How do we handle our siblings?
I have siblings, do you? I have three siblings, two older and one younger. It has been said of our sibling group that people have not met four human beings that came from the same parents that are more dissimilar. One way that we are all the same though is in our competitive nature, especially being competitive with one another. As it is with any family, when you have four kids close together in age they will tend to fight for attention. The scary part about kids fighting for attention is when it transforms from small children getting their parent’s attention in the kitchen to adult children getting their parent’s attention in the board room. The challenge I’d like to discuss here today is kids working for the family business and the impact that can have on sibling relationships. There are three points that come to mind when I think about siblings and family businesses, the first is different people get different things at different times, the second is merit is the only basis for employment and promotion, and finally be happy for one another.
The first thought about siblings is an age-old mantra from my father (that I hated growing up): “Different people get different things at different times.” I used to get so angry when I heard this, all I wanted was for my dad to admit it was unfair that my older siblings got to stay up later than me, or they got to go somewhere I didn’t. The fact is though this statement is not only critical for sibling relationships but for life in general. As human beings we’re constantly looking for greener pastures that always seem to be on our neighbors land, or we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses. This attitude can be incredibly dangerous when you encounter it in adult children in a family business environment. Parents don’t always make this better either, they try and split things equally which doesn’t always work and will almost always leave someone feeling jaded. So how do you combat this? You learn to internalize this mantra. Your time will come, maybe not at the same time and maybe not in the same area but your time for your thing will come.
Merit is the quality of being worthy or good so as to deserve praise or reward. Often times as human beings, and especially as siblings we can often doubt the rewards our counterparts receive. Did she really deserve that extra cookie mom just gave her, did her degree really prepare her to be hired at dad’s company, and did that client really mean she needed to be promoted to the VP of sales? Any of these thoughts sounding familiar yet? The point here is that merit is the only basis for any reward, and most importantly you are not the judge of who deserves anything. Learn to be happy for your siblings in their success, and sad with them in their failures. If you can internalize the mantra from earlier you will see how easy it is to be truly happy when your siblings are successful, or when they decide to go work for the family business.
I know at this point there are some people that are thinking that this is all so obvious, and how could anyone really be mad about their siblings working with their parents. Allow me for a moment to paint you a picture. Let’s say for example you have a family with four kids (no not mine) and you are kid #2. Your older brother and you both work in the company, your younger sisters both work elsewhere and have successful careers. You have worked tirelessly for the last four years to build your branch of the business and have succeeded at every turn while your brother has 18 appointments every couple days (he plays golf). One day your dad calls you and your brother into his office and says that he has begun his transition towards retirement; upon his retirement your younger sisters will both be financially compensated for 25% of the value of the company each while you and your brother will have equal parts ownership. Thankfully your dad has seen the success you’ve had and appoints you the future CEO of the family business.
This is a hypothetical scenario that actually happens all of the time, and a case could be made by any of the four kids that they were slighted in this arrangement. Rivalry between siblings surrounding money and business happens so fast it is scary, and the ferocity with which siblings interact when it’s family business is even scarier. If you are in a situation today where you can resent your siblings for something they’ve gotten, start now learning to internalize that earlier mantra. Learn to not judge their merit and truly and honestly learn to be happy for them.
Good Luck
Jonathan
Productive Summary
- Internalize this: “Different people get different things at different times.”
- Merit is the only basis for reward or employment; you are not the judge of merit.
- Be truly and honestly happy for your siblings when they are successful, no matter what the circumstances.