My deepest apologies. I have to take a temporary leave of absence from writing for the moment. I will return again soon.
Best Regards
Jonathan
Individuality – Part 2
Explore new opportunities to start creating your own legacy while sustaining your family legacy
I must first apologize for the delay in getting Part II posted. I just finished up my MBA and had a great deal of final coursework to deliver. If you recall from the previous post I broke individuality into two parts. The first of which was to Be Yourself, acknowledging that you may be similar to your parents but you are unique in your own way. The second part is Blaze a New Path. Before we dive in I must qualify these two posts with this statement, I am in no way suggesting that you should ignore your past, or your connection to your family. I personally believe that our history, especially our family history, plays a major role in defining who we are as individuals.
The first component of Blazing a New Path, as I see it, is the idea of a Family Business vs. a Family Enterprise. In addition to the business aspect there is the concept of wealth as an opportunity. The two principles align more or less at their core function. Starting with the family business, many families become attached to the physical business or industry in which their predecessors have worked hard to cultivate. There is certainly nothing wrong with remaining loyal to your family’s original business, but there are other opportunities that exist for you to explore, something that you could put your mark on as an entrepreneur or an innovator. To be a family enterprise is to view the family ownership group as an enterprise that invests and operates in several different businesses or industries. For example, if a family owns a real estate business founded by their father, as the business passes to the next generation perhaps they start a series of businesses that compliment their real estate business. Pretty soon the family ownership group expands into another generation, along with success in those aligning industries. Soon after you could have an enterprise that involves real estate development, management, leasing, general contractors, building material supply company, etc. I think you can start to get the picture. In the spirit of diversifying your portfolio you could explore totally different industries, so that in the event of another recession like 2008 a major real estate bubble wouldn’t cripple your entire enterprise.
When thinking about wealth as an opportunity I think of money in this context as a vehicle to invest in many different industries. Many of the families we encounter struggle with the concept of selling their business; they like being a family business and are worried that if they sell out they will lose that part of their individual and family identity. On the contrary, I would say you’ve just closed one book only to start writing a new one. The world is your oyster so to speak; all of the hard work to become an integrated and professional family ownership group can be applied to new forms of investment. The wealth that you’ve generated through the sale of a business or through inheritance can be used as a liquid asset for investment; this is an exciting time period for you because the canvas is totally blank.
These two alternate pathways is why I encourage young people we work with to cultivate personal interests. Personally I wish I read more books, I admire historical figures when they’re described as being vivacious readers such a Theodore Roosevelt. By reading you are learning something and opening your mind up to exploration. The personal interests you cultivate will serve as the foundation for your future enterprise. I have a personal interest in clean water projects, water sustainability, and education. I am saddened whenever I read about places where clean water is so scarce people will literally walk miles to collect some to bring back to their families. Or that in some places 80% of diseases that are treated are due to water born illnesses. I am also terrified with the over consumption of water, and the fact that our most sacred resource on the planet is not oil but water. Finally, I have been given the gift of education and I desire in life to pay that forward. So if I suddenly found myself very wealthy, or my business had a surplus of capital, I’d probably invest in one of those areas that are special to me. You will cultivate your own interests if you already haven’t, and in so doing you are opening your family enterprise up to a whole new world of opportunities.
The final point of discussion centers on the question that probably is starting to creep into your mind. How do we make this all happen? I don’t have all of the answers, and quite frankly there is no ONE right answer. Your family has a specific set of circumstances that will dictate some of the paths you would take. The first place I’d start if I were in your shoes is with a conversation. I know it sounds cheesy, and in some ways even a conversation might seem impossible. But the best way to launch into a new enterprise is to start talking about it. If you recall I also had a post a few weeks ago about how to pitch new ideas. If you’re a lot younger you can explore the idea of parallel pathways with your parents. You and your parents can design a parallel universe that mirrors your experience starting a new enterprise, or owning the family business. During your time on that parallel pathway you will want to design a series of experiences that will develop the competencies necessary to work in a “live environment”. An easy and very minor example of this is to have your parents give you a budget, and you and your siblings design and plan the family vacation this summer. This exercise will teach you compromise, negotiation skills, planning, logistics, and how to work on a budget. There are a lot of different options and examples of things families have tried, but the ultimate purpose is for you to experiment with your competencies in a “safe” environment, meaning a failure won’t result in loss of jobs or significant capital loss.
The core value of the Blaze a New Path concept is that often the next generation believes they’ve missed out on an opportunity to make something of their own, or to create something from nothing the way their parents did. In truth though, each succeeding generation has the opportunity to generate just as much from nothing, in a sense, than the previous one did. The next generation just has the luxury of a pool of resources that maybe their parents didn’t have, and that’s a good thing not a bad thing.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- View your family as an enterprise, not a business or a pool of money. This opens your perspective to opportunities for growth and exploration.
- Develop personal interests; this will be your guide to future industries or enterprises you might invest in.
