Archive for Communication

| April 29, 2015
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Boundaries

Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself

 

When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.

The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business.  They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.

In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you.   Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.

I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.

The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.

At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.

My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
  • Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
  • Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| April 22, 2015
Comments Off on New Ideas

New Ideas

How to have your ideas heard and not ignored

This concept is near and dear to my heart.  In fact when I sat and started to think about topics I could write about this was one of the first to pop into my head.  I have a tendency to generate quite a good bit of new and often outlandish ideas.  I do this with such frequency that not only does my family mock me for my ideas, often even before presenting the idea, but my friends have started to as well.  I will be honest, a lot if not most of my ideas are ridiculous.  The ideas that I present that have merit, I don’t always present in the best manner and with the best supporting evidence.  More often than not I come with an idea that I’m very enthusiastic about, throw it out there and nothing happens.  This can begin to be frustrating from time to time but if I keep a few major points in mind I can help process myself through the frustration.

First, what is the venue for my presentation?  The classic new concept scene in any movie or TV show, is the two guys sketching the idea on the back of a cocktail napkin.  The next scene, may be them struggling to get an idea to concept in their garage or they may just be instantly successful.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that has started a business or launched a new concept in this manner.  This should also not be your presentation for your new idea.  On a regular basis I have a tough time getting face time with my dad, he is my primary sounding board for new ideas.  When I do get face time it’s typically at a family dinner when he’s popped in to town, limited moments between meetings with clients, or after a long day of bouncing from meeting to meeting and I’m the final appointment for him.  From the starting gate my idea doesn’t have a forum for success, so how could I be frustrated with a negative or dismissive response?  I have to start by framing an opportunity (a key component to conversation skills is framing the conversation).  I need to schedule time for face-to-face interaction with the knowledge that we’re discussing a new idea.  Some are saying, “this sounds ridiculous; why should I have to schedule time with my parents”?  Well, the fact is, your parents are probably busy for a reason.  Respect that fact, don’t try and fight that fact.  Learn to adapt to your situation; they don’t HAVE to listen to your idea but they will because they love you. 

Second, how am I presenting my idea?  Very rarely, in fact almost never, do I use formal tools for presenting new ideas. Meaning, I don’t use excel or power point.  However, the one time I did come armed with a spreadsheet I had one of my most productive conversations around a new idea ever.  The key was I wasn’t working in the abstract.  I had tangible data to have a dialogue about.  If you combine that with my framing of the opportunity, I was already ahead of where I have been in previous discussions.  I also didn’t start with: “let me tell you about this great idea I had.”  I started by asking some questions.  I led him to my idea before presenting my idea.  I asked him to describe his previous experience with the business model I was seeking to alter.  I already knew how he’d describe his experience because it was his discontent that served as the inspiration for my idea.  I just needed him think about all of the bad experiences he’d had in the past before I presented what I thought was the solution. 

Finally, what supporting evidence have I presented to validate my idea and ensure adoption?  Let’s get back to that spreadsheet I said I used earlier.  Anytime you are presenting a new idea, it is critical to have done exhaustive amounts of research and data mining.  Anyone that will be serious about helping you pursue the idea will have specific questions about the validity and feasibility of the idea.  You are in a much stronger position if you have already performed the due diligence and can answer their questions on the spot.  By doing so you are not only keeping them engaged in that moment, rather than needing to return to the conversation at a later date.  But you are also showing them that you have committed significant effort to the idea already and are more serious about this idea than the idea you presented over beers a few weeks ago.  You may have to leave and do further research, and you may be asked to develop your idea into a more formal presentation.  I promise you though, if you follow these three steps your chances of getting buy-in are almost 100%, as long as your idea isn’t to invent a space ship to go to Mars. 

