Archive for April 29, 2015

| April 29, 2015
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Boundaries

Learning how to engage with opportunities without losing yourself

 

When I was a young teenager and my older brother was learning to drive, on occasion we’d take the trashcans to the end of the driveway with the car. From time to time he’d let me drive the car back down the driveway. We were also both taught, and allowed to practice driving stick in our cul-de-sac often times by ourselves. Well, one night when I had my learner’s permit I decided to be the cool older brother and I took my younger sister with me to take the trash cans out. When we got to the end of the driveway, I decided that we were fine to take a small joy ride in the neighborhood near our house. Without a license I drove on a very busy rode, through a neighborhood and then back into our cul-de-sac. At the top of that cul-de-sac I pulled over, let my sister climb behind the wheel, and then allowed her to drive the rest of the way home. I wish I had a picture of the look on my mother’s face when I rolled the passenger side window down after she had sprinted to the car from the house. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.

The point of this story is this; we were given certain freedoms when learning to drive. There were boundaries in place that we were not supposed to cross, and boundaries for a good reason. I learned quickly and the hard way what happens when you cross a boundary, you get punished. Boundaries are a key component to any relationship, and they are essential for a successful integration of a next generation into the family business or during the transference of wealth. In the context of the family business, in scenarios where the 2nd generation is entering the business, the 1st generation is often recollecting their process of starting the business.  They recall the long hours, the working on vacations, leaving dinner to answer a client call, essentially all of the personal sacrifice they endured so the business could be what it is today. I personally remember this vividly about my father growing up. The inclination of the 1st generation is to expect the 2nd generation to make the same sacrifices without hesitation, and if those expectations are not met there is often conflict and potential splitting.

In the context of wealth transfers, typically the senior generation has an opinion on how to utilize the money you’ve just inherited. Sometimes that opinion is even turned into guidelines that are handed to the trustee. Guidelines are acceptable; if your parents saved that money for you for a specific purpose then it is their prerogative to dictate what the money can be used for. However, if you’ve simply been given the money, and I mean any sum of money as a gift, then a discussion about boundaries is needed. In the case of the business and the money you are being given an opportunity, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Despite that opportunity, you still have to decide for yourself how you’ll let that opportunity define you.   Without boundaries the opportunity will define you however IT wants. In your family business, before you know it, you are behaving the same way your parent did with the business, making the same personal sacrifices when they may no longer be necessary. The money you inherit could act as a source of control for your parents, or a way to tie you back to the family system.

I talked about my relationship to my father, my business, work, and our boundaries in a previous post. We had one or two conversations briefly talking about my personal boundaries. The primary boundary came from my wife; she said she didn’t’ want me traveling the way he used to travel. My dad and I respected that; from then on we’ve sought opportunities that haven’t required me to travel the same way he did. I set a boundary that any financial information he’d be preview to as an advisor to me I didn’t want him to discuss with my siblings. That is my private financial information that I choose not to share with my sibling group. To my knowledge he’s honored that pretty well, although probably not perfectly. You create boundaries by thinking about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, and then simply saying what you are and are not comfortable with. This should simply be the start of a dialogue around expectations and opportunities for your family though.

The reason why I say this is the start of the dialogue is that there are consequences to setting boundaries, as well as not respecting boundaries. When you are considering what you are comfortable with or vice versa, you also have to consider what the outcomes are for each decision. If I say: “I’m not comfortable with traveling the same way you did”, I have to accept that I may not be able to work in this field, or may not make as much money, or may miss out on opportunities. None of those consequences are a result of some vindictive behavior; they are just a reality of the situation. It’s really hard to be a consultant and not be willing to travel, the nature of most consulting practices is that you go where the client is and not the other way around. I knew that when I entered the industry, since then I’ve taken it upon myself to find another way. The dialogue is important because you will get to express your comfort level, and your parents will get to express their desires and the reasoning behind some of their expectations. With that in mind, the advice they give you around the money you received may not seem so controlling, and the long hours they expect you to work may not seem so draconian.