- Start with conversations, and then explore a parallel pathway/universe to develop your competencies prior to going “live”
Category: Legacy, Personal Identity |
Individuality – Part 1
You come from your parents, does that mean you are your parents?
I cannot recall if I’ve mentioned this before, but if you were to stand my father and I together we would look like twins born 20 years apart (although he’s much taller). There was a time recently when we were riding in the car together, and my wife called me over the Bluetooth in my car. At one point my dad was talking and she legitimately thought she as speaking to me. In addition to looking and sounding similarly, we have similar mannerisms and our personalities are pretty comparable. Despite a number of overwhelming similarities, including our occupational choices, we are still exceptionally different people.
There are at least two differentiating factors between us; the first is that I am only part my father, the other part of me is also my mother. My father and I have similar energies, especially when talking about new ideas. My mother and I though, share very distinct passionate behavioral traits. We are fiercely loyal, overprotective of our loved ones, and both classic self-sacrificers often to our own detriment. I’m not saying my father isn’t any of these things, but I’d identify those characteristics in myself as distinctly MOM. The second factor that differentiates my father and I is that we were raised in very different homes with very different parents. My family growing up was very conservative by today’s standards, but incredibly liberal in comparison to my father’s household growing up. In this same way even though we have the same parents I am also not like my siblings, and neither are you. Even if you were born as a twin, your parents still interacted with you differently. Perhaps mom and dad took turns caring for you and your twin, but by the first month mom clearly had a better rapport with one and vice versa for dad. Out of necessity for sleep and limiting the noise pollution they probably held whichever baby felt more comfortable with them, thus changing the dynamics of your upbringing.
My siblings and I were born very close together, but the two oldest were born in different states than one another, and different my younger sister and I. Not to mention each kid went through major development milestones in different life stages for our family. Finally, the classic scenario from psych 101 is the birth order of the children. Even though my family, by many definitions, has three first born children, Grant was still born almost two years prior to Meredith, and four years prior to me, and six years prior to Natalie. By the time Natalie came along my parents, as parents, were on autopilot. As a recent father of a second child I can tell you from personal experience that the second child definitely doesn’t get nearly as much attention as the first. I may have an entire external hard drive of pictures of my first kid, and maybe half a cell phone of my second. This isn’t to say I love my second child any less than my first, but that first kid is such a new experience you have to capture everything. Also you have way more time to capture those moments as opposed to your experience with your second kid onward.
So what value does this entire rambling have to you? Other than a fun glimpse into my family dynamics the important point here is that whether you’re entering your family business, or inheriting wealth, you will be compelled whether by feeling or outside council to do things just as your parents have before you, and theirs before them. People will expect you to think the same, act the same, respond the same to the same stimulus, and most shockingly to lead the same. However, and I cannot say this emphatically enough: YOU ARE NOT THE SAME. You can be just as capable of running the company, or growing your wealth, but you will do it your way. Your way may seem like their way, but it’s not. The reason I keep hammering this point home is that I want everyone to feel free to explore their own competencies and learn to make and live by their own decisions. At some point you’ll have to make all of your own decisions anyway, because your parents will be gone, so why not start now when you can have an open dialogue about them with your parents and learn from your successes and failures.
The exciting opportunity that this exploration process opens up is you could find an area where you are excellent and they are not. Finding those competencies then learning to grow and harness them is an important part of becoming a leader in a family business or sustaining your wealth. You may also find that there are areas of competency that you are lacking; in this case you have two choices. You could either stress over the establishment or enhancement of that competency, or you could explore building teams of people around you that can compensate in an area where you are lacking. There is no shame in finding people to help you; no one truly makes it all on their own. The shameful part happens when you are too stubborn to realize you need help, and you assume that just because you and your parent or parents are so similar that you can do anything they can do. Maybe you can, and maybe you can do things better, but how can you know if you don’t start the exploration now. Why wait for tomorrow when they are gone and the comparisons and learning opportunities are gone with them.
One final point I think is important to recognize, I am not calling on the next generation to discount or ignore the expertise of your parents; quite the opposite. I am also not saying that you should avoid behavioral traits or characteristics that are consistent within your parents as well; again quite the opposite. I’m trying to encourage you to find your own style, and it could be that your style or your passions are similar to theirs…Great. But if they aren’t, and if you are different or think differently explore that as well. I personally love being compared to my parents, or even my siblings. I love my family, I think my family members are fun people and have a lot of interesting and great characteristics about them. But as much as I love the comparisons, I also like to be Jonathan. Jonathan is not always like Tim, and he is not always like Linda, and more often than not he’s very different from Grant, Meredith, and Natalie. I have to find my own sense of individuality and harness it to make my business and my family better and more well rounded. You should start the same exploration process as well. Start to think about the things that make you unique, your passions that keep ticking and explore them. Find pride in your family dynamics and your family identity, but learn to develop your self as well.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Having similar traits can be fun, but learn to establish your own individuality.
- Build your own capabilities and competencies. One day you will have to rely on them.