I can empathize with anyone that has had idea after idea disregarded as outlandish gibberish as if you’re talking about sponsoring a hunt for Bigfoot.  Believe me I know how frustrating that is, especially if you actually have a good idea.  I remember once I tossed an idea my dad’s way and he totally dismissed it.  I simply paused and said: “dad, you didn’t ask me a single question about my idea, you just totally dismissed it.”  He was totally taken aback.  I wasn’t being rude, I was just calling him out on being dismissive, a trait he knows he exhibits with me at times.  The point here though is not that my dad was dismissive, it’s that if I’m owning my 100% of the situation, I need to present my ideas in better settings, in better ways, and with actual research because I’ve “cried wolf” too many times in the past.  I am putting all of the responsibility for the reception of new ideas on the next generation.  You have to learn to package concepts into a marketable format, and you have to start succeeding with selling your family before you can sell your customers. For lack of a better example, if you are presenting a new idea you are serious about, think of every person you present it to as Mark Cuban on Sharktank.  He is going to chew your idea up (and you) 100 times before committing to it.  If you aren’t prepared you will most likely leave without a deal. 

Good Luck

Practical Summary

  • Find the right venue for your presentation, frame the opportunity as a discussion for a new idea.
  • Lead with questions to guide your audience to your idea before you reveal your idea.
  •  Perform exhaustive research and come armed with data to support your concept.

 

Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 18, 2015
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Communication

How to have effective conversations

 

Human beings learn to communicate literally the moment they are born. My son that was just recently born knows how to get his diaper changed and get food. He may not directly associate his 3 AM squawking to food, but when he’s hungry all he does is cry and someone gives him milk. My daughter who is a little over two can communicate a much broader range of desires, even emotions and feelings. At two she can already tell me she’s sad, she wants “somey” milk, or she can ask: “what’s that daddy?” to the large noise she heard outside. No wonder why we think we are communication experts, because we’ve been doing it our entire lives. And yet, despite our years of experience we take on challenging conversations or communication problems with the same skill my two year old might, and for some as skillfully as my newborn would.

My favorite analogy is this: a novice golfer getting out of his car, putting his bag on a cart, pulling up to the first tee box, gives his body a stretch here and a stretch there, and then swinging at the tiny infuriating ball at his feet and expecting the ball to travel with the same velocity and accuracy that Tiger Woods would expect (prior to his career melting down). The fact is Tiger Woods has spent years of his life dedicated to that single shot you just hit into the woods. Not only that but he would never get out of his car and walk right up to a tee box Thursday morning of The Masters. He will have regulated his meals for a week prior, his sleep, his outfit, and how much swinging he’s done. Everything about that shot is calculated down to the finest variable. When you think about how you communicate, and the conversations you have surrounding your family business or your inheritance I DO NOT want you to treat them as if you’re deciding to go to Dairy Queen or not. I want you to treat them with the same level of commitment and calculation that Tiger Woods puts into one shot. I also want you to understand that you are as much of a novice at communicating, as my daughter would be at golf. What I am about to walk through may seem obvious, but in practice, in the moment it’s no more obvious than how to hit a perfect draw 230 yards into the wind.

The first thing to practice in these conversations is how we communicate. Your tone, facial expression, gestures, and conversational context are all communicating just as much as your words. If I say “I Love You” to my wife, but scream it at her after we’ve just fought, the sentiment probably isn’t hitting home. Notice though that I didn’t just say tone, your body language and especially the context of conversation implies a lot as well. I have had multiple frustrating strategy and business development conversations with my father while driving him to the airport. From the context I just provided, what impressions would you take away? Personally, my first impression is that what I find to be critically important to my professional career is not that important to him. If something is important, you make time for it. I understand that utilizing my dad as a resource and sounding board for my business development doesn’t stack up against his actual job in importance. But it is the highest level of importance to me, so I would hope it would land higher on his list of priorities than a 45 min car ride to the airport. There’s a heap of emotional baggage from my own life wrapped up there, but you can see how even the slightest detail can alter the meaning and intentions behind a statement or action. Schedule time to have the important conversations the right way.

The next point is harder to grasp. I understand that once I say this there will be a million “what if” questions floating around. For the moment ignore them and take this point at face value. Be as transparent and honest as possible. I know, sometimes you’re talking with someone and they shouldn’t know all of the details. That is not what I’m talking about here. I’m referring to your thoughts and feelings. Coupled with kind language, tone, and atmosphere an honest and transparent statement about what you are feeling or thinking is an incredibly powerful tool for building trust in relationships. If you have all of your cards on the table, there is no room for assumptions to be made and no room for miscommunication. The other dynamic to this strategy is you are placing yourself in an exposed and humble state. In that moment you aren’t aggressive, there isn’t negative energy swirling around the room, and the other person is forced to choose what position they will take. They could go on the offensive and strike, or they could choose to respond in kind and meet you in a non-aggressive position. At that point you will have built a platform for productive conversation. Is this always easy: heck no! Is it always effective: most of the time.