At some point you will have your boundaries challenged, and you have to be ready to remind your family to respect those boundaries. They need to know the consequences for violating a boundary, just as you need to be aware of the implications and sometimes limitations of your boundaries. Go back to my travel example, I can say to my dad: “you are asking me to travel too much”. He can say: “yes I am, if that’s a problem for you I’ll find someone else to offer the work to”. I’ve held my boundary, he’s respecting it, but I have to be comfortable with the missed opportunity. The dialogue allows you to flex and pivot once a boundary is put in place, and there’s nothing wrong with changing a boundary as long as everyone understands the reasoning behind it and it isn’t because of some sort of manipulation.

My hope is that this post had some shred of helpful information, although I understand that the concept of boundaries is a tough one to overcome in a blog post. This would be one of the subjects I’d encourage any readers to try and connect with me on. So many boundary issues are specific to the individual that it’s tough to throw a blanket rule over the concept. The important takeaway from this is to think long and hard about your comfort levels, and be willing to openly discuss that. Without the open discussion we’re all just people drawing arbitrary lines in the sand ready to blow away the first person to cross it.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Think about your comfort levels, think about boundaries you need, boundaries that allow you to hold on to yourself.
  • Open a dialogue about your boundaries and be prepared for any outcomes associated with the boundaries you need.
  • Respect the boundaries of others, ask for respect of yours, and remain flexible if circumstances change.
Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics, Personal Identity |
| April 22, 2015
Comments Off on New Ideas

New Ideas

How to have your ideas heard and not ignored

This concept is near and dear to my heart.  In fact when I sat and started to think about topics I could write about this was one of the first to pop into my head.  I have a tendency to generate quite a good bit of new and often outlandish ideas.  I do this with such frequency that not only does my family mock me for my ideas, often even before presenting the idea, but my friends have started to as well.  I will be honest, a lot if not most of my ideas are ridiculous.  The ideas that I present that have merit, I don’t always present in the best manner and with the best supporting evidence.  More often than not I come with an idea that I’m very enthusiastic about, throw it out there and nothing happens.  This can begin to be frustrating from time to time but if I keep a few major points in mind I can help process myself through the frustration.

First, what is the venue for my presentation?  The classic new concept scene in any movie or TV show, is the two guys sketching the idea on the back of a cocktail napkin.  The next scene, may be them struggling to get an idea to concept in their garage or they may just be instantly successful.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that has started a business or launched a new concept in this manner.  This should also not be your presentation for your new idea.  On a regular basis I have a tough time getting face time with my dad, he is my primary sounding board for new ideas.  When I do get face time it’s typically at a family dinner when he’s popped in to town, limited moments between meetings with clients, or after a long day of bouncing from meeting to meeting and I’m the final appointment for him.  From the starting gate my idea doesn’t have a forum for success, so how could I be frustrated with a negative or dismissive response?  I have to start by framing an opportunity (a key component to conversation skills is framing the conversation).  I need to schedule time for face-to-face interaction with the knowledge that we’re discussing a new idea.  Some are saying, “this sounds ridiculous; why should I have to schedule time with my parents”?  Well, the fact is, your parents are probably busy for a reason.  Respect that fact, don’t try and fight that fact.  Learn to adapt to your situation; they don’t HAVE to listen to your idea but they will because they love you. 

Second, how am I presenting my idea?  Very rarely, in fact almost never, do I use formal tools for presenting new ideas. Meaning, I don’t use excel or power point.  However, the one time I did come armed with a spreadsheet I had one of my most productive conversations around a new idea ever.  The key was I wasn’t working in the abstract.  I had tangible data to have a dialogue about.  If you combine that with my framing of the opportunity, I was already ahead of where I have been in previous discussions.  I also didn’t start with: “let me tell you about this great idea I had.”  I started by asking some questions.  I led him to my idea before presenting my idea.  I asked him to describe his previous experience with the business model I was seeking to alter.  I already knew how he’d describe his experience because it was his discontent that served as the inspiration for my idea.  I just needed him think about all of the bad experiences he’d had in the past before I presented what I thought was the solution. 