- Don’t be afraid to look outside of yourself to compensate for areas where you are different from your parents. Teams are fantastic options for accomplishing tasks.
Category: Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
Walk a Mile Both Ways
Comparing your parent’s start to your own
*Note this post is intended primarily for the Next Generation Family Business Owner.
I can honestly say that upon reflection I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me a story where they walked a mile uphill both ways to work, or school, or wherever they were going. At this point I think the hyperbole in that anecdote is known to be just that. You may have had someone tell you this tale before, or not, but I’m sure if you’re thinking about entering your family business you’ve heard some story about how your parents, or grandparents, started that business and their story had elements of walking a mile uphill both ways. I know I’ve heard countless times the hard work, sacrifices, and challenges my parents faced while my dad was launching his career. Neither of my parents came from money, they both came from parents that have worked hard their entire lives. I have one grandpa that worked in a factory building farm equipment, another that drove a long haul truck for years. One of my grandmother’s families owned a potato chip factory, and she grew up working in that factory. My dad’s parents at one point were called to be missionaries in Guam and South Africa. I would be safe in saying that pretty much every penny that my family has they’ve earned through hard work.
My father got into college, as I’ve heard it told, because he was a very good hurdler for the track team. In high school, if memory serves, he was an average student typically pulling in B’s and C’s. However when he got to college he was determined to be a better student. He earned a BS in Psychology and immediately moved on to seminary at Gordon Conwell. Over the next few years my mom and dad would have four kids ages 6 and under by the time they were 30, they’d start three churches, and moved four different times to three different states with two different stops in Massachusetts. For whatever reason my father had decided to leave full time ministry and wanted to transition to some form of business. So they packed up the family, moved the six of us (and a new puppy) to Vermillion South Dakota where we’d remain for the next four years while dad completed his MBA and started his doctoral work. I recall stories from my mom about her walking through the grocery store with a calculator because she could only spend $40 to feed six people. I think at the time my dad was making $20,000, which even in the early 90’s was not a lot of money for a family of six. He must have done something right though, because after those four years, the Wharton School of Business hired him and we were moving again. The rest as they say is history.
Why do I bother to share any of these stories? What value could they possibly have for me today? Truth be told, they are an immense sense of pride for me. I am incredibly proud of both of my parents, for their solidarity, for their ability to grit their teeth, bear down, and work through tough times. I am proud that it seems to be an ancestral trait for my family. I am proud that they were able to make their own way like so many other families have had to do for years in this country, in my mind they are representative of the American dream. They worked their tails off so their kids could have more. I remember when I opened my first bank account at age 15. My mom took me because it was going to be a joint account between us. While sitting in the bank my mom was writing a check, it was the last student loan payment for my dad’s education. He graduated college in 1981, and in 2002 after a Bachelors degree, a Masters of Divinity, a Master of Business Administration, and a PhD they were paying off the last student loan. My reason for sharing any of this is not just my personal pride; my reason for sharing this is because it has value for how I determined to start my own life and my own business.
The next question I have to ask myself is; do I have to start the same way my parents did? Do they expect me to? I know that my parents didn’t want me to have to struggle the way they did. They helped pay for almost all of my education because they knew what it was like to pay for it all on their own and they know the value of a good education. At the same time though, while I’m in the early stages of my own business, while finishing my MBA with two kids and a wife, my father is quick to remind me that bootstrapping is a part of entrepreneurship and that at one point in time with two more kids and way more debt he was making $20,000. Knowing that your parents have walked a mile both ways uphill is valuable because you know it can be done, and if they could do it you can too. Your parents may want you to struggle a little bit as they did when you join the family business not because they are cruel, not because they are trying to pass the suffering on, and not even so they can “toughen” you up. You may need to learn the struggle for the same reason you need to learn failure. You need the struggles and the failures to develop resiliency against future struggles or future failures that will most likely be more significant than your present struggles. In some ways that sounds like just needing to toughen up, but it’s far less arbitrary than that. I love a quote from a recent article in the Economist. In the article Upsides: Old-fashioned Virtues they were looking at the family business Berry Bros. & Rudd’s. Mr. Berry said: “once you have survived the South Sea Bubble – a financial crisis in 1720 that caused the British economy to shrink by a quarter – you can see the 2008 recession in perspective.” I love this perspective.
My Berry didn’t live through the 1720 crisis, but his family did. The story became a part of their family legacy that inspired each generation to work hard as the previous generation, not for the sake of working hard, but to learn what it means to work hard. Is my life comfortable today, yes, in comparison to most of the world my life is a luxury. Are many of my peers making more money or living more comfortably than I am, yes. Am I living as uncomfortably as my parents, no. But I am challenged enough in my current life situation to understand what it means to overcome a challenge, to look failure in the face and know I can bounce back. I’m working today to prepare myself for tomorrow’s struggle. I know it doesn’t sound like fun, and I know parents can be annoying about what they expect, but more than likely they have a good reason.
