Do you have a personal identity outside of your family business or your money…if not you need to.
The concept of Identity is the third part in the series of posts starting with The Power of Your Family name followed by Nepotism. I qualify this post with this disclaimer; I am in no way a psychological authority, all of my knowledge is experience based and loosely based on a good amount of reading and conversing I’ve done on the subject. There are more experienced and knowledgeable people to discuss this topic than me; I am simply going to give you some of my experience as always on the topic.
So why would I bring up what appears to be a highly psychological term in relation to your family business? Have you ever heard about a founder of a company retiring and within a few short months passing away? In my opinion a lot of that has to do with their reason for getting up in the morning is gone, a part of their identity was lost when they retired. Similarly we often see families struggling with the notion that they could, should, or would sell the family business when it’s clearly the best financial decision for their family. The reason being is their personal identity is wrapped up in that business and if they sell the business their parents, or their grandparents created then they are losing a part of themselves. The truth is that doesn’t have to be the case. I’m not saying you shouldn’t value the business highly because of the meaning it has to your family, I’m saying that if you looked deeply at the nature of the legacy your family left to you in that business your identity may not be tied to the mom and pop shop that started in their home. The concept of a personal identity is so critical because you need to be more than just the family business or just the job. Neither of those things is eternal.
Also exploring a personal identity is important so you can differentiate yourself from your surroundings and not personalize the challenges that face you in the business or that face the business. My personal identity today, I’d say is based out of being over parentalized as a child, meaning I was treated like one of the parents when I shouldn’t have been, and a fear of something bad happening to my family. This drove me to become incredibly responsible and always try and do the “right thing”. In addition to that I’ve had a lot of wonderful people invest in my own personal development, so I’ve found a passion for learning and helping other people find their passions and achieve them. Can you start to see how my personal identity is more than just my business but in many ways has led me to this industry? If I had to close up shop tomorrow would anything change about my passions and identity… absolutely not. I might just look for other opportunities to help guide people to their passions and show them love like a parent would. That piece of my identity will carry me until the day I die, and won’t be dependent on my occupation.
I’ve already briefly addressed this, but the danger of not having your own identity prior to entering your family business is you will create your identity around that business. The danger in that scenario is you won’t be able to think objectively about the business anymore because it’s become a part of you. The other fear is that you’ll seek to emulate whoever is guiding and mentoring you in order to become them. Learning from a mentor, and adopting certain behaviors you’ve identified as making them successful has its merits. However you cannot become that person even if you are in line to succeed them. The reason you shouldn’t want to and can’t become them is you’ll never be able to act with the same degree of moral authority that they have. The founder of a company can make unilateral decisions because he’s the founder of the company. But the next generation leader and anyone else to follow didn’t create the company, so no one will buy into their unilateral decisions the way they did for the founder. You have to find your own true self, your true style, and your true reason for being in that business.
The same reasoning behind having a personal identity prior to entering the family business can also be applied to inheriting wealth. There is a much larger discussion about identity in relation to money, but for the time being we’ll touch on this briefly. You are not your money, your wealth, or the possessions you have. You MUST be more than that. The reason is, the moment you lose any of it you lose part of yourself. In that moment all you will live for is getting it back. If I became infinitely wealthy from my occupation and suddenly lost it all would anything about my identity change…again absolutely not. I’d still be a father, I’d still have a passion for helping people find and achieve their passions, and I’d still be a constant learner. Nothing about who I think I am would change, just like if I suddenly became infinitely wealthy nothing about me would change. The reason there is a distinction here is that money is much easier to lose than a business. Also in both cases, but more often with money, there will be people around you that will try and get your money just because you have it. Without a sense of personal identity you will start to think the only way to relate to people is around giving them money. This is so false and scary to see happen to people. Once again, you are not your money, and it should have nothing to do with who you are.
Finally, there are some people reading this thinking: “I have no idea how to do any of the things he’s talking about here”. Or some may be thinking: “shoot, I’ve already joined the family business, now what”? Well the first thing I’d say is to not panic. The world will not end tomorrow if you haven’t done anything about this. Also, there’s a chance you already have a differentiated personal identity you may just not be aware of it. I’d say to someone looking to figure out what their personal identity is, is to start searching and learning. Start reading books to help you identify key points of your life that have been a part of your development. I’d also highly recommend sitting down with a therapist and exploring your family of origins. Conversing about your life with a coach that’s capable of helping you frame your thoughts can be very powerful and effective for this search process. I’ve also spent almost my entire adult life reflecting and analyzing almost all aspects of my life so there’s another place you can start. Ask yourself questions like: does anyone else in my family, or anyone I know think this way? Was there an alternative choice to the one I made? Why did I make THAT choice?
I’m hoping that this post and the previous two have given you something to think about and haven’t been daunting in concept or work to walk away with. I’m also hoping that haven’t been too trite or pithy and that there was real value here for someone. My ultimate goal here is to reflect on my personal journey and connect that conceptually to your own path into your family business or with your incoming wealth. I wish anyone the best of luck with this work, it’s never easy but have courage in the fact that you’re not alone.
Good Luck
Practical Summary
- Having a personal identity is vital to your survival in the family business or when inheriting wealth.
- The danger is that you will become your business or your money and if either should ever be gone you will have lost yourself as well.
- Start with self-exploration and learning to help you develop your personal identity.
- Don’t be scared about the work or the journey, you’re not alone.