Archive for At Work

| May 13, 2015
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Walk a Mile Both Ways

Comparing your parent’s start to your own

 

*Note this post is intended primarily for the Next Generation Family Business Owner.

I can honestly say that upon reflection I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me a story where they walked a mile uphill both ways to work, or school, or wherever they were going. At this point I think the hyperbole in that anecdote is known to be just that. You may have had someone tell you this tale before, or not, but I’m sure if you’re thinking about entering your family business you’ve heard some story about how your parents, or grandparents, started that business and their story had elements of walking a mile uphill both ways. I know I’ve heard countless times the hard work, sacrifices, and challenges my parents faced while my dad was launching his career. Neither of my parents came from money, they both came from parents that have worked hard their entire lives. I have one grandpa that worked in a factory building farm equipment, another that drove a long haul truck for years. One of my grandmother’s families owned a potato chip factory, and she grew up working in that factory. My dad’s parents at one point were called to be missionaries in Guam and South Africa. I would be safe in saying that pretty much every penny that my family has they’ve earned through hard work.

My father got into college, as I’ve heard it told, because he was a very good hurdler for the track team. In high school, if memory serves, he was an average student typically pulling in B’s and C’s. However when he got to college he was determined to be a better student. He earned a BS in Psychology and immediately moved on to seminary at Gordon Conwell. Over the next few years my mom and dad would have four kids ages 6 and under by the time they were 30, they’d start three churches, and moved four different times to three different states with two different stops in Massachusetts. For whatever reason my father had decided to leave full time ministry and wanted to transition to some form of business. So they packed up the family, moved the six of us (and a new puppy) to Vermillion South Dakota where we’d remain for the next four years while dad completed his MBA and started his doctoral work. I recall stories from my mom about her walking through the grocery store with a calculator because she could only spend $40 to feed six people. I think at the time my dad was making $20,000, which even in the early 90’s was not a lot of money for a family of six. He must have done something right though, because after those four years, the Wharton School of Business hired him and we were moving again. The rest as they say is history.

Why do I bother to share any of these stories? What value could they possibly have for me today? Truth be told, they are an immense sense of pride for me. I am incredibly proud of both of my parents, for their solidarity, for their ability to grit their teeth, bear down, and work through tough times. I am proud that it seems to be an ancestral trait for my family. I am proud that they were able to make their own way like so many other families have had to do for years in this country, in my mind they are representative of the American dream. They worked their tails off so their kids could have more. I remember when I opened my first bank account at age 15. My mom took me because it was going to be a joint account between us. While sitting in the bank my mom was writing a check, it was the last student loan payment for my dad’s education. He graduated college in 1981, and in 2002 after a Bachelors degree, a Masters of Divinity, a Master of Business Administration, and a PhD they were paying off the last student loan. My reason for sharing any of this is not just my personal pride; my reason for sharing this is because it has value for how I determined to start my own life and my own business.

The next question I have to ask myself is; do I have to start the same way my parents did? Do they expect me to? I know that my parents didn’t want me to have to struggle the way they did. They helped pay for almost all of my education because they knew what it was like to pay for it all on their own and they know the value of a good education. At the same time though, while I’m in the early stages of my own business, while finishing my MBA with two kids and a wife, my father is quick to remind me that bootstrapping is a part of entrepreneurship and that at one point in time with two more kids and way more debt he was making $20,000. Knowing that your parents have walked a mile both ways uphill is valuable because you know it can be done, and if they could do it you can too. Your parents may want you to struggle a little bit as they did when you join the family business not because they are cruel, not because they are trying to pass the suffering on, and not even so they can “toughen” you up. You may need to learn the struggle for the same reason you need to learn failure. You need the struggles and the failures to develop resiliency against future struggles or future failures that will most likely be more significant than your present struggles. In some ways that sounds like just needing to toughen up, but it’s far less arbitrary than that. I love a quote from a recent article in the Economist. In the article Upsides: Old-fashioned Virtues they were looking at the family business Berry Bros. & Rudd’s. Mr. Berry said: “once you have survived the South Sea Bubble – a financial crisis in 1720 that caused the British economy to shrink by a quarter – you can see the 2008 recession in perspective.” I love this perspective.