My final point for this blog (sorry this is so long) is this. Knowing your parent’s story is important, accepting the requirements for your entering the family business is often easier said than done. I don’t want to say you have to blindly accept what they ask you to do, but in my experience, if you offer yourself up for mentorship and guidance from someone, you have to give yourself over to THEIR process. When I decided to enter the field of family business consulting and my dad and I started to talk about what my path would be, I was willing to accept whatever process he decided on. I read the books he recommended, I enrolled in an MBA when we talked about the value it could have for my career, and I’ve committed to not pay myself all that much while my business is in its infancy. None of those things have been easy, two out of the three have put significant pressure on my young family, but I willingly walk on this path of mentorship because I know what the hard work and sacrifice can produce. I know that because I know my family story, and the legacy of hard work. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey, and would strongly encourage anyone that is deciding or has decided to enter the family business to learn your family history, and give yourself over to the process.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Learn the history of your family and their business. The life lessons could be invaluable.
- Give yourself over to the process and be willing to walk however many miles up however many hills you are asked to walk.
Boundaries
Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself
When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.
The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business. They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.
In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you. Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.
I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.
The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.
At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.
My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
- Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
- Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.
New Ideas
How to have your ideas heard and not ignored
This concept is near and dear to my heart. In fact when I sat and started to think about topics I could write about this was one of the first to pop into my head. I have a tendency to generate quite a good bit of new and often outlandish ideas. I do this with such frequency that not only does my family mock me for my ideas, often even before presenting the idea, but my friends have started to as well. I will be honest, a lot if not most of my ideas are ridiculous. The ideas that I present that have merit, I don’t always present in the best manner and with the best supporting evidence. More often than not I come with an idea that I’m very enthusiastic about, throw it out there and nothing happens. This can begin to be frustrating from time to time but if I keep a few major points in mind I can help process myself through the frustration.
First, what is the venue for my presentation? The classic new concept scene in any movie or TV show, is the two guys sketching the idea on the back of a cocktail napkin. The next scene, may be them struggling to get an idea to concept in their garage or they may just be instantly successful. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that has started a business or launched a new concept in this manner. This should also not be your presentation for your new idea. On a regular basis I have a tough time getting face time with my dad, he is my primary sounding board for new ideas. When I do get face time it’s typically at a family dinner when he’s popped in to town, limited moments between meetings with clients, or after a long day of bouncing from meeting to meeting and I’m the final appointment for him. From the starting gate my idea doesn’t have a forum for success, so how could I be frustrated with a negative or dismissive response? I have to start by framing an opportunity (a key component to conversation skills is framing the conversation). I need to schedule time for face-to-face interaction with the knowledge that we’re discussing a new idea. Some are saying, “this sounds ridiculous; why should I have to schedule time with my parents”? Well, the fact is, your parents are probably busy for a reason. Respect that fact, don’t try and fight that fact. Learn to adapt to your situation; they don’t HAVE to listen to your idea but they will because they love you.
Second, how am I presenting my idea? Very rarely, in fact almost never, do I use formal tools for presenting new ideas. Meaning, I don’t use excel or power point. However, the one time I did come armed with a spreadsheet I had one of my most productive conversations around a new idea ever. The key was I wasn’t working in the abstract. I had tangible data to have a dialogue about. If you combine that with my framing of the opportunity, I was already ahead of where I have been in previous discussions. I also didn’t start with: “let me tell you about this great idea I had.” I started by asking some questions. I led him to my idea before presenting my idea. I asked him to describe his previous experience with the business model I was seeking to alter. I already knew how he’d describe his experience because it was his discontent that served as the inspiration for my idea. I just needed him think about all of the bad experiences he’d had in the past before I presented what I thought was the solution.
Finally, what supporting evidence have I presented to validate my idea and ensure adoption? Let’s get back to that spreadsheet I said I used earlier. Anytime you are presenting a new idea, it is critical to have done exhaustive amounts of research and data mining. Anyone that will be serious about helping you pursue the idea will have specific questions about the validity and feasibility of the idea. You are in a much stronger position if you have already performed the due diligence and can answer their questions on the spot. By doing so you are not only keeping them engaged in that moment, rather than needing to return to the conversation at a later date. But you are also showing them that you have committed significant effort to the idea already and are more serious about this idea than the idea you presented over beers a few weeks ago. You may have to leave and do further research, and you may be asked to develop your idea into a more formal presentation. I promise you though, if you follow these three steps your chances of getting buy-in are almost 100%, as long as your idea isn’t to invent a space ship to go to Mars.