Finally, what supporting evidence have I presented to validate my idea and ensure adoption?  Let’s get back to that spreadsheet I said I used earlier.  Anytime you are presenting a new idea, it is critical to have done exhaustive amounts of research and data mining.  Anyone that will be serious about helping you pursue the idea will have specific questions about the validity and feasibility of the idea.  You are in a much stronger position if you have already performed the due diligence and can answer their questions on the spot.  By doing so you are not only keeping them engaged in that moment, rather than needing to return to the conversation at a later date.  But you are also showing them that you have committed significant effort to the idea already and are more serious about this idea than the idea you presented over beers a few weeks ago.  You may have to leave and do further research, and you may be asked to develop your idea into a more formal presentation.  I promise you though, if you follow these three steps your chances of getting buy-in are almost 100%, as long as your idea isn’t to invent a space ship to go to Mars. 

I can empathize with anyone that has had idea after idea disregarded as outlandish gibberish as if you’re talking about sponsoring a hunt for Bigfoot.  Believe me I know how frustrating that is, especially if you actually have a good idea.  I remember once I tossed an idea my dad’s way and he totally dismissed it.  I simply paused and said: “dad, you didn’t ask me a single question about my idea, you just totally dismissed it.”  He was totally taken aback.  I wasn’t being rude, I was just calling him out on being dismissive, a trait he knows he exhibits with me at times.  The point here though is not that my dad was dismissive, it’s that if I’m owning my 100% of the situation, I need to present my ideas in better settings, in better ways, and with actual research because I’ve “cried wolf” too many times in the past.  I am putting all of the responsibility for the reception of new ideas on the next generation.  You have to learn to package concepts into a marketable format, and you have to start succeeding with selling your family before you can sell your customers. For lack of a better example, if you are presenting a new idea you are serious about, think of every person you present it to as Mark Cuban on Sharktank.  He is going to chew your idea up (and you) 100 times before committing to it.  If you aren’t prepared you will most likely leave without a deal. 

Good Luck

Practical Summary

  • Find the right venue for your presentation, frame the opportunity as a discussion for a new idea.
  • Lead with questions to guide your audience to your idea before you reveal your idea.
  •  Perform exhaustive research and come armed with data to support your concept.

 

Category: At Work, Communication, Family Dynamics |
| April 8, 2015
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Identity

Do you have a personal identity outside of your family business or your money…if not you need to.

 

The concept of Identity is the third part in the series of posts starting with The Power of Your Family name followed by Nepotism. I qualify this post with this disclaimer; I am in no way a psychological authority, all of my knowledge is experience based and loosely based on a good amount of reading and conversing I’ve done on the subject. There are more experienced and knowledgeable people to discuss this topic than me; I am simply going to give you some of my experience as always on the topic.

So why would I bring up what appears to be a highly psychological term in relation to your family business? Have you ever heard about a founder of a company retiring and within a few short months passing away? In my opinion a lot of that has to do with their reason for getting up in the morning is gone, a part of their identity was lost when they retired. Similarly we often see families struggling with the notion that they could, should, or would sell the family business when it’s clearly the best financial decision for their family. The reason being is their personal identity is wrapped up in that business and if they sell the business their parents, or their grandparents created then they are losing a part of themselves. The truth is that doesn’t have to be the case. I’m not saying you shouldn’t value the business highly because of the meaning it has to your family, I’m saying that if you looked deeply at the nature of the legacy your family left to you in that business your identity may not be tied to the mom and pop shop that started in their home. The concept of a personal identity is so critical because you need to be more than just the family business or just the job. Neither of those things is eternal.