My Berry didn’t live through the 1720 crisis, but his family did. The story became a part of their family legacy that inspired each generation to work hard as the previous generation, not for the sake of working hard, but to learn what it means to work hard. Is my life comfortable today, yes, in comparison to most of the world my life is a luxury. Are many of my peers making more money or living more comfortably than I am, yes. Am I living as uncomfortably as my parents, no. But I am challenged enough in my current life situation to understand what it means to overcome a challenge, to look failure in the face and know I can bounce back. I’m working today to prepare myself for tomorrow’s struggle. I know it doesn’t sound like fun, and I know parents can be annoying about what they expect, but more than likely they have a good reason.

My final point for this blog (sorry this is so long) is this. Knowing your parent’s story is important, accepting the requirements for your entering the family business is often easier said than done. I don’t want to say you have to blindly accept what they ask you to do, but in my experience, if you offer yourself up for mentorship and guidance from someone, you have to give yourself over to THEIR process. When I decided to enter the field of family business consulting and my dad and I started to talk about what my path would be, I was willing to accept whatever process he decided on. I read the books he recommended, I enrolled in an MBA when we talked about the value it could have for my career, and I’ve committed to not pay myself all that much while my business is in its infancy. None of those things have been easy, two out of the three have put significant pressure on my young family, but I willingly walk on this path of mentorship because I know what the hard work and sacrifice can produce. I know that because I know my family story, and the legacy of hard work. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey, and would strongly encourage anyone that is deciding or has decided to enter the family business to learn your family history, and give yourself over to the process.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Learn the history of your family and their business. The life lessons could be invaluable.
  • Give yourself over to the process and be willing to walk however many miles up however many hills you are asked to walk.
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Legacy, Personal Identity |
| April 29, 2015
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Boundaries

Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself

 

When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.

The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business.  They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.

In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you.   Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.

I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.

The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.

At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.

My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
  • Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
  • Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| April 22, 2015
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New Ideas

How to have your ideas heard and not ignored

This concept is near and dear to my heart.  In fact when I sat and started to think about topics I could write about this was one of the first to pop into my head.  I have a tendency to generate quite a good bit of new and often outlandish ideas.  I do this with such frequency that not only does my family mock me for my ideas, often even before presenting the idea, but my friends have started to as well.  I will be honest, a lot if not most of my ideas are ridiculous.  The ideas that I present that have merit, I don’t always present in the best manner and with the best supporting evidence.  More often than not I come with an idea that I’m very enthusiastic about, throw it out there and nothing happens.  This can begin to be frustrating from time to time but if I keep a few major points in mind I can help process myself through the frustration.

First, what is the venue for my presentation?  The classic new concept scene in any movie or TV show, is the two guys sketching the idea on the back of a cocktail napkin.  The next scene, may be them struggling to get an idea to concept in their garage or they may just be instantly successful.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that has started a business or launched a new concept in this manner.  This should also not be your presentation for your new idea.  On a regular basis I have a tough time getting face time with my dad, he is my primary sounding board for new ideas.  When I do get face time it’s typically at a family dinner when he’s popped in to town, limited moments between meetings with clients, or after a long day of bouncing from meeting to meeting and I’m the final appointment for him.  From the starting gate my idea doesn’t have a forum for success, so how could I be frustrated with a negative or dismissive response?  I have to start by framing an opportunity (a key component to conversation skills is framing the conversation).  I need to schedule time for face-to-face interaction with the knowledge that we’re discussing a new idea.  Some are saying, “this sounds ridiculous; why should I have to schedule time with my parents”?  Well, the fact is, your parents are probably busy for a reason.  Respect that fact, don’t try and fight that fact.  Learn to adapt to your situation; they don’t HAVE to listen to your idea but they will because they love you. 

Second, how am I presenting my idea?  Very rarely, in fact almost never, do I use formal tools for presenting new ideas. Meaning, I don’t use excel or power point.  However, the one time I did come armed with a spreadsheet I had one of my most productive conversations around a new idea ever.  The key was I wasn’t working in the abstract.  I had tangible data to have a dialogue about.  If you combine that with my framing of the opportunity, I was already ahead of where I have been in previous discussions.  I also didn’t start with: “let me tell you about this great idea I had.”  I started by asking some questions.  I led him to my idea before presenting my idea.  I asked him to describe his previous experience with the business model I was seeking to alter.  I already knew how he’d describe his experience because it was his discontent that served as the inspiration for my idea.  I just needed him think about all of the bad experiences he’d had in the past before I presented what I thought was the solution. 