I can empathize with anyone that has had idea after idea disregarded as outlandish gibberish as if you’re talking about sponsoring a hunt for Bigfoot. Believe me I know how frustrating that is, especially if you actually have a good idea. I remember once I tossed an idea my dad’s way and he totally dismissed it. I simply paused and said: “dad, you didn’t ask me a single question about my idea, you just totally dismissed it.” He was totally taken aback. I wasn’t being rude, I was just calling him out on being dismissive, a trait he knows he exhibits with me at times. The point here though is not that my dad was dismissive, it’s that if I’m owning my 100% of the situation, I need to present my ideas in better settings, in better ways, and with actual research because I’ve “cried wolf” too many times in the past. I am putting all of the responsibility for the reception of new ideas on the next generation. You have to learn to package concepts into a marketable format, and you have to start succeeding with selling your family before you can sell your customers. For lack of a better example, if you are presenting a new idea you are serious about, think of every person you present it to as Mark Cuban on Sharktank. He is going to chew your idea up (and you) 100 times before committing to it. If you aren’t prepared you will most likely leave without a deal.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Find the right venue for your presentation, frame the opportunity as a discussion for a new idea.
- Lead with questions to guide your audience to your idea before you reveal your idea.
- Perform exhaustive research and come armed with data to support your concept.
Identity
Do you have a personal identity outside of your family business or your money…if not you need to.
The concept of Identity is the third part in the series of posts starting with The Power of Your Family name followed by Nepotism. I qualify this post with this disclaimer; I am in no way a psychological authority, all of my knowledge is experience based and loosely based on a good amount of reading and conversing I’ve done on the subject. There are more experienced and knowledgeable people to discuss this topic than me; I am simply going to give you some of my experience as always on the topic.
So why would I bring up what appears to be a highly psychological term in relation to your family business? Have you ever heard about a founder of a company retiring and within a few short months passing away? In my opinion a lot of that has to do with their reason for getting up in the morning is gone, a part of their identity was lost when they retired. Similarly we often see families struggling with the notion that they could, should, or would sell the family business when it’s clearly the best financial decision for their family. The reason being is their personal identity is wrapped up in that business and if they sell the business their parents, or their grandparents created then they are losing a part of themselves. The truth is that doesn’t have to be the case. I’m not saying you shouldn’t value the business highly because of the meaning it has to your family, I’m saying that if you looked deeply at the nature of the legacy your family left to you in that business your identity may not be tied to the mom and pop shop that started in their home. The concept of a personal identity is so critical because you need to be more than just the family business or just the job. Neither of those things is eternal.
Also exploring a personal identity is important so you can differentiate yourself from your surroundings and not personalize the challenges that face you in the business or that face the business. My personal identity today, I’d say is based out of being over parentalized as a child, meaning I was treated like one of the parents when I shouldn’t have been, and a fear of something bad happening to my family. This drove me to become incredibly responsible and always try and do the “right thing”. In addition to that I’ve had a lot of wonderful people invest in my own personal development, so I’ve found a passion for learning and helping other people find their passions and achieve them. Can you start to see how my personal identity is more than just my business but in many ways has led me to this industry? If I had to close up shop tomorrow would anything change about my passions and identity… absolutely not. I might just look for other opportunities to help guide people to their passions and show them love like a parent would. That piece of my identity will carry me until the day I die, and won’t be dependent on my occupation.
I’ve already briefly addressed this, but the danger of not having your own identity prior to entering your family business is you will create your identity around that business. The danger in that scenario is you won’t be able to think objectively about the business anymore because it’s become a part of you. The other fear is that you’ll seek to emulate whoever is guiding and mentoring you in order to become them. Learning from a mentor, and adopting certain behaviors you’ve identified as making them successful has its merits. However you cannot become that person even if you are in line to succeed them. The reason you shouldn’t want to and can’t become them is you’ll never be able to act with the same degree of moral authority that they have. The founder of a company can make unilateral decisions because he’s the founder of the company. But the next generation leader and anyone else to follow didn’t create the company, so no one will buy into their unilateral decisions the way they did for the founder. You have to find your own true self, your true style, and your true reason for being in that business.
The same reasoning behind having a personal identity prior to entering the family business can also be applied to inheriting wealth. There is a much larger discussion about identity in relation to money, but for the time being we’ll touch on this briefly. You are not your money, your wealth, or the possessions you have. You MUST be more than that. The reason is, the moment you lose any of it you lose part of yourself. In that moment all you will live for is getting it back. If I became infinitely wealthy from my occupation and suddenly lost it all would anything about my identity change…again absolutely not. I’d still be a father, I’d still have a passion for helping people find and achieve their passions, and I’d still be a constant learner. Nothing about who I think I am would change, just like if I suddenly became infinitely wealthy nothing about me would change. The reason there is a distinction here is that money is much easier to lose than a business. Also in both cases, but more often with money, there will be people around you that will try and get your money just because you have it. Without a sense of personal identity you will start to think the only way to relate to people is around giving them money. This is so false and scary to see happen to people. Once again, you are not your money, and it should have nothing to do with who you are.
