How to have effective conversations
Human beings learn to communicate literally the moment they are born. My son that was just recently born knows how to get his diaper changed and get food. He may not directly associate his 3 AM squawking to food, but when he’s hungry all he does is cry and someone gives him milk. My daughter who is a little over two can communicate a much broader range of desires, even emotions and feelings. At two she can already tell me she’s sad, she wants “somey” milk, or she can ask: “what’s that daddy?” to the large noise she heard outside. No wonder why we think we are communication experts, because we’ve been doing it our entire lives. And yet, despite our years of experience we take on challenging conversations or communication problems with the same skill my two year old might, and for some as skillfully as my newborn would.
My favorite analogy is this: a novice golfer getting out of his car, putting his bag on a cart, pulling up to the first tee box, gives his body a stretch here and a stretch there, and then swinging at the tiny infuriating ball at his feet and expecting the ball to travel with the same velocity and accuracy that Tiger Woods would expect (prior to his career melting down). The fact is Tiger Woods has spent years of his life dedicated to that single shot you just hit into the woods. Not only that but he would never get out of his car and walk right up to a tee box Thursday morning of The Masters. He will have regulated his meals for a week prior, his sleep, his outfit, and how much swinging he’s done. Everything about that shot is calculated down to the finest variable. When you think about how you communicate, and the conversations you have surrounding your family business or your inheritance I DO NOT want you to treat them as if you’re deciding to go to Dairy Queen or not. I want you to treat them with the same level of commitment and calculation that Tiger Woods puts into one shot. I also want you to understand that you are as much of a novice at communicating, as my daughter would be at golf. What I am about to walk through may seem obvious, but in practice, in the moment it’s no more obvious than how to hit a perfect draw 230 yards into the wind.
The first thing to practice in these conversations is how we communicate. Your tone, facial expression, gestures, and conversational context are all communicating just as much as your words. If I say “I Love You” to my wife, but scream it at her after we’ve just fought, the sentiment probably isn’t hitting home. Notice though that I didn’t just say tone, your body language and especially the context of conversation implies a lot as well. I have had multiple frustrating strategy and business development conversations with my father while driving him to the airport. From the context I just provided, what impressions would you take away? Personally, my first impression is that what I find to be critically important to my professional career is not that important to him. If something is important, you make time for it. I understand that utilizing my dad as a resource and sounding board for my business development doesn’t stack up against his actual job in importance. But it is the highest level of importance to me, so I would hope it would land higher on his list of priorities than a 45 min car ride to the airport. There’s a heap of emotional baggage from my own life wrapped up there, but you can see how even the slightest detail can alter the meaning and intentions behind a statement or action. Schedule time to have the important conversations the right way.
The next point is harder to grasp. I understand that once I say this there will be a million “what if” questions floating around. For the moment ignore them and take this point at face value. Be as transparent and honest as possible. I know, sometimes you’re talking with someone and they shouldn’t know all of the details. That is not what I’m talking about here. I’m referring to your thoughts and feelings. Coupled with kind language, tone, and atmosphere an honest and transparent statement about what you are feeling or thinking is an incredibly powerful tool for building trust in relationships. If you have all of your cards on the table, there is no room for assumptions to be made and no room for miscommunication. The other dynamic to this strategy is you are placing yourself in an exposed and humble state. In that moment you aren’t aggressive, there isn’t negative energy swirling around the room, and the other person is forced to choose what position they will take. They could go on the offensive and strike, or they could choose to respond in kind and meet you in a non-aggressive position. At that point you will have built a platform for productive conversation. Is this always easy: heck no! Is it always effective: most of the time.
My family has major intimacy issues; some would deny that statement but the facts are on the table. I have to constantly work at transparency and honesty with my wife, because growing up our household of four kids it was every man for himself. Our family dinners have been described as verbal combat or verbal karate. If you mix that with two parents who have their own historical family intimacy issues you’ve got a mixed cocktail of some pretty hardened people. So I have to work at this with my wife, when I’m working with my dad, and when I’m dealing with my children. One of the most powerful moments of my childhood was when my dad sat my older sister and I down after we’d been battling with one another. I can’t remember the exact details, but all I remember is this. My dad sat both of us down and looked us straight in the eyes and said: “I have no idea what I’m doing here. I have never been a parent of multiple teenagers before, just like you’ve never been teenagers before. I have a thought of what I should do to handle this, but honestly I’m doing the best I can to make it through.” What a powerful statement. He was placing all of the emotional energy in our court, he was giving us a choice with how we should respond, and he was telling us that he might make a bad decision because he’s never made this kind of decision before. He went on to ask us to offer one another and him a great deal of grace in our lives. I can honestly say that moment brought the three of us closer, and in many ways began the peership leveling process we now get to enjoy.
My final point for communication success is to ask questions. Ask a ton of questions before you pass judgment on a person or their actions. Professionally, we would require an individual to ask their family member three questions before they can make a judgment or statement. If I said to you: “your brother got to the mall in my car.” What would you first response be? It would probably start with a couple of questions as to why he was driving my car and not his own. Why did he drive by himself, and why did he need to go to the mall so badly that he had to borrow my car? So when your parents say, I’d like you to work on the production line as your first job in the family company, or we’re giving you X amount of dollars over Y amount of years, shouldn’t you lead with questions? These questions should be framed in a context that satisfies my first two points here today. Feel free to express your true feelings about what you might have just heard. Say something like: “mom/dad I’m feeling a little anxious and frustrated that I have to work on the production line when I just spent four years at college. Can you tell me a little more about your thinking behind this decision?” You have hopefully phrased all of this kindly, but that statement and question brings them into your emotional framework as well as offers an open ended question for them to bring you into their thinking process. Don’t just stop there; ask three or four levels of clarifying questions after that. Remember, with questions the deeper you go the more you know.
None of the principles I’ve discussed here today are easy. All of them require a great deal of practice and dedication from all parties. As I said at the beginning, these are professional level skills you’re learning here for serious and challenging conversations. If I were in your shoes, I’d take each piece and try them in a more casual setting. Ask your friends some deeper level questions while you’re grabbing a beer. Try being totally honest and transparent with someone you know is safe. In all areas of your life, become aware or your tone, body language, and the context in which you’re having a conversation. Have you been giving serious matters the proper forum for discussion, or have you been only giving them airport-driving time? I hope that this post will be helpful on your journey with your family, if nothing else hopefully it’s given you something to think about.
Good Luck
Productive Summary
- What is your tone, body language, and context saying in addition to your words?
- Be honest and as transparent as possible.
- Ask questions…a lot of questions.