Finally, what supporting evidence have I presented to validate my idea and ensure adoption?  Let’s get back to that spreadsheet I said I used earlier.  Anytime you are presenting a new idea, it is critical to have done exhaustive amounts of research and data mining.  Anyone that will be serious about helping you pursue the idea will have specific questions about the validity and feasibility of the idea.  You are in a much stronger position if you have already performed the due diligence and can answer their questions on the spot.  By doing so you are not only keeping them engaged in that moment, rather than needing to return to the conversation at a later date.  But you are also showing them that you have committed significant effort to the idea already and are more serious about this idea than the idea you presented over beers a few weeks ago.  You may have to leave and do further research, and you may be asked to develop your idea into a more formal presentation.  I promise you though, if you follow these three steps your chances of getting buy-in are almost 100%, as long as your idea isn’t to invent a space ship to go to Mars. 

I can empathize with anyone that has had idea after idea disregarded as outlandish gibberish as if you’re talking about sponsoring a hunt for Bigfoot.  Believe me I know how frustrating that is, especially if you actually have a good idea.  I remember once I tossed an idea my dad’s way and he totally dismissed it.  I simply paused and said: “dad, you didn’t ask me a single question about my idea, you just totally dismissed it.”  He was totally taken aback.  I wasn’t being rude, I was just calling him out on being dismissive, a trait he knows he exhibits with me at times.  The point here though is not that my dad was dismissive, it’s that if I’m owning my 100% of the situation, I need to present my ideas in better settings, in better ways, and with actual research because I’ve “cried wolf” too many times in the past.  I am putting all of the responsibility for the reception of new ideas on the next generation.  You have to learn to package concepts into a marketable format, and you have to start succeeding with selling your family before you can sell your customers. For lack of a better example, if you are presenting a new idea you are serious about, think of every person you present it to as Mark Cuban on Sharktank.  He is going to chew your idea up (and you) 100 times before committing to it.  If you aren’t prepared you will most likely leave without a deal. 

Good Luck

Practical Summary

  • Find the right venue for your presentation, frame the opportunity as a discussion for a new idea.
  • Lead with questions to guide your audience to your idea before you reveal your idea.
  •  Perform exhaustive research and come armed with data to support your concept.

 

Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| April 1, 2015
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Nepotism

The opportunity provided by your family name and how it is perceived

 

I said in my post last week that it was a three part series. The second part of three is on the term Nepotism. I also have to apologize to those inheritors of wealth; this post is geared more towards the Next Gen. Family Business crowd. By the very definition if you’ve been given a job because of your last name you are the subject of nepotism. The idea of nepotism carries a negative connotation, as if whoever was given that opportunity was not deserving of it. As I said last week there is a great deal of opportunity afforded to you because of the power of your family name, a job is certainly an opportunity. So how do you challenge the negative thoughts of nepotism that surrounds your presence in your family business? The short answer… you don’t. At the end of the day the only person you control is you, your thoughts, your actions, and your response vs. reactions. Today you may be viewed as a child of privilege that has been “handed” an opportunity, how you RESPOND to that assumption is how you’ll be perceived from now on.

The first step in combatting these perceptions is to not personalize them. More often than not the negative feelings one has towards a subject of nepotism is about them and not you. Their own feelings of inadequacy, or the perception that they’ve been overlooked within the organization can lead to hostile thoughts around any subject that validates their own feelings and perceptions. A concept we often talk about is the nature of white blood cells. The purpose of a white blood cell is to expel anything from the body that can harm the body, or that doesn’t belong. This happens in organizations as well, you will face a series of detractors because in their mind you threaten the status quo. Once again, these thoughts are out of your control. The only control you do have is to not become reactive and to respond without personalization. The statements I’m making about those around you that are thinking negative of you are assuming you actually deserve the job you’ve been given. If you are acting in a way that validates their perceptions such as showing up to work late, not delivering on tasks and goals, and assuming a level of authority above your current position, than you need to reconsider who is in the wrong here.