Finally, there are some people reading this thinking: “I have no idea how to do any of the things he’s talking about here”. Or some may be thinking: “shoot, I’ve already joined the family business, now what”? Well the first thing I’d say is to not panic. The world will not end tomorrow if you haven’t done anything about this. Also, there’s a chance you already have a differentiated personal identity you may just not be aware of it. I’d say to someone looking to figure out what their personal identity is, is to start searching and learning. Start reading books to help you identify key points of your life that have been a part of your development. I’d also highly recommend sitting down with a therapist and exploring your family of origins. Conversing about your life with a coach that’s capable of helping you frame your thoughts can be very powerful and effective for this search process. I’ve also spent almost my entire adult life reflecting and analyzing almost all aspects of my life so there’s another place you can start. Ask yourself questions like: does anyone else in my family, or anyone I know think this way? Was there an alternative choice to the one I made? Why did I make THAT choice?
I’m hoping that this post and the previous two have given you something to think about and haven’t been daunting in concept or work to walk away with. I’m also hoping that haven’t been too trite or pithy and that there was real value here for someone. My ultimate goal here is to reflect on my personal journey and connect that conceptually to your own path into your family business or with your incoming wealth. I wish anyone the best of luck with this work, it’s never easy but have courage in the fact that you’re not alone.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Having a personal identity is vital to your survival in the family business or when inheriting wealth.
- The danger is that you will become your business or your money and if either should ever be gone you will have lost yourself as well.
- Start with self-exploration and learning to help you develop your personal identity.
- Don’t be scared about the work or the journey, you’re not alone.
Category: Legacy, Personal Identity |
Nepotism
The opportunity provided by your family name and how it is perceived
I said in my post last week that it was a three part series. The second part of three is on the term Nepotism. I also have to apologize to those inheritors of wealth; this post is geared more towards the Next Gen. Family Business crowd. By the very definition if you’ve been given a job because of your last name you are the subject of nepotism. The idea of nepotism carries a negative connotation, as if whoever was given that opportunity was not deserving of it. As I said last week there is a great deal of opportunity afforded to you because of the power of your family name, a job is certainly an opportunity. So how do you challenge the negative thoughts of nepotism that surrounds your presence in your family business? The short answer… you don’t. At the end of the day the only person you control is you, your thoughts, your actions, and your response vs. reactions. Today you may be viewed as a child of privilege that has been “handed” an opportunity, how you RESPOND to that assumption is how you’ll be perceived from now on.
The first step in combatting these perceptions is to not personalize them. More often than not the negative feelings one has towards a subject of nepotism is about them and not you. Their own feelings of inadequacy, or the perception that they’ve been overlooked within the organization can lead to hostile thoughts around any subject that validates their own feelings and perceptions. A concept we often talk about is the nature of white blood cells. The purpose of a white blood cell is to expel anything from the body that can harm the body, or that doesn’t belong. This happens in organizations as well, you will face a series of detractors because in their mind you threaten the status quo. Once again, these thoughts are out of your control. The only control you do have is to not become reactive and to respond without personalization. The statements I’m making about those around you that are thinking negative of you are assuming you actually deserve the job you’ve been given. If you are acting in a way that validates their perceptions such as showing up to work late, not delivering on tasks and goals, and assuming a level of authority above your current position, than you need to reconsider who is in the wrong here.
Second to not personalizing is actually seeking out the white blood cells around you and offering yourself up to their expertise. The concept will sound counterintuitive, but it is possible to lead by being mentored. Allowing yourself to be mentored by someone is validating their position, hard work, and knowledge. In addition to that you will learn nuances and perspectives about the company that you otherwise might have missed. Another key piece to this step is to “process out loud” and to re-process bad process”. Processing out loud is the act of walking someone through your mental process. By doing this you remove opportunity for the other person to draw false conclusions. If a detractor seems to base their opinion of you around a particular action you’re taking, walk them through your mental process. They will gain understanding of your thinking, and you open yourself up to be taught a different and possibly better process. Re-processing bad process is the reflective action of walking back through your steps in order to identify an area of error. This is useful in communication and in working habits. Communicatively you can re-process how you spoke to someone, and in doing so, say what you meant to say with a more appropriate tone and language. Re-processing procedures allows you to identify areas of improvement for the future.
The final step is simply to work hard. Remove doubt about the merit for which you received this position by working your tail off. Seek additional work before it’s passed to you, and seek opportunities that will serve the greater good rather than just yourself. If someone is going to make a coffee run, volunteer. You are seeking to remove the perception that you feel entitled to be there, and the perception that because you are the boss’ child that you are above anyone you work with. You will of course make mistakes; this doesn’t mean you’re incompetent and that you don’t deserve the job. But if you’ve practiced the first two steps you shouldn’t have a problem overcoming the perception that you were just given something you didn’t deserve.
I know this all sounds hard, I didn’t share any specific stories in this post but every aspect of this concept I’ve experienced first hand. I can’t tell you how many frustrating moments I’ve had, and the panic and anxiety that has torn at me because I’m thinking about how I’m perceived. At the end of the day all you have control over is you, you may try every measure I suggested here today and still make no movement with the people around you. I’m encouraging you to keep trying though, start by befriending your biggest detractor and see what impact you can have.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- How do you combat Nepotism, you don’t. You can only control yourself not others, don’t personalize.
