Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself
When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.
The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business. They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.
In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you. Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.
I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.
The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.
At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.
My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
- Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
- Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.