Second to not personalizing is actually seeking out the white blood cells around you and offering yourself up to their expertise. The concept will sound counterintuitive, but it is possible to lead by being mentored. Allowing yourself to be mentored by someone is validating their position, hard work, and knowledge. In addition to that you will learn nuances and perspectives about the company that you otherwise might have missed. Another key piece to this step is to “process out loud” and to re-process bad process”. Processing out loud is the act of walking someone through your mental process. By doing this you remove opportunity for the other person to draw false conclusions. If a detractor seems to base their opinion of you around a particular action you’re taking, walk them through your mental process. They will gain understanding of your thinking, and you open yourself up to be taught a different and possibly better process. Re-processing bad process is the reflective action of walking back through your steps in order to identify an area of error. This is useful in communication and in working habits. Communicatively you can re-process how you spoke to someone, and in doing so, say what you meant to say with a more appropriate tone and language. Re-processing procedures allows you to identify areas of improvement for the future.

The final step is simply to work hard. Remove doubt about the merit for which you received this position by working your tail off. Seek additional work before it’s passed to you, and seek opportunities that will serve the greater good rather than just yourself. If someone is going to make a coffee run, volunteer. You are seeking to remove the perception that you feel entitled to be there, and the perception that because you are the boss’ child that you are above anyone you work with. You will of course make mistakes; this doesn’t mean you’re incompetent and that you don’t deserve the job. But if you’ve practiced the first two steps you shouldn’t have a problem overcoming the perception that you were just given something you didn’t deserve.

I know this all sounds hard, I didn’t share any specific stories in this post but every aspect of this concept I’ve experienced first hand. I can’t tell you how many frustrating moments I’ve had, and the panic and anxiety that has torn at me because I’m thinking about how I’m perceived. At the end of the day all you have control over is you, you may try every measure I suggested here today and still make no movement with the people around you. I’m encouraging you to keep trying though, start by befriending your biggest detractor and see what impact you can have.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • How do you combat Nepotism, you don’t. You can only control yourself not others, don’t personalize.
  • Seek mentorship and guidance from “white blood cells”. Process out loud and reprocess bad process
  • Work hard; seek opportunities to serve the greater good. Ask for additional work.
Category: At Work |
| March 11, 2015
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Voice Not Vote

Empowering the Next Generation to learn how to use their voice without expecting a vote

 

This concept probably should have been my first post because it is where I draw the title of the blog from, but some of those early concepts I thought were more important for people to think about prior to this one. In addition to that there is a conceptual flow that I’m following and now would be an appropriate time to explore the concept of Voice Not Vote.

The title of the blog is not to connote the idea that I want to Next Generation to rise up in protest and find their voice. I am in no way suggesting that the concepts of this blog are a battle between the young and old, and the next generation needs to find their voice in that battle. Actually the concept of Voice Not Vote is an empowerment offered by the senior generation to the next generation. We encourage the senior generation to offer the next generation a voice in decision making for the family, the business, or wealth transfers but not a vote. If you recall the Entitlement blog, my father gave my brother a voice around ownership of their business venture, but ultimately the vote belonged to my father because he owned the capital. There are multiple nuances at play for when a person get’s a vote, but we should explore first the need for a voice.

Let’s look at an analogy for a moment. Say you have a father and son driving in the car together; they drive together every day all day but the father always drives. The son has never driven the car; in fact he’s never driven any car because his father has always insisted on driving. Not only has the son never driven, but also the father doesn’t tolerate a backseat driver so he accepts no input from the son. One day the father says to the son: “I’m tired of driving, it’s your turn now.” The father hands the son the keys and simply wishes him well. Would you feel safe driving on the roads knowing this son was out there operating a vehicle…probably not. Interestingly enough, we’re not fine driving on the road with this person, but more often than not family businesses transfer from one generation to the next in this exact fashion.