- Seek mentorship and guidance from “white blood cells”. Process out loud and reprocess bad process
- Work hard; seek opportunities to serve the greater good. Ask for additional work.
Category: At Work |
Power of The Name
The access and respect given to you with your name
I have three related topics; one I’ll cover this week and the others over the next two weeks. The topic for this week is The Power of Your Family Name. If your last name is Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Ford, or Firestone chances are you’ve had a conversation about the power of your family name. Growing up I always wanted to have an epic family name, as if one day someone would pull up and tell us we were some long lost descendent of some powerful King or something along those lines. But having worked in this industry for a little while now I’ve come to see that you don’t have to have an epic family name, or be of noble descent in order to have power in your family name.
In most circles the name Habbershon is not interesting or meaningful in anyway. But in the family-business coaching world it garners enough respect that I need to tread lightly in those circles. I’ve had multiple encounters with people connecting with me here and there trying to get connected to my father. I have had experiences professionally that I wouldn’t otherwise have if it weren’t for my last name. I’ve also been given respect that I haven’t earned because of my last name.
For those Spiderman fans out there you know that with great power comes great responsibility. At some point in time someone in your family did something to warrant an abundance of respect associated with your family name. In my case, in my professional circle it is my father. I have, and you have an obligation to respect their hard work and act responsibly around that family name. When I started this blog I had two intentions, the first was to offer a different perspective on topics I hear taught regularly. The second reason is this represents an opportunity for me to make a name for myself. However, because I share the same name as my father, I showed him the necessary respect of him and our name and discussed this with him first. I may be (I’m not by the way) infringing upon his name with the topics I choose to write about or the things that I say.
I recently had a friend talk to me about how he wished he had a family connection like mine in his own professional setting. He kept talking about how he would take advantage of that opportunity if it were presented to him. You may recall from the Decision post when I talked around the thought process of taking the easy road and just following in your parent’s footsteps. If you remember what I said, there’s nothing easy about deciding to follow in your family’s footsteps. I said it then, and I’ll repeat it here; I used to think I had to do something on my own, separate from the work my father did. But that idea would mean I’d be passing up a foundation that my father laid through his own hard work. Rather than start totally new making a name for myself, why not build off of the powerful name that has already been created. Understand though that this is not an easy task. You will be weighed, and you will be measured against that name always. Expectations will be heaped upon you. In addition to that, there will be some around you that discount anything you do because “your name is the only reason you’re here.”
To anyone brave enough to walk this road and brave the expectations, to carry the weight of responsibility, and to endure foundationless ridicule I say: “good for you, let’s talk.” For anyone that chose a different path from their parents, and maybe want to blaze their own trail I say: “good for you, we should still talk.” There is an alternative perspective to mine, and it’s the person that decides to not enter the arena of their family name. There will still be times when you cannot escape your name, and that is okay. Don’t always feel like you have to. The one thing I wanted to convey with this post more than anything is that your family name is exciting and unique. Maybe it has a terrible reputation, maybe you are a Rockefeller, and maybe no one knows who you are. No matter what the case learn to be excited for your family history and whatever power comes with that.
Practical Summary
- Your name has power, sometimes more than you may be aware of.
- Respect the power of your name and act responsibly when using it.
- It is not easy to follow in the family name, know that you are making a difficult choice for a tough road.
Communication
How to have effective conversations
Human beings learn to communicate literally the moment they are born. My son that was just recently born knows how to get his diaper changed and get food. He may not directly associate his 3 AM squawking to food, but when he’s hungry all he does is cry and someone gives him milk. My daughter who is a little over two can communicate a much broader range of desires, even emotions and feelings. At two she can already tell me she’s sad, she wants “somey” milk, or she can ask: “what’s that daddy?” to the large noise she heard outside. No wonder why we think we are communication experts, because we’ve been doing it our entire lives. And yet, despite our years of experience we take on challenging conversations or communication problems with the same skill my two year old might, and for some as skillfully as my newborn would.
My favorite analogy is this: a novice golfer getting out of his car, putting his bag on a cart, pulling up to the first tee box, gives his body a stretch here and a stretch there, and then swinging at the tiny infuriating ball at his feet and expecting the ball to travel with the same velocity and accuracy that Tiger Woods would expect (prior to his career melting down). The fact is Tiger Woods has spent years of his life dedicated to that single shot you just hit into the woods. Not only that but he would never get out of his car and walk right up to a tee box Thursday morning of The Masters. He will have regulated his meals for a week prior, his sleep, his outfit, and how much swinging he’s done. Everything about that shot is calculated down to the finest variable. When you think about how you communicate, and the conversations you have surrounding your family business or your inheritance I DO NOT want you to treat them as if you’re deciding to go to Dairy Queen or not. I want you to treat them with the same level of commitment and calculation that Tiger Woods puts into one shot. I also want you to understand that you are as much of a novice at communicating, as my daughter would be at golf. What I am about to walk through may seem obvious, but in practice, in the moment it’s no more obvious than how to hit a perfect draw 230 yards into the wind.