My family has major intimacy issues; some would deny that statement but the facts are on the table. I have to constantly work at transparency and honesty with my wife, because growing up our household of four kids it was every man for himself. Our family dinners have been described as verbal combat or verbal karate. If you mix that with two parents who have their own historical family intimacy issues you’ve got a mixed cocktail of some pretty hardened people.   So I have to work at this with my wife, when I’m working with my dad, and when I’m dealing with my children. One of the most powerful moments of my childhood was when my dad sat my older sister and I down after we’d been battling with one another. I can’t remember the exact details, but all I remember is this. My dad sat both of us down and looked us straight in the eyes and said: “I have no idea what I’m doing here. I have never been a parent of multiple teenagers before, just like you’ve never been teenagers before. I have a thought of what I should do to handle this, but honestly I’m doing the best I can to make it through.” What a powerful statement. He was placing all of the emotional energy in our court, he was giving us a choice with how we should respond, and he was telling us that he might make a bad decision because he’s never made this kind of decision before. He went on to ask us to offer one another and him a great deal of grace in our lives. I can honestly say that moment brought the three of us closer, and in many ways began the peership leveling process we now get to enjoy.

My final point for communication success is to ask questions. Ask a ton of questions before you pass judgment on a person or their actions. Professionally, we would require an individual to ask their family member three questions before they can make a judgment or statement. If I said to you: “your brother got to the mall in my car.” What would you first response be? It would probably start with a couple of questions as to why he was driving my car and not his own. Why did he drive by himself, and why did he need to go to the mall so badly that he had to borrow my car? So when your parents say, I’d like you to work on the production line as your first job in the family company, or we’re giving you X amount of dollars over Y amount of years, shouldn’t you lead with questions? These questions should be framed in a context that satisfies my first two points here today. Feel free to express your true feelings about what you might have just heard. Say something like: “mom/dad I’m feeling a little anxious and frustrated that I have to work on the production line when I just spent four years at college. Can you tell me a little more about your thinking behind this decision?” You have hopefully phrased all of this kindly, but that statement and question brings them into your emotional framework as well as offers an open ended question for them to bring you into their thinking process. Don’t just stop there; ask three or four levels of clarifying questions after that. Remember, with questions the deeper you go the more you know.

None of the principles I’ve discussed here today are easy. All of them require a great deal of practice and dedication from all parties. As I said at the beginning, these are professional level skills you’re learning here for serious and challenging conversations. If I were in your shoes, I’d take each piece and try them in a more casual setting. Ask your friends some deeper level questions while you’re grabbing a beer. Try being totally honest and transparent with someone you know is safe. In all areas of your life, become aware or your tone, body language, and the context in which you’re having a conversation. Have you been giving serious matters the proper forum for discussion, or have you been only giving them airport-driving time? I hope that this post will be helpful on your journey with your family, if nothing else hopefully it’s given you something to think about.

Good Luck

 

Productive Summary

  • What is your tone, body language, and context saying in addition to your words?
  • Be honest and as transparent as possible.
  • Ask questions…a lot of questions.
Category: Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 11, 2015
Comments Off on Voice Not Vote

Voice Not Vote

Empowering the Next Generation to learn how to use their voice without expecting a vote

 

This concept probably should have been my first post because it is where I draw the title of the blog from, but some of those early concepts I thought were more important for people to think about prior to this one. In addition to that there is a conceptual flow that I’m following and now would be an appropriate time to explore the concept of Voice Not Vote.

The title of the blog is not to connote the idea that I want to Next Generation to rise up in protest and find their voice. I am in no way suggesting that the concepts of this blog are a battle between the young and old, and the next generation needs to find their voice in that battle. Actually the concept of Voice Not Vote is an empowerment offered by the senior generation to the next generation. We encourage the senior generation to offer the next generation a voice in decision making for the family, the business, or wealth transfers but not a vote. If you recall the Entitlement blog, my father gave my brother a voice around ownership of their business venture, but ultimately the vote belonged to my father because he owned the capital. There are multiple nuances at play for when a person get’s a vote, but we should explore first the need for a voice.