In some ways this is a post for both generations. I’m not trying to upset the hierarchy of your household, so please don’t show this to your parents and say: “ha, I told you someone else thinks you need to listen to me.” What I’m saying here is that we have seen repeatedly this concept provide families with less anxiety, closer relationships, more productive dialogue, and a smoother transition of business or transfer of wealth. Recently my dad sent an email to the four of us (his kids) asking for time to do a conference call. None of us knew the topic (a conference call for our family is not weird) but we were all intrigued why he’d want to talk now. He was calling to discuss his estate because he had just started his estate planning. He wasn’t asking us what we wanted to inherit or even necessarily how we wanted to inherit things. He simply opened the conversation up to us to gather our opinions. The collective opinion was simply: “Dad we are grateful you’d even consider us, it’s your stuff and none of us expects anything in anyway, do what you want.” Now before you assume that our family is the Brady Bunch because our dad is a family business specialist that deals with family conflict on the regular, let me just tell you we are more like the Osbornes than the Brady Bunch. I tell this story to illustrate how a senior generation can invite the next generation into the conversation. My dad could have just told his attorney exactly how he wanted things to work, and on the day of his death we would find out how his estate transferred. But in that scenario, where is the opportunity for dialogue to promote closeness, and where is the opportunity for the four kids to learn how to plan an estate? Also in our family conversation my dad got to learn about his own children, the way we think, and our expectations around any inheritance we would ever see. Without a dialogue none of that information is unearthed.

For the next generation, once you’ve been given a voice don’t suddenly expect a vote. You MUST act with humility and grace; you have been given an opportunity to learn from your parents. You have been given an opportunity to grow closer to your parents. You have been given an opportunity to be heard and contribute value to the conversation. Do not take this for granted. I can remember growing up getting frustrated with every level of my education. I hated being treated like a child and still do. I remember the amazing feeling to have an adult value my opinion, to actually ask me what I thought. It didn’t mean they were going to do exactly what I said, but it was a data point they wanted to collect to inform their decision. That’s all your voice is here, but your voice is still an incredibly valuable piece of information.

Finally, I said you have an opportunity to learn from your parents. You’ve been given a voice, you’re allowed to be in the room to hear everything your parents hear. But you also get to watch them act. You get to ask questions about why they made THAT decision instead of doing something else. All I can say for the stage where you only get a voice is to learn EVERYTHING you possibly can from your parents. Some things will be valuable; others may dictate how you don’t act in the future. Either way learn all you can while you can. This concept of getting a voice and not a vote, like all of our concepts is a tricky skill based sport with a high potential for error. I don’t want anyone to read what I’m saying and to use this as a guidebook for how to transfer their family business or their wealth. All I want is for these concepts to raise conversation points. Next week we’ll deal with Communication, and how to communicate. What I’d like you to take away from this post is that there are options available to every family to successfully transfer wealth, transition a business, and remain an intact family. These decisions do not have to end in pain.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

 

  • Empower the voice of the next generation.
  • Don’t expect a vote when you’re in “the room”.
  • Until you’re given a vote learn all you can.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| March 4, 2015
Comments Off on Expectations

Expectations

What is expected of you if you work for your family, or you inherit wealth?

 

Have you ever had a conversation with your parents about their expectations for you? What was it like? Did they just come out and tell you what they expected, and there was zero negotiation? Did they describe a wish for you? Maybe they were really vague and only insinuated some of their desires. We will touch on the importance of the method later, but for now the important question is what are their expectations and how do you interact around them?

In order to illustrate my question allow me to first apologize for my absence from posting for the past two weeks. My wife and I welcomed into the world our second child and I took some time away from work in order to be with my family and aide in our transition from a three-person household to a four-person household.   I knew that when this child was born there wouldn’t be any expectation that I hurry back to work, even though we’re in the middle of a massive system of work. My father knows that my family is my utmost priority. Needing to return to work immediately was never an expectation I had to adhere to. However, getting an MBA, working for an outside company, and being willing to talk business at almost any moment (including while you’re in the hospital visiting with friends and family after the birth of your second child) are all expectations that I have lived with. The first two we actively discussed, the third we didn’t.

