The internal tension between what you think you deserve and what you actually deserve
If you read the previous blog post you can imagine where I stand on the issue of entitlement. I am going to try and not sound too harsh with this post but this subject is very important and one that I’m impassioned about. All too often I get into conversations with next generation family business owners or future inheritors of wealth and they are constantly talking about what is owed to them and they are talking about the terms that they think they deserve. On the flip side I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count the amount of parents that have created terrible family environments because of the fear that they have around their children becoming entitled. So the message I have here today is for the next generation business owners and future inheritors of wealth on how to not be entitled and how to put your parent’s fears to bed.
The first thing I’d say is adopt the idea of merit being the basis for everything. Just like last weeks post this should be something you internalize. You deserve nothing, you get only what you earn. You may receive a bit more than you truly deserve because your last name is Smith or Johnson, but that is all just gravy. I suppose this point is for parents as well, your son or daughter should not be given the keys to the kingdom just because they are your son or daughter. Assess, or better yet have an objective party assess their skills and the merits for which they should be promoted. This concept becomes tricky when you aren’t dealing with a family business transfer, but simply a transfer of wealth. In that case I’d suggest to the parents to start a transparent conversation around why the family has wealth, what the money is intended for, and what your wish is for your kids surrounding that money. Hiding the fact that you have money and that will one day it will transfer to them, or withholding it for a long period of time will only breed distrust. The conversation though, will open up a forum for discussion that will inform your children about the wealth legacy you hope to leave. This is a powerful conversation that significantly diminishes the probability of entitlement.
The second reminder I have for the next generation is this: you don’t set the terms. For whatever reason my generation is rampant (I’m guilty as well) with young people that think they get to set the terms of negotiation. Honestly, who do we really think we are? Personally I think we see stars of our generation achieving success so early that we in turn think WE are special. That sounds a bit harsh, but the truth of it is when you think about what you’ve gotten away with in your lifetime thus far, wouldn’t you say you’ve been a bit bold? I know I have. I recall, and hopefully he won’t be upset with me sharing this, when my brother was attempting to start a new venture with my dad. My dad, being my dad, had a very pointed conversation with my brother about ownership before they even started. He asked my brother if any of his siblings would have any rights to ownership; my brother’s response was what anyone would have answered…No. He was doing all of the work; it was his idea, why in the world should his siblings reap the benefits? My dad’s response was simply, who is supplying the capital? My dad was, so he got to set the terms. If he wanted to make his portion of ownership a part of his estate, and the four of his children had equal claims to his estate then my brother should have been prepared to have three partners some way down the line.
I don’t share this story to embarrass or ridicule my brother; honestly I would have answered the question the exact same way. But my dad was right, it was his money and my brother had no entitlement to it, so my dad got to set the terms. I use this story to illustrate the point that even in a family that does not come from or have a lot of money, entitlement can still creep in. This story also is intended to illustrate that the person who is supplying the capital sets the terms, vary rarely is that the next generation.
The final point is this; if you want to work on placating your parent’s fears about you being entitled, just work. I mean really work hard. Work as if this is the job you were born to do. Don’t do it because they expect you to, and don’t do it because you know they want you to. Work hard and long because at the end of the day you’ll know you earned every dollar you made. You will remove any doubt about your intentions for the family business, or your intentions surrounding the money you may inherit. Work as if you don’t need what they are willing to give you because you would make it on your own. Don’t talk about how you’re not entitled; show them.
I’m hoping that at the end of this post I wasn’t too harsh, I can empathize with the feelings of entitlement because it’s something I battle against all the time. I challenge myself to go the extra mile always, and I never want to be handed anything, I want to earn it. My hope is that with this message you can see more clearly the fears your parents have, and how you can positively change their perspective with your own actions.
Best of Luck
Practical Summary
- Merit is the basis for everything.
- You don’t set the terms.
- Work to placate your parent’s fears, by working.