Let’s look at an analogy for a moment. Say you have a father and son driving in the car together; they drive together every day all day but the father always drives. The son has never driven the car; in fact he’s never driven any car because his father has always insisted on driving. Not only has the son never driven, but also the father doesn’t tolerate a backseat driver so he accepts no input from the son. One day the father says to the son: “I’m tired of driving, it’s your turn now.” The father hands the son the keys and simply wishes him well. Would you feel safe driving on the roads knowing this son was out there operating a vehicle…probably not. Interestingly enough, we’re not fine driving on the road with this person, but more often than not family businesses transfer from one generation to the next in this exact fashion.

In some ways this is a post for both generations. I’m not trying to upset the hierarchy of your household, so please don’t show this to your parents and say: “ha, I told you someone else thinks you need to listen to me.” What I’m saying here is that we have seen repeatedly this concept provide families with less anxiety, closer relationships, more productive dialogue, and a smoother transition of business or transfer of wealth. Recently my dad sent an email to the four of us (his kids) asking for time to do a conference call. None of us knew the topic (a conference call for our family is not weird) but we were all intrigued why he’d want to talk now. He was calling to discuss his estate because he had just started his estate planning. He wasn’t asking us what we wanted to inherit or even necessarily how we wanted to inherit things. He simply opened the conversation up to us to gather our opinions. The collective opinion was simply: “Dad we are grateful you’d even consider us, it’s your stuff and none of us expects anything in anyway, do what you want.” Now before you assume that our family is the Brady Bunch because our dad is a family business specialist that deals with family conflict on the regular, let me just tell you we are more like the Osbornes than the Brady Bunch. I tell this story to illustrate how a senior generation can invite the next generation into the conversation. My dad could have just told his attorney exactly how he wanted things to work, and on the day of his death we would find out how his estate transferred. But in that scenario, where is the opportunity for dialogue to promote closeness, and where is the opportunity for the four kids to learn how to plan an estate? Also in our family conversation my dad got to learn about his own children, the way we think, and our expectations around any inheritance we would ever see. Without a dialogue none of that information is unearthed.

For the next generation, once you’ve been given a voice don’t suddenly expect a vote. You MUST act with humility and grace; you have been given an opportunity to learn from your parents. You have been given an opportunity to grow closer to your parents. You have been given an opportunity to be heard and contribute value to the conversation. Do not take this for granted. I can remember growing up getting frustrated with every level of my education. I hated being treated like a child and still do. I remember the amazing feeling to have an adult value my opinion, to actually ask me what I thought. It didn’t mean they were going to do exactly what I said, but it was a data point they wanted to collect to inform their decision. That’s all your voice is here, but your voice is still an incredibly valuable piece of information.

Finally, I said you have an opportunity to learn from your parents. You’ve been given a voice, you’re allowed to be in the room to hear everything your parents hear. But you also get to watch them act. You get to ask questions about why they made THAT decision instead of doing something else. All I can say for the stage where you only get a voice is to learn EVERYTHING you possibly can from your parents. Some things will be valuable; others may dictate how you don’t act in the future. Either way learn all you can while you can. This concept of getting a voice and not a vote, like all of our concepts is a tricky skill based sport with a high potential for error. I don’t want anyone to read what I’m saying and to use this as a guidebook for how to transfer their family business or their wealth. All I want is for these concepts to raise conversation points. Next week we’ll deal with Communication, and how to communicate. What I’d like you to take away from this post is that there are options available to every family to successfully transfer wealth, transition a business, and remain an intact family. These decisions do not have to end in pain.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

 

  • Empower the voice of the next generation.
  • Don’t expect a vote when you’re in “the room”.
  • Until you’re given a vote learn all you can.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 4, 2015
Comments Off on Expectations

Expectations

What is expected of you if you work for your family, or you inherit wealth?

 

Have you ever had a conversation with your parents about their expectations for you? What was it like? Did they just come out and tell you what they expected, and there was zero negotiation? Did they describe a wish for you? Maybe they were really vague and only insinuated some of their desires. We will touch on the importance of the method later, but for now the important question is what are their expectations and how do you interact around them?

