Archive for May 21, 2015

| May 21, 2015
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Individuality – Part 1

You come from your parents, does that mean you are your parents?

 

I cannot recall if I’ve mentioned this before, but if you were to stand my father and I together we would look like twins born 20 years apart (although he’s much taller). There was a time recently when we were riding in the car together, and my wife called me over the Bluetooth in my car. At one point my dad was talking and she legitimately thought she as speaking to me. In addition to looking and sounding similarly, we have similar mannerisms and our personalities are pretty comparable. Despite a number of overwhelming similarities, including our occupational choices, we are still exceptionally different people.

There are at least two differentiating factors between us; the first is that I am only part my father, the other part of me is also my mother. My father and I have similar energies, especially when talking about new ideas. My mother and I though, share very distinct passionate behavioral traits. We are fiercely loyal, overprotective of our loved ones, and both classic self-sacrificers often to our own detriment. I’m not saying my father isn’t any of these things, but I’d identify those characteristics in myself as distinctly MOM. The second factor that differentiates my father and I is that we were raised in very different homes with very different parents. My family growing up was very conservative by today’s standards, but incredibly liberal in comparison to my father’s household growing up. In this same way even though we have the same parents I am also not like my siblings, and neither are you. Even if you were born as a twin, your parents still interacted with you differently. Perhaps mom and dad took turns caring for you and your twin, but by the first month mom clearly had a better rapport with one and vice versa for dad. Out of necessity for sleep and limiting the noise pollution they probably held whichever baby felt more comfortable with them, thus changing the dynamics of your upbringing.

My siblings and I were born very close together, but the two oldest were born in different states than one another, and different my younger sister and I. Not to mention each kid went through major development milestones in different life stages for our family. Finally, the classic scenario from psych 101 is the birth order of the children. Even though my family, by many definitions, has three first born children, Grant was still born almost two years prior to Meredith, and four years prior to me, and six years prior to Natalie. By the time Natalie came along my parents, as parents, were on autopilot. As a recent father of a second child I can tell you from personal experience that the second child definitely doesn’t get nearly as much attention as the first. I may have an entire external hard drive of pictures of my first kid, and maybe half a cell phone of my second. This isn’t to say I love my second child any less than my first, but that first kid is such a new experience you have to capture everything. Also you have way more time to capture those moments as opposed to your experience with your second kid onward.

So what value does this entire rambling have to you? Other than a fun glimpse into my family dynamics the important point here is that whether you’re entering your family business, or inheriting wealth, you will be compelled whether by feeling or outside council to do things just as your parents have before you, and theirs before them. People will expect you to think the same, act the same, respond the same to the same stimulus, and most shockingly to lead the same. However, and I cannot say this emphatically enough: YOU ARE NOT THE SAME. You can be just as capable of running the company, or growing your wealth, but you will do it your way. Your way may seem like their way, but it’s not. The reason I keep hammering this point home is that I want everyone to feel free to explore their own competencies and learn to make and live by their own decisions. At some point you’ll have to make all of your own decisions anyway, because your parents will be gone, so why not start now when you can have an open dialogue about them with your parents and learn from your successes and failures.

The exciting opportunity that this exploration process opens up is you could find an area where you are excellent and they are not. Finding those competencies then learning to grow and harness them is an important part of becoming a leader in a family business or sustaining your wealth. You may also find that there are areas of competency that you are lacking; in this case you have two choices. You could either stress over the establishment or enhancement of that competency, or you could explore building teams of people around you that can compensate in an area where you are lacking. There is no shame in finding people to help you; no one truly makes it all on their own. The shameful part happens when you are too stubborn to realize you need help, and you assume that just because you and your parent or parents are so similar that you can do anything they can do. Maybe you can, and maybe you can do things better, but how can you know if you don’t start the exploration now. Why wait for tomorrow when they are gone and the comparisons and learning opportunities are gone with them.

One final point I think is important to recognize, I am not calling on the next generation to discount or ignore the expertise of your parents; quite the opposite. I am also not saying that you should avoid behavioral traits or characteristics that are consistent within your parents as well; again quite the opposite. I’m trying to encourage you to find your own style, and it could be that your style or your passions are similar to theirs…Great. But if they aren’t, and if you are different or think differently explore that as well. I personally love being compared to my parents, or even my siblings. I love my family, I think my family members are fun people and have a lot of interesting and great characteristics about them. But as much as I love the comparisons, I also like to be Jonathan. Jonathan is not always like Tim, and he is not always like Linda, and more often than not he’s very different from Grant, Meredith, and Natalie. I have to find my own sense of individuality and harness it to make my business and my family better and more well rounded. You should start the same exploration process as well. Start to think about the things that make you unique, your passions that keep ticking and explore them. Find pride in your family dynamics and your family identity, but learn to develop your self as well.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Having similar traits can be fun, but learn to establish your own individuality.
  • Build your own capabilities and competencies. One day you will have to rely on them.
  • Don’t be afraid to look outside of yourself to compensate for areas where you are different from your parents. Teams are fantastic options for accomplishing tasks.
Category: Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| May 13, 2015
Comments Off on Walk a Mile Both Ways

Walk a Mile Both Ways

Comparing your parent’s start to your own

 

*Note this post is intended primarily for the Next Generation Family Business Owner.