Also exploring a personal identity is important so you can differentiate yourself from your surroundings and not personalize the challenges that face you in the business or that face the business. My personal identity today, I’d say is based out of being over parentalized as a child, meaning I was treated like one of the parents when I shouldn’t have been, and a fear of something bad happening to my family. This drove me to become incredibly responsible and always try and do the “right thing”. In addition to that I’ve had a lot of wonderful people invest in my own personal development, so I’ve found a passion for learning and helping other people find their passions and achieve them. Can you start to see how my personal identity is more than just my business but in many ways has led me to this industry? If I had to close up shop tomorrow would anything change about my passions and identity… absolutely not. I might just look for other opportunities to help guide people to their passions and show them love like a parent would. That piece of my identity will carry me until the day I die, and won’t be dependent on my occupation.

I’ve already briefly addressed this, but the danger of not having your own identity prior to entering your family business is you will create your identity around that business. The danger in that scenario is you won’t be able to think objectively about the business anymore because it’s become a part of you. The other fear is that you’ll seek to emulate whoever is guiding and mentoring you in order to become them. Learning from a mentor, and adopting certain behaviors you’ve identified as making them successful has its merits. However you cannot become that person even if you are in line to succeed them. The reason you shouldn’t want to and can’t become them is you’ll never be able to act with the same degree of moral authority that they have. The founder of a company can make unilateral decisions because he’s the founder of the company. But the next generation leader and anyone else to follow didn’t create the company, so no one will buy into their unilateral decisions the way they did for the founder. You have to find your own true self, your true style, and your true reason for being in that business.

The same reasoning behind having a personal identity prior to entering the family business can also be applied to inheriting wealth. There is a much larger discussion about identity in relation to money, but for the time being we’ll touch on this briefly. You are not your money, your wealth, or the possessions you have. You MUST be more than that. The reason is, the moment you lose any of it you lose part of yourself. In that moment all you will live for is getting it back. If I became infinitely wealthy from my occupation and suddenly lost it all would anything about my identity change…again absolutely not. I’d still be a father, I’d still have a passion for helping people find and achieve their passions, and I’d still be a constant learner. Nothing about who I think I am would change, just like if I suddenly became infinitely wealthy nothing about me would change. The reason there is a distinction here is that money is much easier to lose than a business. Also in both cases, but more often with money, there will be people around you that will try and get your money just because you have it. Without a sense of personal identity you will start to think the only way to relate to people is around giving them money. This is so false and scary to see happen to people. Once again, you are not your money, and it should have nothing to do with who you are.

Finally, there are some people reading this thinking: “I have no idea how to do any of the things he’s talking about here”. Or some may be thinking: “shoot, I’ve already joined the family business, now what”? Well the first thing I’d say is to not panic. The world will not end tomorrow if you haven’t done anything about this. Also, there’s a chance you already have a differentiated personal identity you may just not be aware of it. I’d say to someone looking to figure out what their personal identity is, is to start searching and learning. Start reading books to help you identify key points of your life that have been a part of your development. I’d also highly recommend sitting down with a therapist and exploring your family of origins. Conversing about your life with a coach that’s capable of helping you frame your thoughts can be very powerful and effective for this search process. I’ve also spent almost my entire adult life reflecting and analyzing almost all aspects of my life so there’s another place you can start. Ask yourself questions like: does anyone else in my family, or anyone I know think this way? Was there an alternative choice to the one I made? Why did I make THAT choice?

I’m hoping that this post and the previous two have given you something to think about and haven’t been daunting in concept or work to walk away with. I’m also hoping that haven’t been too trite or pithy and that there was real value here for someone. My ultimate goal here is to reflect on my personal journey and connect that conceptually to your own path into your family business or with your incoming wealth. I wish anyone the best of luck with this work, it’s never easy but have courage in the fact that you’re not alone.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • Having a personal identity is vital to your survival in the family business or when inheriting wealth.
  • The danger is that you will become your business or your money and if either should ever be gone you will have lost yourself as well.
  • Start with self-exploration and learning to help you develop your personal identity.
  • Don’t be scared about the work or the journey, you’re not alone.
Category: Legacy, Personal Identity |
| April 1, 2015
Comments Off on Nepotism