In order to illustrate my question allow me to first apologize for my absence from posting for the past two weeks. My wife and I welcomed into the world our second child and I took some time away from work in order to be with my family and aide in our transition from a three-person household to a four-person household.   I knew that when this child was born there wouldn’t be any expectation that I hurry back to work, even though we’re in the middle of a massive system of work. My father knows that my family is my utmost priority. Needing to return to work immediately was never an expectation I had to adhere to. However, getting an MBA, working for an outside company, and being willing to talk business at almost any moment (including while you’re in the hospital visiting with friends and family after the birth of your second child) are all expectations that I have lived with. The first two we actively discussed, the third we didn’t.

I remember back in college talking with my dad about working with him one day, never as a true reality but just a hypothetical. He said he wouldn’t hire me right away even if I wanted to work with him. As he put it, I needed to work somewhere else to learn corporate discipline before I tried working in a fragmented industry. He was right; in my first job I learned how to answer to a hierarchy of bosses, I learned corporate politics, and I learned how to be a small cog in a big system. If I started working for him right away I would have adopted all of the his bad habits that he’s accumulated over the years, and to be honest some of them would have seriously hurt me professionally. The MBA was a conversation we had after I started working with him. He said it seemed like a good idea, and it was something he really wanted to see me pursue. In dad lingo that’s his way of saying: “hey you’re getting an MBA.” I chose the school and style of program I wanted to pursue, but he was involved in the approval process to be sure I was getting what I needed from the degree. Finally, we never discussed the expectation that we could and would discuss business matters at any moment, it just happened. My dad and I don’t see one another very often, so when we do see one another we try and catch up on anything that needs to be settled in person. We have had work conversations in the hospital, at family dinners in restaurants, and even at my brother’s bachelor party. In this regard we have not done a great job creating boundaries around certain events, and this should have been a point of discussion from the beginning.

So why bring all of this up, what’s the point? The point is that unless you have a conversation about expectations at some point someone is going to violate what you expected and there is a place for friction and resentment to grow. If you’re dad expects you to arrive at work every day at 7, and you show up at 9 with the rest of the staff, in his mind you’re late to work everyday. All of the sudden he sees you as always being late to everything and has now created an attribution for you. That sounds absurd to some, but it’s happened with families that don’t communicate well. If your parents aren’t going to have a conversation about expectations prior to you working in the family business, or before you inherit a large sum of money then you need to initiate the conversation.

I mentioned earlier that we would get to the how your parents communicate expectations. This topic will be explored in great depth in a separate blog, but in this moment we have to talk about communication styles and principles. More often than not, when a child enters the family business or they’re given a large sum of money the parents TELL their kids what they want to see happen. This has several outcomes. The first is an inflexible linear pathway. If a discussion were opened around the expectations, perhaps multiple alternatives could be explored and a greater degree of performance achieved. The second outcome is possible resentment. Children seem to be born to resent their parents for something, and being told what to do and how to do it is typically a list topper. But there is a sure fire way to manage the communication environment; if you as the child initiate the conversation, you’ve already won points by showing you can take initiative for serious matters. You also have the opportunity to dictate the flow of conversation, and if you lead with questions like: “What is your wish?” “What is your optimal outcome?” and “Is our current path leading to that optimal outcome?” then you can get at the heart of real insightful concerns for your parents. You have also allowed yourself to avoid any personal resentment.

The purpose of this post is to start a dialogue. I can honestly tell you it’s so sad to see families arguing over personal items that actually could have been avoided with a transparent conversation around expectations. This conversation should always be focused on wishes and opportunities, and never on fears or worst-case scenarios. If you plan through fear all you will get is exactly what you’re afraid of. But if you plan through wishes, you will get what you hope for. My wish for anyone that reads this blog that you will be able to have conversations around wish and opportunity, and hopefully avoid some dangerous pitfalls as you enter your family business, or receive a large amount of money. Both situations have the potential for incredible success and family closeness, or disastrous splitting and cutting off. Hopefully you will work to achieve the former.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • If the conversation hasn’t been had about your parent’s expectations, it’s time for you to initiate.
  • Lead with questions; ask multi-level questions that get deeper each time to get to the heart of your parent’s fears and concerns.
  • Always stay focused on wishes and opportunities
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| January 7, 2015
Comments Off on Peership

Peership

Learning to engage your parents as a peer

The concept of Peership seems like gibberish and as I define it, it will seem unattainable to some readers. Peership is the relationship process where two individuals that are not technically peers (typically parents and children) learn to act and eventually function as peers. This concept to some seems totally foreign, you know where you stand with your parents and you are not a peer. Others are thinking, easy peasy, I got this, no problem, my parents are like my best friends and we communicate perfectly.