I can honestly say that upon reflection I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me a story where they walked a mile uphill both ways to work, or school, or wherever they were going. At this point I think the hyperbole in that anecdote is known to be just that. You may have had someone tell you this tale before, or not, but I’m sure if you’re thinking about entering your family business you’ve heard some story about how your parents, or grandparents, started that business and their story had elements of walking a mile uphill both ways. I know I’ve heard countless times the hard work, sacrifices, and challenges my parents faced while my dad was launching his career. Neither of my parents came from money, they both came from parents that have worked hard their entire lives. I have one grandpa that worked in a factory building farm equipment, another that drove a long haul truck for years. One of my grandmother’s families owned a potato chip factory, and she grew up working in that factory. My dad’s parents at one point were called to be missionaries in Guam and South Africa. I would be safe in saying that pretty much every penny that my family has they’ve earned through hard work.

My father got into college, as I’ve heard it told, because he was a very good hurdler for the track team. In high school, if memory serves, he was an average student typically pulling in B’s and C’s. However when he got to college he was determined to be a better student. He earned a BS in Psychology and immediately moved on to seminary at Gordon Conwell. Over the next few years my mom and dad would have four kids ages 6 and under by the time they were 30, they’d start three churches, and moved four different times to three different states with two different stops in Massachusetts. For whatever reason my father had decided to leave full time ministry and wanted to transition to some form of business. So they packed up the family, moved the six of us (and a new puppy) to Vermillion South Dakota where we’d remain for the next four years while dad completed his MBA and started his doctoral work. I recall stories from my mom about her walking through the grocery store with a calculator because she could only spend $40 to feed six people. I think at the time my dad was making $20,000, which even in the early 90’s was not a lot of money for a family of six. He must have done something right though, because after those four years, the Wharton School of Business hired him and we were moving again. The rest as they say is history.

Why do I bother to share any of these stories? What value could they possibly have for me today? Truth be told, they are an immense sense of pride for me. I am incredibly proud of both of my parents, for their solidarity, for their ability to grit their teeth, bear down, and work through tough times. I am proud that it seems to be an ancestral trait for my family. I am proud that they were able to make their own way like so many other families have had to do for years in this country, in my mind they are representative of the American dream. They worked their tails off so their kids could have more. I remember when I opened my first bank account at age 15. My mom took me because it was going to be a joint account between us. While sitting in the bank my mom was writing a check, it was the last student loan payment for my dad’s education. He graduated college in 1981, and in 2002 after a Bachelors degree, a Masters of Divinity, a Master of Business Administration, and a PhD they were paying off the last student loan. My reason for sharing any of this is not just my personal pride; my reason for sharing this is because it has value for how I determined to start my own life and my own business.

The next question I have to ask myself is; do I have to start the same way my parents did? Do they expect me to? I know that my parents didn’t want me to have to struggle the way they did. They helped pay for almost all of my education because they knew what it was like to pay for it all on their own and they know the value of a good education. At the same time though, while I’m in the early stages of my own business, while finishing my MBA with two kids and a wife, my father is quick to remind me that bootstrapping is a part of entrepreneurship and that at one point in time with two more kids and way more debt he was making $20,000. Knowing that your parents have walked a mile both ways uphill is valuable because you know it can be done, and if they could do it you can too. Your parents may want you to struggle a little bit as they did when you join the family business not because they are cruel, not because they are trying to pass the suffering on, and not even so they can “toughen” you up. You may need to learn the struggle for the same reason you need to learn failure. You need the struggles and the failures to develop resiliency against future struggles or future failures that will most likely be more significant than your present struggles. In some ways that sounds like just needing to toughen up, but it’s far less arbitrary than that. I love a quote from a recent article in the Economist. In the article Upsides: Old-fashioned Virtues they were looking at the family business Berry Bros. & Rudd’s. Mr. Berry said: “once you have survived the South Sea Bubble – a financial crisis in 1720 that caused the British economy to shrink by a quarter – you can see the 2008 recession in perspective.” I love this perspective.

My Berry didn’t live through the 1720 crisis, but his family did. The story became a part of their family legacy that inspired each generation to work hard as the previous generation, not for the sake of working hard, but to learn what it means to work hard. Is my life comfortable today, yes, in comparison to most of the world my life is a luxury. Are many of my peers making more money or living more comfortably than I am, yes. Am I living as uncomfortably as my parents, no. But I am challenged enough in my current life situation to understand what it means to overcome a challenge, to look failure in the face and know I can bounce back. I’m working today to prepare myself for tomorrow’s struggle. I know it doesn’t sound like fun, and I know parents can be annoying about what they expect, but more than likely they have a good reason.

My final point for this blog (sorry this is so long) is this. Knowing your parent’s story is important, accepting the requirements for your entering the family business is often easier said than done. I don’t want to say you have to blindly accept what they ask you to do, but in my experience, if you offer yourself up for mentorship and guidance from someone, you have to give yourself over to THEIR process. When I decided to enter the field of family business consulting and my dad and I started to talk about what my path would be, I was willing to accept whatever process he decided on. I read the books he recommended, I enrolled in an MBA when we talked about the value it could have for my career, and I’ve committed to not pay myself all that much while my business is in its infancy. None of those things have been easy, two out of the three have put significant pressure on my young family, but I willingly walk on this path of mentorship because I know what the hard work and sacrifice can produce. I know that because I know my family story, and the legacy of hard work. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey, and would strongly encourage anyone that is deciding or has decided to enter the family business to learn your family history, and give yourself over to the process.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Learn the history of your family and their business. The life lessons could be invaluable.
  • Give yourself over to the process and be willing to walk however many miles up however many hills you are asked to walk.
Category: At Work, Family Dynamics, Legacy, Personal Identity |