Nepotism

The opportunity provided by your family name and how it is perceived

 

I said in my post last week that it was a three part series. The second part of three is on the term Nepotism. I also have to apologize to those inheritors of wealth; this post is geared more towards the Next Gen. Family Business crowd. By the very definition if you’ve been given a job because of your last name you are the subject of nepotism. The idea of nepotism carries a negative connotation, as if whoever was given that opportunity was not deserving of it. As I said last week there is a great deal of opportunity afforded to you because of the power of your family name, a job is certainly an opportunity. So how do you challenge the negative thoughts of nepotism that surrounds your presence in your family business? The short answer… you don’t. At the end of the day the only person you control is you, your thoughts, your actions, and your response vs. reactions. Today you may be viewed as a child of privilege that has been “handed” an opportunity, how you RESPOND to that assumption is how you’ll be perceived from now on.

The first step in combatting these perceptions is to not personalize them. More often than not the negative feelings one has towards a subject of nepotism is about them and not you. Their own feelings of inadequacy, or the perception that they’ve been overlooked within the organization can lead to hostile thoughts around any subject that validates their own feelings and perceptions. A concept we often talk about is the nature of white blood cells. The purpose of a white blood cell is to expel anything from the body that can harm the body, or that doesn’t belong. This happens in organizations as well, you will face a series of detractors because in their mind you threaten the status quo. Once again, these thoughts are out of your control. The only control you do have is to not become reactive and to respond without personalization. The statements I’m making about those around you that are thinking negative of you are assuming you actually deserve the job you’ve been given. If you are acting in a way that validates their perceptions such as showing up to work late, not delivering on tasks and goals, and assuming a level of authority above your current position, than you need to reconsider who is in the wrong here.

Second to not personalizing is actually seeking out the white blood cells around you and offering yourself up to their expertise. The concept will sound counterintuitive, but it is possible to lead by being mentored. Allowing yourself to be mentored by someone is validating their position, hard work, and knowledge. In addition to that you will learn nuances and perspectives about the company that you otherwise might have missed. Another key piece to this step is to “process out loud” and to re-process bad process”. Processing out loud is the act of walking someone through your mental process. By doing this you remove opportunity for the other person to draw false conclusions. If a detractor seems to base their opinion of you around a particular action you’re taking, walk them through your mental process. They will gain understanding of your thinking, and you open yourself up to be taught a different and possibly better process. Re-processing bad process is the reflective action of walking back through your steps in order to identify an area of error. This is useful in communication and in working habits. Communicatively you can re-process how you spoke to someone, and in doing so, say what you meant to say with a more appropriate tone and language. Re-processing procedures allows you to identify areas of improvement for the future.

The final step is simply to work hard. Remove doubt about the merit for which you received this position by working your tail off. Seek additional work before it’s passed to you, and seek opportunities that will serve the greater good rather than just yourself. If someone is going to make a coffee run, volunteer. You are seeking to remove the perception that you feel entitled to be there, and the perception that because you are the boss’ child that you are above anyone you work with. You will of course make mistakes; this doesn’t mean you’re incompetent and that you don’t deserve the job. But if you’ve practiced the first two steps you shouldn’t have a problem overcoming the perception that you were just given something you didn’t deserve.

I know this all sounds hard, I didn’t share any specific stories in this post but every aspect of this concept I’ve experienced first hand. I can’t tell you how many frustrating moments I’ve had, and the panic and anxiety that has torn at me because I’m thinking about how I’m perceived. At the end of the day all you have control over is you, you may try every measure I suggested here today and still make no movement with the people around you. I’m encouraging you to keep trying though, start by befriending your biggest detractor and see what impact you can have.

Good Luck

 

Practical Summary

  • How do you combat Nepotism, you don’t. You can only control yourself not others, don’t personalize.
  • Seek mentorship and guidance from “white blood cells”. Process out loud and reprocess bad process
  • Work hard; seek opportunities to serve the greater good. Ask for additional work.
Category: At Work |