I can tell you from personal experience that for those who view this concept as unattainable there’s a solution for you, and for anyone that thinks they already have it together there’s always more to learn. Let me start first with those that think I’m bringing a concept from Mars; peership is hard to achieve and takes a lot of work. In fact in order to achieve a peership relationship you and your counterpart, have to both work as hard as you’ve worked towards anything else in your life. I have a peership relationship with my father, but it has taken us roughly 20 years to get there. My mother on the other hand thinks the concept of peership is “hogwash”; parents and children should always function as parents and children. She will never stop being my mother according to her. Her point is valid; at one level she will not stop being my mom. On another level though your parents should not treat you the same when you’re 5, 13, 18, 25, 30, 45, and 50 the relationship has to evolve and sometimes unfortunately they don’t.

I think in some ways my father and I working together has fast tracked our peership relationship, but even going into our professional agreement we were talking and treating one another with the mutual respect of peers. The conversations we’re capable of having as a father and son have baffled many people we’ve worked with. Even though we’ve managed to make this transition for the most part successfully we are still not perfect and require constant work on our relationship. This weekend for example we have a conversation scheduled to discuss his mentoring successes and failures towards me, our future working relationship, and future strategies for my business model and how it will impact his work. I know going into this conversation that we’ll walk out with a mutual understanding and a future game plan that we both agree on. I KNOW this, not I hope for this, or I wish for this, I KNOW 100% that our conversation will be a success for both of us. I know this because we have worked very hard on our relationship and our communication. He can give me feedback and stop me when I start to get overbearing and dogmatic. I can give him feedback and stop him when he gets dismissive and controlling. I can honestly say of the relationships where I don’t view myself as a peer, or I’m not viewed as a peer the only outcome I can predict is a negative one, other than that everything is an unknown.

The future posts here will describe in greater detail the ways that you achieve a peership relationship with the family that you work with. Practical application for today is simply this: if you want to be treated as a peer start acting like a peer.   Think of a hypothetical situation for a moment. If you’re working for your dad and you’re not being treated as a peer (according to you) have you done the things necessary to command the respect that comes with being a peer? Do you show up late? Do you dress professionally, and not professionally for Justin Bieber I mean professionally for Warren Buffet? Do you complain when you’re given dirty work? Do you ever volunteer to do the dirty work? The reason why I list these questions is not because I know that this is the work ethic that every parent values, I ask these questions because these are things that anyone would do to get ahead in their job if they weren’t working for their parents. I cannot change my mother’s view of peership, or force her to treat me as a peer. But if I still act like a 12 year old boy asking her to do my laundry, schedule appointments for me, and tell me how to do everything then what choice does she have but to treat me like a 12 year old boy. Instead I choose to act like a grown man, I accept her advice based upon years of life experience and include that data with all other data I have collected to make my decisions. I treat my mother’s advice as if I were receiving it from a more seasoned friend and give it no more power over my life than that.

I cannot emphasize enough that the concept of peership is critical to your success working with your parents or anyone that has had cause to view you not as a peer in the past. In order to reach a peership relationship with someone you both will have to work incredibly hard. The work starts with you though, and your commitment to act like a peer. If you don’t know what that looks like just ask the person who you’re trying to have that type of relationship with. Identify a peer in their life and ask what that person has done to earn the respect of your desired peer relationship. Try to avoid the question of “what do I have to do to be a peer”, I think you’ll find the response could be dismissive. Instead try and model your behavior after someone you’ve seen be successful at becoming a peer, the relationship will start to evolve on it’s own from there.

Best of Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Peership takes a lot of work and effort from both parties
  • Peership requires constant communication and honesty to maintain a high level of mutual respect
  • If you want to be treated like a peer, start by acting like a peer
Category: Communication, Family Dynamics |