I remember back in college talking with my dad about working with him one day, never as a true reality but just a hypothetical. He said he wouldn’t hire me right away even if I wanted to work with him. As he put it, I needed to work somewhere else to learn corporate discipline before I tried working in a fragmented industry. He was right; in my first job I learned how to answer to a hierarchy of bosses, I learned corporate politics, and I learned how to be a small cog in a big system. If I started working for him right away I would have adopted all of the his bad habits that he’s accumulated over the years, and to be honest some of them would have seriously hurt me professionally. The MBA was a conversation we had after I started working with him. He said it seemed like a good idea, and it was something he really wanted to see me pursue. In dad lingo that’s his way of saying: “hey you’re getting an MBA.” I chose the school and style of program I wanted to pursue, but he was involved in the approval process to be sure I was getting what I needed from the degree. Finally, we never discussed the expectation that we could and would discuss business matters at any moment, it just happened. My dad and I don’t see one another very often, so when we do see one another we try and catch up on anything that needs to be settled in person. We have had work conversations in the hospital, at family dinners in restaurants, and even at my brother’s bachelor party. In this regard we have not done a great job creating boundaries around certain events, and this should have been a point of discussion from the beginning.

So why bring all of this up, what’s the point? The point is that unless you have a conversation about expectations at some point someone is going to violate what you expected and there is a place for friction and resentment to grow. If you’re dad expects you to arrive at work every day at 7, and you show up at 9 with the rest of the staff, in his mind you’re late to work everyday. All of the sudden he sees you as always being late to everything and has now created an attribution for you. That sounds absurd to some, but it’s happened with families that don’t communicate well. If your parents aren’t going to have a conversation about expectations prior to you working in the family business, or before you inherit a large sum of money then you need to initiate the conversation.

I mentioned earlier that we would get to the how your parents communicate expectations. This topic will be explored in great depth in a separate blog, but in this moment we have to talk about communication styles and principles. More often than not, when a child enters the family business or they’re given a large sum of money the parents TELL their kids what they want to see happen. This has several outcomes. The first is an inflexible linear pathway. If a discussion were opened around the expectations, perhaps multiple alternatives could be explored and a greater degree of performance achieved. The second outcome is possible resentment. Children seem to be born to resent their parents for something, and being told what to do and how to do it is typically a list topper. But there is a sure fire way to manage the communication environment; if you as the child initiate the conversation, you’ve already won points by showing you can take initiative for serious matters. You also have the opportunity to dictate the flow of conversation, and if you lead with questions like: “What is your wish?” “What is your optimal outcome?” and “Is our current path leading to that optimal outcome?” then you can get at the heart of real insightful concerns for your parents. You have also allowed yourself to avoid any personal resentment.

The purpose of this post is to start a dialogue. I can honestly tell you it’s so sad to see families arguing over personal items that actually could have been avoided with a transparent conversation around expectations. This conversation should always be focused on wishes and opportunities, and never on fears or worst-case scenarios. If you plan through fear all you will get is exactly what you’re afraid of. But if you plan through wishes, you will get what you hope for. My wish for anyone that reads this blog that you will be able to have conversations around wish and opportunity, and hopefully avoid some dangerous pitfalls as you enter your family business, or receive a large amount of money. Both situations have the potential for incredible success and family closeness, or disastrous splitting and cutting off. Hopefully you will work to achieve the former.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • If the conversation hasn’t been had about your parent’s expectations, it’s time for you to initiate.
  • Lead with questions; ask multi-level questions that get deeper each time to get to the heart of your parent’s fears and concerns.
  • Always stay focused on wishes and opportunities
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| February 11, 2015
Comments Off on Entitlement

Entitlement

The internal tension between what you think you deserve and what you actually deserve

 

If you read the previous blog post you can imagine where I stand on the issue of entitlement. I am going to try and not sound too harsh with this post but this subject is very important and one that I’m impassioned about. All too often I get into conversations with next generation family business owners or future inheritors of wealth and they are constantly talking about what is owed to them and they are talking about the terms that they think they deserve. On the flip side I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count the amount of parents that have created terrible family environments because of the fear that they have around their children becoming entitled. So the message I have here today is for the next generation business owners and future inheritors of wealth on how to not be entitled and how to put your parent’s fears to bed.