The first thing to practice in these conversations is how we communicate. Your tone, facial expression, gestures, and conversational context are all communicating just as much as your words. If I say “I Love You” to my wife, but scream it at her after we’ve just fought, the sentiment probably isn’t hitting home. Notice though that I didn’t just say tone, your body language and especially the context of conversation implies a lot as well. I have had multiple frustrating strategy and business development conversations with my father while driving him to the airport. From the context I just provided, what impressions would you take away? Personally, my first impression is that what I find to be critically important to my professional career is not that important to him. If something is important, you make time for it. I understand that utilizing my dad as a resource and sounding board for my business development doesn’t stack up against his actual job in importance. But it is the highest level of importance to me, so I would hope it would land higher on his list of priorities than a 45 min car ride to the airport. There’s a heap of emotional baggage from my own life wrapped up there, but you can see how even the slightest detail can alter the meaning and intentions behind a statement or action. Schedule time to have the important conversations the right way.
The next point is harder to grasp. I understand that once I say this there will be a million “what if” questions floating around. For the moment ignore them and take this point at face value. Be as transparent and honest as possible. I know, sometimes you’re talking with someone and they shouldn’t know all of the details. That is not what I’m talking about here. I’m referring to your thoughts and feelings. Coupled with kind language, tone, and atmosphere an honest and transparent statement about what you are feeling or thinking is an incredibly powerful tool for building trust in relationships. If you have all of your cards on the table, there is no room for assumptions to be made and no room for miscommunication. The other dynamic to this strategy is you are placing yourself in an exposed and humble state. In that moment you aren’t aggressive, there isn’t negative energy swirling around the room, and the other person is forced to choose what position they will take. They could go on the offensive and strike, or they could choose to respond in kind and meet you in a non-aggressive position. At that point you will have built a platform for productive conversation. Is this always easy: heck no! Is it always effective: most of the time.
My family has major intimacy issues; some would deny that statement but the facts are on the table. I have to constantly work at transparency and honesty with my wife, because growing up our household of four kids it was every man for himself. Our family dinners have been described as verbal combat or verbal karate. If you mix that with two parents who have their own historical family intimacy issues you’ve got a mixed cocktail of some pretty hardened people. So I have to work at this with my wife, when I’m working with my dad, and when I’m dealing with my children. One of the most powerful moments of my childhood was when my dad sat my older sister and I down after we’d been battling with one another. I can’t remember the exact details, but all I remember is this. My dad sat both of us down and looked us straight in the eyes and said: “I have no idea what I’m doing here. I have never been a parent of multiple teenagers before, just like you’ve never been teenagers before. I have a thought of what I should do to handle this, but honestly I’m doing the best I can to make it through.” What a powerful statement. He was placing all of the emotional energy in our court, he was giving us a choice with how we should respond, and he was telling us that he might make a bad decision because he’s never made this kind of decision before. He went on to ask us to offer one another and him a great deal of grace in our lives. I can honestly say that moment brought the three of us closer, and in many ways began the peership leveling process we now get to enjoy.
My final point for communication success is to ask questions. Ask a ton of questions before you pass judgment on a person or their actions. Professionally, we would require an individual to ask their family member three questions before they can make a judgment or statement. If I said to you: “your brother got to the mall in my car.” What would you first response be? It would probably start with a couple of questions as to why he was driving my car and not his own. Why did he drive by himself, and why did he need to go to the mall so badly that he had to borrow my car? So when your parents say, I’d like you to work on the production line as your first job in the family company, or we’re giving you X amount of dollars over Y amount of years, shouldn’t you lead with questions? These questions should be framed in a context that satisfies my first two points here today. Feel free to express your true feelings about what you might have just heard. Say something like: “mom/dad I’m feeling a little anxious and frustrated that I have to work on the production line when I just spent four years at college. Can you tell me a little more about your thinking behind this decision?” You have hopefully phrased all of this kindly, but that statement and question brings them into your emotional framework as well as offers an open ended question for them to bring you into their thinking process. Don’t just stop there; ask three or four levels of clarifying questions after that. Remember, with questions the deeper you go the more you know.
None of the principles I’ve discussed here today are easy. All of them require a great deal of practice and dedication from all parties. As I said at the beginning, these are professional level skills you’re learning here for serious and challenging conversations. If I were in your shoes, I’d take each piece and try them in a more casual setting. Ask your friends some deeper level questions while you’re grabbing a beer. Try being totally honest and transparent with someone you know is safe. In all areas of your life, become aware or your tone, body language, and the context in which you’re having a conversation. Have you been giving serious matters the proper forum for discussion, or have you been only giving them airport-driving time? I hope that this post will be helpful on your journey with your family, if nothing else hopefully it’s given you something to think about.
Good Luck
Productive Summary
- What is your tone, body language, and context saying in addition to your words?
- Be honest and as transparent as possible.
- Ask questions…a lot of questions.
Category: Communication, Family Dynamics |