thankfully your dad has seen the success you’ve had and appoints you the future CEO of the family business.

This is a hypothetical scenario that actually happens all of the time, and a case could be made by any of the four kids that they were slighted in this arrangement. Rivalry between siblings surrounding money and business happens so fast it is scary, and the ferocity with which siblings interact when it’s family business is even scarier. If you are in a situation today where you can resent your siblings for something they’ve gotten, start now learning to internalize that earlier mantra. Learn to not judge their merit and truly and honestly learn to be happy for them.

Good Luck

Jonathan

 

Productive Summary

 

  • Internalize this: “Different people get different things at different times.”
  • Merit is the only basis for reward or employment; you are not the judge of merit.
  • Be truly and honestly happy for your siblings when they are successful, no matter what the circumstances.

 

 

Category: Family Dynamics |
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