The first thing I’d say is adopt the idea of merit being the basis for everything. Just like last weeks post this should be something you internalize. You deserve nothing, you get only what you earn. You may receive a bit more than you truly deserve because your last name is Smith or Johnson, but that is all just gravy. I suppose this point is for parents as well, your son or daughter should not be given the keys to the kingdom just because they are your son or daughter. Assess, or better yet have an objective party assess their skills and the merits for which they should be promoted. This concept becomes tricky when you aren’t dealing with a family business transfer, but simply a transfer of wealth. In that case I’d suggest to the parents to start a transparent conversation around why the family has wealth, what the money is intended for, and what your wish is for your kids surrounding that money. Hiding the fact that you have money and that will one day it will transfer to them, or withholding it for a long period of time will only breed distrust. The conversation though, will open up a forum for discussion that will inform your children about the wealth legacy you hope to leave. This is a powerful conversation that significantly diminishes the probability of entitlement.

The second reminder I have for the next generation is this: you don’t set the terms. For whatever reason my generation is rampant (I’m guilty as well) with young people that think they get to set the terms of negotiation. Honestly, who do we really think we are? Personally I think we see stars of our generation achieving success so early that we in turn think WE are special. That sounds a bit harsh, but the truth of it is when you think about what you’ve gotten away with in your lifetime thus far, wouldn’t you say you’ve been a bit bold? I know I have. I recall, and hopefully he won’t be upset with me sharing this, when my brother was attempting to start a new venture with my dad. My dad, being my dad, had a very pointed conversation with my brother about ownership before they even started. He asked my brother if any of his siblings would have any rights to ownership; my brother’s response was what anyone would have answered…No. He was doing all of the work; it was his idea, why in the world should his siblings reap the benefits? My dad’s response was simply, who is supplying the capital? My dad was, so he got to set the terms. If he wanted to make his portion of ownership a part of his estate, and the four of his children had equal claims to his estate then my brother should have been prepared to have three partners some way down the line.

I don’t share this story to embarrass or ridicule my brother; honestly I would have answered the question the exact same way. But my dad was right, it was his money and my brother had no entitlement to it, so my dad got to set the terms. I use this story to illustrate the point that even in a family that does not come from or have a lot of money, entitlement can still creep in. This story also is intended to illustrate that the person who is supplying the capital sets the terms, vary rarely is that the next generation.

The final point is this; if you want to work on placating your parent’s fears about you being entitled, just work. I mean really work hard. Work as if this is the job you were born to do. Don’t do it because they expect you to, and don’t do it because you know they want you to. Work hard and long because at the end of the day you’ll know you earned every dollar you made. You will remove any doubt about your intentions for the family business, or your intentions surrounding the money you may inherit. Work as if you don’t need what they are willing to give you because you would make it on your own. Don’t talk about how you’re not entitled; show them.

I’m hoping that at the end of this post I wasn’t too harsh, I can empathize with the feelings of entitlement because it’s something I battle against all the time. I challenge myself to go the extra mile always, and I never want to be handed anything, I want to earn it. My hope is that with this message you can see more clearly the fears your parents have, and how you can positively change their perspective with your own actions.

Best of Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Merit is the basis for everything.
  • You don’t set the terms.
  • Work to placate your parent’s fears, by working.
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Legacy |
| January 21, 2015
Comments Off on Parents in a new context

Parents in a new context

Viewing your parents through the world’s eyes

 

Do you remember when you were a kid and the way you looked at your parents? Your dad maybe was the strongest man in the world, invincible. Your mom could make anything delicious and no matter how badly you got hurt she made everything better. Slowly but surely as you grew up you may have become disillusioned to the mystique your parents possessed in your life. Perhaps even as you got older you began to grow annoyed at the little things your parents would or would not do.

Personally when I was a teenager I grew exhausted with my dad’s incessant life lessons and coaching when I didn’t ask for it. His apparent need to share the details of my life with random people as if he had no care for my feelings what so ever or the embarrassment he caused. As kids we laughed at him when we’d get lost in the car and he’d say: “we’re not lost we’re just meandering our way there”. Despite the perception that he had at home it never occurred to me to think about how he was perceived in his professional life.

Allow me for a moment to provide a little back-story. My dad is a former Presbyterian minister; he eventually transitioned from this line of work into an educational and consultative role where he worked with family businesses. When we were kids we were all for the most part too young to ever really see him preach, all we ever heard was that he was incredibly long winded. Only two of us ever really got to see him teach, my sister and I had the pleasure to take an elective course that he guest taught while we were in college.

I’ve said in a previous blog post that when I transitioned into this field the first articles I read my dad was cited eight different times. What I came to find out is that in my dad’s professional world he wasn’t a joke, or a family punch line. In fact people paid him for those life lessons I’d been receiving for free, and the stories he was telling about my life were a means to convey his personal trials as a parent to the families he worked with. In all honesty I never saw the man my dad truly was until I started working with him and watched him teach his graduate students. I sat in the back of a classroom captivated by the person in front of me, I couldn’t stop smiling. This wasn’t the same man at all that raised me, this man had a presence about him, this man was eloquent, and every word this man said was respected.

I saw my dad in a new context, I saw my dad on his stage and in his world. Some parents allow their kids to only see one side of them, some kids just get dad; sadly other kids only get the CEO or President. My challenge is to any kid that only ever saw dad, try as hard as you can to experience your parents in their other context. Revel in the experience and take in their presence as if you’re that little kid again and everything they do is magnificent and new. You may get the rare opportunity to see a wild animal in their natural habitat; it can be truly exhilarating.

I hope that I get the opportunity to continue doing this line of work forever. But if for some odd reason I was forced to change careers tomorrow, the few years that I’ve had to watch my dad work on his professional stage have been worth their weight in gold. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse into his life that was missing before this time. I cannot encourage you enough to open that door with an open mind and the same sense of wonderment you one possessed.

Enjoy

 

Productive Summary

 

  • Remember that how you see your mom or dad may not be how their professional world sees them.
  • Seek out opportunities to see them in another context, specifically as you may start working with them.
  • Enjoy the new side of them you see, get excited to alter the course of your relationship as you connect on a different level or in a new way
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| January 14, 2015
Comments Off on Degrees of Entrepreneurial Flexibility

Degrees of Entrepreneurial Flexibility

Balancing Personal and Professional Choices

 

After starting with decision and then exploring peership it was tough to decide which topic to cover next. I thought that if you have now decided to dive into the family business or even if you didn’t it might be a good idea to explore Degrees of Entrepreneurial Flexibility. This topic is actually one of my favorites because it is one that I’ve had many comical interactions with. I haven’t mentioned yet that my current business venture is not my first attempt to be an entrepreneur. At one time I attempted to start a construction management company; obviously I was not successful. At the outset of the project my dad was acting as an advisor and he was kind enough to have a very direct and honest conversation with me. The conversation we had was concerning degrees of entrepreneurial flexibility.

He said that if you dive into a new venture you have to consider how you limit your degrees of entrepreneurial flexibility. If you decided to get married, that’s a limitation. If you decide to buy a house, that’s a limitation. If you decide to get a dog, that’s a limitation. If you decide to have kids, that’s a limitation. He wasn’t saying don’t do any of those things just remember that each responsibility you add to your life is another thing you’re putting on the line with your new venture. You see at that point in my life I was a year out of college, I quickly paid of my debt, got engaged, got married, bought a car, bought a house, and got a dog. He was a dad and a smart business mind watching me make two paths of decisions and at some point I would come to a crossroad. In that moment I had to be prepared for the fact that what I wanted professionally may not be possible because of what I had decided personally and I might have to give something up. Thankfully that wasn’t my moment to be a wildly successful entrepreneur and I didn’t have to make that hard decision.

I’m not saying, like my dad wasn’t saying; don’t put your life on hold in order to take a leap for your career. The message here is to remember to enter each stage of life and each major decision with honest expectations. Imagine for a moment my business did start to take off, but the only place I could get the money to make that dream happen was to sell my house. If my wife isn’t okay with selling the house then I’ve got a pretty big problem don’t I? Monitoring your degrees of entrepreneurial flexibility in life will always be important, learn to weigh your options both personally and professionally. This might seem obvious to some but to others like me that believe they can always have their cake and eat it too it is an important life lesson.

 

Practical Summary

 

  • Listen to your elders with gracious humility, they have more years of experience than you could ever buy
  • Don’t be afraid to take a professional leap, just make sure your expectations are in line with your choices
Category: At Work, Personal Identity |